is the problem me or him?

**justmeinlove** · 04-12-2009 12:20 AM

I'm really close friends with this guy, and when we're alone we always end up fooling around. it's fun but he wont kiss me and wont have actual intercourse with me. when i ask him about it he says that it's not good for our friendship, but this has caused a lot of fights between us.
what usually ends up happening is i jerk him off, he'll play with my , then he'll just hug me and tell me he loves me but cant do this. he orgasms every time and i never do. he says that if he goes in my pants it crosses a whole new line. i know he loves me and values our friendship, but this hurts it more than it would if he slept with me.

about four months ago he got a girlfriend and he would avoid me altogether, he barely even spoke to me, and when i was around him it felt like he made it a point to be all over the girl, and it really hurt.

after a little while they broke up and him and i both ended up spending the night at his sister's house. i was about to go to sleep in the guest room when he came in and lied down in the bed next to me. i told him i wasn't gonna do anything with him and he just hugged me and said that was okay. a few minutes later, he started touching me and i touched him back because it's so natural with him. the same thing happened as usual then i just rolled over and went to sleep

it happened again a few days ago but i saw him again last night and he was with his ex. he avoided me and just acted like a complete . i feel like i'm a back up plan to him, but he wont even have sex with me.
what should i do?

**skipper** · 04-12-2009 11:02 AM

Seinfeld did an episode on this: Having sex to save the friendship. It was funny to watch, but it's not funny when it is happening to you.

I think it is time for you to move on. He's got some issues and it's hurting you and he apparently isn't willing to solve them for you. I know it's very hard to confront him with your feelings, but I recommend it if you can. Ask him straight up what his deal is and why he is acting the way he is.

There are a lot of great guys out there who won't mess with your head.

**sourpuss** · 04-12-2009 11:16 AM

Move on. He's clearly using you and it's all on his terms. Cut off any and all physical contact and you'll quickly find out how good of a friend he really is.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-12-2009 12:16 PM

Going inside your pants is more of a line cross then him orgasming to your touches? It sounds like he's comfortable with the idea of using you for his pleasure, whenever he needs it, he is ,it seems, in a way objectifying what you do to him. Like he is able to think of it as masturbation with assistance... if he messes with you, and because he isn't pleasing you... he's able to feel like it isn't a complete sexual relationship...but thats just nuts.

Just how good of a friend is he? If you wanted to be touched to orgasm, and not return the favor to him, or go inside HIS pants.. would he do it for you? Or would he find that absurd?

Is he there for you whenever you need to talk or need someone to be there for you? I wouldn't be suprised with how selfish he sounds if that was all on his terms too.

The way he rubs it in your face and is excessively affectionate with gf's in front of you, knowing that would sting (anyone with half a conscience would realize to tone it down a little in front of someone that has feelings for you- unless you are trying to hurt them or push them away) is something that makes me feel like you should let this guy go.

He will call you and want to see you - what selfish jerk wouldn't if they can get pleasure and be mean and do it all on their own terms. But try to be strong - the longer you stay away and avoid him the easier it will be for you stop letting him use you. I'm not saying don't be his friend.. but distance yourself as you mentioned the night you told him you didn't want to mess around, you did so anyway. That is just because you haven't given yourself the space you need to see this from an objective perspective.

Think of yourself as a friend. If your best friend was to come to you and tell you what you just told us.. what would you tell her to do? How would you feel about how she was being treated? Be as good to yourself as would think one of your best friends deserves. You are just as important.

**WildChild** · 04-12-2009 12:40 PM

Sounds like you are a back up. He is giving you just barely enough to keep you on a string but if you bring him to orgasm, he should return the favor. If you want to keep the friendship, then make it just that - a friendship. I have male friends, the most physical contact they get is a friendly hug. If he doesn't like it then you have your answer. Guys don't approach sex or relationships quite like women (at least not most) they are generally able to completely separate emotion from just getting off.

**kdsl** · 10-23-2010 05:54 PM

This sounds like you're friends with benefits because if you're just friends you guys wouldn't be doing all of this sexual stuff.

"what usually ends up happening is i jerk him off, he'll play with my , then he'll just hug me and tell me he loves me but cant do this." Yeah he can, and he did. If he couldn't then he wouldn't have let you jerk him off in the first place.

"about four months ago he got a girlfriend and he would avoid me altogether, he barely even spoke to me, and when i was around him it felt like he made it a point to be all over the girl, and it really hurt."
Maybe it was to try to convince her that he's not with you.

"after a little while they broke up and him and i both ended up spending the night at his sister's house. i was about to go to sleep in the guest room when he came in and lied down in the bed next to me. i told him i wasn't gonna do anything with him and he just hugged me and said that was okay. a few minutes later, he started touching me and i touched him back because it's so natural with him."

He started touching you because he knows you'll touch him back. Throughout this entire post he has been doing barely anything to get everything he wants from you. I think you should stop being sexual with him. This whole situation is only hurting you and he coming out a winner in every case. You jerk him off then he goes to his real girlfriend to have sex. I think you should make up your mind about what you do with guys who are just friends vs what you do with your boyfriend vs what you do with your husband. Stick to your standards.

**foxdana** · 10-23-2010 10:21 PM

If you are happy to have this kind of relationship with him, but just aren't happy that he won't play with you, just refuse to touch him until he makes you cum? He will either comply or walk away. You will end up with an answer either way.

**Jimbeau** · 10-23-2010 11:06 PM

Aren't we being a bit presumptious here? The OP doesn't even say how old she is. How do you know she's even 18?

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-24-2010 02:43 AM

Originally Posted by Jimbeau

Aren't we being a bit presumptious here? The OP doesn't even say how old she is. How do you know she's even 18?

Presumptious about what?? I don't see anything in her post that points to an age one way or the other.. she posted a question about her relationship...and people are answering how they'd feel in her shoes and what they would do in the situation... I'm just not sure what you are presuming about her when you call others presumptious?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-24-2010 03:19 AM

Thank you for your concern, Jimbeau, it's nice to know our member's care about each other...

For your reference, if you click on the name of the OP whom has commenced the thread, you can choose to view all posts, or all threads from that particular member.

It's a good practice to get into I believe as it gives you some insight, if your not sure of something....

In any event, I can see your concern as you think that he's not penetrating her, as she may be under age and as a parent, yes, I would pose the question as well, to the OP, just to be sure and to guide her further.

I suspect she may be older though, as in one of her posts, she lost her virginity at 14, she joined us in 2008.. so just to clarify for the members justmeinlove, can you advise that you are of legal age, as if not, off course our member's are worried and may give you alternative advice...And, HD, I suspect that's what he did, viewed her posts/threads

And, worried...
If, you are of legal age, well you commenced young, that seems to be the norm these days, all be it illegal, but in any event, I note that you had a boyfriend back in May, and you thought you may be pregnant... You need to be very careful, do you have someone to talk to about the facts of life, so to speak that you can confide in?

This guy I think just wants his bit, he is in love with the ex, he can't get over her and so won't penetrate you so that he can claim he "never cheated on her" in my opinion, and so yes your being used...

A friend does NOT ignore you when with someone, I suspect, it's fear you may say something as to why he ignores you...

Don't allow your body to be abused, for the purpose of one self, it has to be for both or forget it...

CW

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