hubby

Hi everyone. Feels a little strange posing on the Woman's Health site but figured this is where I could get a lot from the girl's perspective. I am here to get some advice on how I can encourage/enable my wife to enjoy sex more.

A little background:
We are 33 years old, married for 10 years and have three young children (6,3,1). Our relationship has had its ups and downs and there have been several long dry spells in the sex department (sexless marriage). This was due to several things, relationship, kids/exhaustion, etc.

We are now back in the swing of things and communication both in and out of the bedroom is very healthy. I am HL (high libido) and she is LL. She always initiates and is very giving (oral, etc). When we have sex it is usually fairly rushed (not much foreplay) and it is with the kids in the other room playing. I don't think she gets much out of it other than the obvious signs of me having a good time.

The main problem we have is she does not seem very open into enjoying herself and letter herself go. I really want to please her. In the past, when I asked her to let me "take care of her", she says that there are just some women out there that can't orgasm and that it just frustrates her if we try.

While this could be true (she is a very physically sensitive person), it may also be that when we used to try, neither of us knew how "things worked" for her. When we were dating we were both pretty open with each other sexually although we did not have many partners before. She was my first and she only had a few single encounters. I now realize I had no idea what I was doing and was probably frustrating the out of her.

Fast forward to today, thank God for the internet as I consider myself a little more educated on a woman’s sexual plumbing. Problem is that I can't test out this knowledge. I told her this morning that I REALLY want to please her and that I would like to return the favor. I just told her to think about it and that we would probably need some more time (more than the 15mins we take now) and we need to be without the kids. At first she gave me the standard... "it won't work for me... I can't orgasm"... but she did say that she would think about it and maybe something we can try.

Anyway, time for you to chime in and let me know what you think!

Thanks,

Hubby

kenturah

i was watching something on discovery health channel that might help you there are a couple of who who suffer from my problem as well they are running tests on it i forgot the name of it.but look it up

Hopeless Dork

Is she able to achieve orgasm through masturbation? Has she ever had an orgasm at all or just hasnt had one through sex?

I personally feel that masturbation is KEY to figuring out what pleases you sexually, the ways you need to be stimulated to orgasm etc. If she is unable to make herself have an orgasm, that should really be something for you guys to focus on first.

Vibrators & Lubricant may be a good assist to getting her there as well. A lot of the women I have heard say that don't enjoy sex much, don't or haven't masturbated much either so haven't really discovered the sensations that can be created or how pleasurable it can be.

Its great that you two are able to start a dialogue about it, as its not a problem for her now, she doesn't mind the fact she is not having orgasms, at some point it might start to bother her. I'd start delving into how she feels about touching herself, etc.

hubby

Hopeless,
I am not sure if she has ever had an orgasm. Back when we were dating we talked about if she masturbates and I remember her telling me that she tried a few times. My guess is that she has not tried in a REALLY long time and that she probably has not ever had an orgasm. I will have to try to delicately bring it up somehow. I really do not want to put pressure on her but I know she is missing out on a lot.

As far as a vibrator goes, I don't think she can get into that. She does note want me to look at porn, she does not like me suggesting toys, not even flavored lube. We do use a lot of lube though. I think she feels too much pressure or something if I suggest alternatives. She does not like to try other positions other than missionary, even though I have asked. She even tries to position my body just so and not vary much from it. I also seem to take too long according to her, though as I mention we don't have much foreplay.

It is really difficult for me to offer alternatives and suggestions as the conversation typically starts off pretty defensive.

Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.

Hopeless Dork

I can see where that might hurt her feelings when you bring up other things to do, she is not seeing it as a suggestion to possibly improve her pleasure and instead I think seeing it as you saying you are not satisfied by the current sex she is giving you.

Porn is a touchy area for a lot of women, just look at the hundreds of threads related to it, the heated debates and the many women that feel exactly like your wife about it. I wouldn't touch that one with a 10 foot pole until she is more comfortable with sexuality in general.

If sex toys in general startle her a bit, I definitely would not get a big rabbit dildo or something, but there are some not so scary alternatives to give her some new sensations. Trojan came out with that vibrating touch that you can pick up cheaply in the condom aisle that is just a little fingertip vibrator and is not very intimidating at all.

Does she have any body image issues? Sometimes when a woman feels insecure about her body (even if its beautiful) its hard to let go during sex as you don't feel sexy. I'd start slowly by just making her feel sexy, complimenting her telling her how beautiful she is, etc.. winking at her in the kitchen and telling her she looks as hot as the first time you saw her. Little things to make her feel like shes the object of the desire you have and not just an outlet..know what I mean?

hubby

Actually, she has been on a diet kick the last month or so and really kicked off what was left from the baby and then some. She is now down to her high school weight and she is really proud. I make sure she knows how sexy I think she is and how proud I am of her. I still find her sexy as hel*, even more now which just drives me nuts. I can really feel the animal start to come out of me when we have sex and I have to try REALLY hard to keep it in. I also try to be as affectionate as I can all day with little kisses, touches, quick shoulder/lower back rubs. I know she likes that and she is definitely "warming up" to being more sexual.

Back to the toys, well I actually purchased something that looked neat the other day. It is similar to what you are talking about. It is a ring that goes on the base near the end of the condom and has a small little vibrating thing on it. When I mentioned that I wanted to try it she gave me a big NO WAY. I guess I just need to be patient... but she really does not know what she is missing.

hubby

So do you have any advice on how to encourage her to let me return the favor (oral, manual, anything to get her going)? Do I just go for it or get her permission first. Maybe in the heat of things she may not stop me.

I guess my only alternative is to express my desire every once and while for me to please her more and just be patient.

Richard S

You do a nice job of describing the dynamic between you and your wife.

Since your a guy, I'll just cut to the chase.

1. Wait for a "romantic" occasion (birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day).

2. Get her alone, away from the kids.

3. Use alcohol. Wine, champagne, whatever she likes. But not too much, just enough to help her loosen up and relax.

4. Start with massage. Like a nice, long, sensual massage with candles, incense, etc. Make an effort to create a space that's special for the two of you. You need to spend the time to figure out her body. Women hold tension in all sorts of places, the neck, the lower back, even that spot behind the knee can be a trigger point. And feet are very powerful. No one can tell you how to do this, you just have to get her permission to let you explore her body. And she needs to get used to the idea of you just servicing her. She has to get used to being the one to receive.

5. This might not all happen in one night, but the two most effective ways to bring a woman to orgasm are (1) giving oral, and (2) the use of tools like a vibrator. I have found that softening a woman up with massage, then doing oral on her works about 100% of the time. I was lucky, in my 20's I had a relationship with a woman in her 40's who let me spend a year getting good at it. After that I never had any problems.

You basic goal is to win her over to the idea that she has to make time for these "sessions" as a way to maintain the marriage. She may not be in the right mood, maybe the kids are being impossible, or she's stressed because money is tight, whatever the excuse, she needs to get past it. This is the part when you just kinda need to be the man. And you may not see dramatic results the first time you try it. It's more a process that both of you have to go through, both individually and together.

There are a few other things to be aware of. If she delivered all three kids vaginally, this might have loosened up the musculature in that area. It's not uncommon for women to undergo a procedure to tighten those muscles and report drastic improvements in their sex lives.

That's all I can think of for now, PM me if you need anything else. Good luck with this.

WildChild

Being big on books, I'll recommend a couple. John Grey's Mars and Venus in the Bedroom would be a good one and then get her a copy of The Orgasm Loop. She needs to learn how and how to control it for herself.

hubby

Thanks for the help. I will keep you posted.