Thread: Initiating sex and aggressiveness by females?

I wanted to get a female perspective.

A bit of background to start.

I am a married male. We are both 37 been together for 7-8 years. Have two young kids so makes it more difficult to find the time and energy at times. We are lucky to have sexual fun once a week. Probably ends up being twice a month. I would prefer more but hey.

A couple of things. My wife has never initiated sex since we have known each other. I am always the one who has to get things started. I love to pleasure her especially orally. I try to do quickies on her and be spontaneous (in kitchen or on couch while we are watching TV, in basement on pooltable etc.). I can usually have her orgasming within 5 minutes. Even though she likes to be pleasured, often when I try to initiate a quickie she says 'no, not now' or 'later'. I have to convince her to be pleasured a lot of the time. Gets very frustrating. Ruins the mood at times. Of course when I manage to convince her and after we are done and she has orgasmed she says 'remind me next time not to stop you from doing a quickie'.

Now the times when we play in bed and have a longer session I pleasure her first. After she has orgasmed she lays there and we may cuddle for a few minutes which is fine. Of course I am horny and most of the time for me to get pleasured I have to initiate things and basically say it is my turn. Again very frustrating. She does a good job (orally, manually) in pleasuring me for the most part but it would be nice if day she just did it without me asking. The only time she ever has brought up (or do a bit of initiating) sex or wanted to have it regularly is when we wanted to get pregnant.

A couple of questions.

As a female after you orgasm from foreplay/oral/fingering do you just lay there or do you now become the aggressor and want to pleasure your man?

Also wondering as females how common/uncommon it is for you to initiate sexual play from the very beginning?

Be interesting to get different perspectives from different women. I do realize men generally think (hornier more often) more about sex than women. Or maybe I am wrong but that is my belief or experience at least.

Thanks.

I like to initiate sex. I'd say we're about 50/50 as to whether it is him or me that kicks things off.

My boyfriend and I are a very sexually open couple - there are no rules and no bad time to take the opportunity to have sex. 'Foreplay' when I initiate can be anything from me heading to the bedroom saying 'let's f**k' over my shoulder to making out on the sofa for 20 minutes to kneeling down under his desk and helping myself to the contents of his trousers After 'being pleasured', as you put it, lying back and cuddling is not my thing, unless of course we've both 'arrived' together, in which case cuddling is great - though really I'm more of a roll over and go to sleep kind of woman, but not without giving him a kiss and an 'I love you', of course.

My man knows he can just ask me if he's not getting what he wants - if he's given me oral and he wants to have sex he knows he can just climb on, I'm not going to say no - or alternatively he can lay down and ask me to climb on. If he wants oral, he'll ask for it - or I'll just start and he won't say no.

His pleasure is more important to me than my own - and my pleasure is more important to him than his own. Because that is the case both of us always get satisfied. Communication is key - telling each other what is good, what is working, what is not, what you like, what you think you might like but aren't sure.

Maybe your wife just doesn't realise the current situation is not working so well for you. I agree completely that being pushed away and told 'not now' is very disheartening. It feels like rejection. I don't know how you could communicate this to her but maybe instead of telling you 'not now, later' she could respond to your advances more positively - say something like 'later, when the kids are in bed [or whatever], I'm going to *insert dirty talk here*'. That way you'd know she's not up for it now but she not rejecting your advances either. You have to let her know that the rejection is hurtful, even though I'm sure she doesn't mean it to be.

I think the best advise I can offer here is to talk to your wife. Tell her that it is frustrating you.

My ex husband and I when through a period of this after our child was born and he just said outright to me that he was getting frustrated with it (well, he was slightly less polite about it - one of the reasons he's 'ex' ). I didn't even realise I was behaving that way and made a conscious effort to change.

Just try to put it to her honestly and without telling her what to do. Explain your frustration and then let her talk (or act, hopefully).

Well I'll have to search my memory banks but as I recall, he initiated sex more than I did. As I recall, I think I typically did oral on him first and then him on me. A lot of times I suggested we just skip the oral on me as I often didn't want it, so then we would go straight to the old in and out. I rarely orgasmed from vaginal sex but I never recall feeling frustrated if afterward I hadn't orgasmed at all. If I orgasmed from oral, I always preferred to then proceed straight to f*cking rather than give him oral. Maybe that is why I typically did oral on him first. Confused yet?

As far as what I did after an orgasm, no I didn't want cuddling or laying there at all. We just went straight to sex at that point.

I wanted to add that with two little kids around, I too would be turned off by quickies in any room other than a locked bedroom. Now if they are both sound asleep and don't have habits of getting up after they have gone to bed, maybe I would be okay with it then elsewhere in the house other than bedroom.

It matters to any guy to have his partner initiate at least some of the time. For some reason many women don't and they miss a lot besides the actual sex. My BF was never with someone who "started" other than on VERY VERY rare occassions. I do it all the time and he goes nuts both from the verbal start to the actual "taking" of him when I want him. It's highly erotic for a male and emotional as well. Everyone wants to feel wanted. You should try and talk about this, soon. Otherwise one person feels like the other just "lets them" and not much good in that feeling.

Originally Posted by Steph33

Everyone wants to feel wanted.You should try and talk about this, soon. Otherwise one person feels like the other just "lets them" and not much good in that feeling.

Thats the quickest road to an affair in my opinion. (The rejected feeling, not the communication)

I recently realized that my husband and I have different definitions of “initiate’s sex”. For years now I thought when I started gradually touching him(first), being more cuddly and open I was initiating sex or sometimes I would just tell him. We were watching US of Tara the other night and the wife completely jumps on top of her husband. My husband nudged me and nodding his head says “uuh??” It was at this moment that I understood that this is what he wants. I haven’t done this yet I usually make lewd jokes that let him know I have been thinking about sex all day or I really enjoyed it last night. When he hasn’t responded I have been known to get upset and say something like “fine then if you don’t want to have sex I’ll read a book” He sometimes hasn’t caught my signals. (even though I don’t know how you misst them) After this happens we discuss my signals and now he is less likely to miss them. As a mother sometimes it’s hard to switch from mother mode to hot steamy and sexy just because you don’t feel sexy when you’ve been running around wiping noses and butts all day.
I’m greedy when it comes to orgasms so after oral I am looking for more. Therefore this is the time I focus all of my attention on him. I often want to show him that I can make him scream. I do prefer to give hi m oral first though. This way I can receive oral right before intercourse which I really like. I’ve never been one to have sex to be close with a man or share in an experience. I always wanted to cum. So in the past with boyfriends, when I knew there were no more big O’s in store, I was pretty much done after I came. I would try to work my mojo so they could finish and I could sleep.
My libido has been on overdrive lately so I have initiated sex more often than usual, but I still haven’t just jumped on him. I wonder if it goes against something I learned was ladylike. Or if I need to feel like he really wants me.

Maybe a lot of women don't know how, what, or don't want to be "just like that" from a movie example. It's not always the same and not always subtle that gets different men "cranked up." Here are some that work for me (some "old reliables" , laugh). It's nice and fun for a woman to have some control. No reason to let guys set the time and place all the time, you're an EQUAL. You are a COUPLE and one person shouldn't have to do all the "driving."

He'd say we're totally equal, but my BF is generally submissive if given the option. If I'm partial or totally naked and simply appear right in front of him I can just say "eat me" or "F**K Me" and he's instantly aroused.

I've told him he can't have me until I want him to and can't touch himself, then posed nude in a variety of wild positions while telling him what I wanted and what I wanted to do to him. If your partner doesn't pass out, that's a great one to get whatever you want for as long as you want.

If I feel more subtle when he gets home I just hold him, say "I missed you today," give him a great kiss, and then put my hand down the front of his pants.

Unlike every other guy I ever new, my BF does not like me totally shaved. I keep a trim triangle for him. When I need a trim with a razor and little scissors, since it's his request I'm not totally shaved, I have him do it. It's rare to get through a full "haircut" before he's on me.

We love driving in the wooded are of the county we live in, you can go miles without seeing a car or house and just the calmness and talking. An hour into one drive when I was wearing a short jean skirt I told him (and showed him) I had no panties on. First time we made love outside and he almost ran off the road trying to find a place to park.

His favorite outfit (he bought) is a very short skin tight dress, thigh high buckle boots, and over the elbow gloves. I put can put that on and just be cooking or cleaning when he gets home and I'm starting sex without saying or doing anything else. He's instant total putty in my hands with that and I could probably get him to disown his mother if I wanted to

I saw a TV show where the woman surprised her guy and got in the shower with him. Standing behind him, she reached around gently lathered and washed his penis. I did that and he loved it but he got to excited, lost his balance, slipped and fell in the shower. We added no slip pads to the shower but I keep him a bit more under control when we shower as a couple to prevent injury. But me telling him to give me a sponge bath also gets him going just as much.

Be creative, maybe go WAY out of your normal way of being. The unexpected works (what and where) just about every time for me.

^ LOL wow Steph, you actually made me feel pretty horny after reading your post (been in a down mood for the past week for whatever reason and haven't felt any desire at all) - so thanks for helping me out! Those are awesome ideas, wow. My bf is always ready to go - so I bet he'd really enjoy it a lot if I tried any of those. Plus it's different from the same old just being in bed and climbing on, lol.

For d3919, I would just add that it's more mental than anything. If she can think about sex throughout the day, or think about pleasuring you or whatever makes her more in the mood, that helps a lot. That way at the end of the day she's ready and waiting. I also think you openly and non-blamingly explaining to her how important and sexy it is for her to initiate, she may be more open to doing it. I never initiated because I had the idea that 'good girls don't do that' deeply ingrained in my subconscious and had no idea that my bf not only was ok with me initiating, but desired it! I still feel a little awkward and unsure doing it but try to focus on the knowledge that he really likes it (which is very clear, lol).

Ok I just realized why your post was so appealing to me, Steph. Completely dominating is one of my fantasies (along with the complete opposite of being completely submissive and innocent). I usually fall into the more submissive role in reality, but have never acted on being dominant. Your post was full of realistic, great ideas to actually make that a reality. Just imagining it is quite thrilling.