Thread: Husband complaing of lack of sex

Hi PB, Just wanting to add my two cents to what others have said (or maybe two dollars?? yikes!!--long post):

First, I'm not sure why he wants to have sex so much more often than he did before you were married. If this is really a drastic change on his part, it may indicate a health problem. Or the opposite, maybe he's feeling better. Another possibility... could it be that he actually did want to have sex with you this often before you were married--But that only recently he's gotten comfortable enough to ask you so often? If that's the case (maybe I'm way off base), this can be a good step for your marriage--a chance for the two of you to communicate more openly.

You can test your assumptions about what exactly he's asking for. He can find out what exactly you're turning down. Both of you may learn you were wrong about what the other did or didn't want.

The next time he asks for sex, try asking him, "What kind of sex do you have in mind?" Does he want comfort sex? Fun sex? Maintenance/quickie sex? Make-up sex? Something else? The point is, there are a multitude of motivations for having sex. Is he conscious of his at this moment? Can he tell you what it is?

Let's say he doesn't. What happens? You know he's interested in sex, but because he didn't tell you what kind, it makes it hard for you to contribute to a positive encounter. He wanted one sort of sex, you met him with another. Afterwards, he knows the sex was off-target, but can't explain why.

Bottom line, try asking him to describe the current need/want he hopes sex will fulfill. His requests might start sounding less like a broken record ("he just wants sex all the time"). (Men have their subtleties of mood too!)

Getting the full story about why he wants to have sex today--when you just made love yesterday--may make it easier to see him as your husband (who has feelings that may change from day to day) rather than a crazed sex maniac. The first guy elicits affection and empathy; the second guy evokes disgust. By understanding him better, you can avoid that frustrated reaction (because he might take it the wrong way.)
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Once you know the "why," you can decide where you stand. If you're hesitant because you're not sure you could put much "fun" into the fun sex, tell him that. Maybe you can suggest a slightly modified version of his idea? Or ask him to suggest something different. Just bounce some ideas back and forth, until you've got something that you can both be happy about.

Give him options to choose from. Discussing the merits of a rain check ("we could have fun sex tomorrow, or slightly tired sex tonight--I'm up for either, which one sounds better to you right now?") is one idea, (if he likes the former option better, then you're off the hook!). Another thing you could suggest is, "what if we were to do something I want today (an intimate chat or a foot rub or whatever suits your fancy), and then we do something you want tomorrow? how does that sound?"

The main point here is, whatever your gut reaction to his idea, don't shut him down. Now that you understand him, help him understand you. Make sure he knows you have reservations but that you're committed to finding a mutual solution. Then find that middle ground between you.

It's like you're two kids in the school playground, trying to decide whether to play tetherball or tag. Ultimately it's not so important what you end up doing, as is it is that everyone feels involved in deciding. That's the glue that holds the group together. When someone starts feeling shut out, they either walk off or talk even louder in order to be heard. Sure, their behavior is immature and obnoxious, but it can be changed. Get them more involved in the decision making, and they're happy again, right? I'm only guessing from what you said earlier, but the same might help with your husband. Best wishes!

It sounds to me like you are both very frustrated. He is so frustrated he's telling you he might cheat which seems like a cry for help to me. Why tell you if he is going to cheat? You, on the other hand, don't want to get constantly bombarded by mr. happy. So where is the middle ground?

I suggest you guys talk w/ a marriage counselor. He/she can give you tools and ideas for hopefully finding a truce. I did this years ago w/ my first wife. We had issues other than sex and the counselor give us ways to effectively communicate. For us, it didn't work out, but that turned out to be a good thing for both of us in the long run.

This is a tough one that is going to require a lot of work, but marriages require a lot of work and you generally get out more than you put in. Good luck.

PB,

Does he satisfy you sexually ie. do you have an orgasm at some point? You have not really said anything about that.

How does a love-making session go? Foreplay (including him orally pleasuring you) and then intercourse? Once he has orgasmed is it over? How long does a session last?

Do you have children? We do and we certainly don't have sex 3 times a week.

I ask these questions to get a gage of how selfish he sounds to be.