Help..! Guy posting - My wifes atitude to sex

**BornYesterday** · 05-09-2009 04:07 PM

Ladies, please help me unerstand what's going on in my wife's head...

I want to please my wife but she won't let me do anything other than the usual missionary position, bish bash bosh, job done 3 minutes. I'd love to give her oral etc or try different positions, take it slow, but she won't have it. She won't even let me touch her genitals with my hands, and certainly is most grudging when she has to touch my penis to apply lube or whatever (I have asked he to do this to help me become erect when the general atmosphere is less than sexy). After all she says, normal couples don't have to resort to doing these things. She definitely wants sex as she's very hurt when I turn it down, but it troubles me that she expects so little from sex. The thought of pleasing her is a big part of getting myself aroused and hence it's more difficult to get in the mood myself.

What on earth can I do..?

**rcoreyus** · 05-09-2009 05:43 PM

Wish I could help but no suggestions. Sadly I think it isn't that uncommon. Some people just don't seem to be interested. You will probably get a lot of advice here, but most of it will be from people who love sex, and can't understand someone who doesn't really care much.

FWIW, there are many couples who do lots of interesting things in bed. I don't know (or care) what "normal" is, but many of those couples have wonderful relationships.

**blondie80** · 05-09-2009 06:21 PM

all women are different and different circumstances and things will change what a woman views as normal, can i ask a few questions? How long have you two been together and how long has this been normal for you two?
I understand where you are coming from most women do love having sex but it can take alot of women alot to open up alot of trust and alot of love, then if they have bad experiences it can be hard for a woman to open up again it can take alot of patience and and be very frustrating for men, generally can be one of four or five different things she may well be deep down craving what you are and scared to open up but if you push the subject you may very well push her away, can i ask how her self esteem and sense of self is? If she wants sex and enjoys it then there is at least hope i guess.

**WildChild** · 05-11-2009 10:03 PM

Don't know where Born went. But maybe try more mood setting? A nice relaxed massage? Avoid any errogenous zones, go around, tease but don't go there. Generally whis would include nipples, labia, pernium, clit. This builds some anticipation and you want to build that. Maybe even do a couple of massages without going there at all?

Don't understand the normal couples don't do this. "Normal" couples do all sorts of things she may not have imagined, let alone tried. Where did she get this? Can you make a joke of it? Some education probably wouldn't hurt, the question is how to get her to open up to it?

**BornYesterday** · 06-04-2009 04:21 PM

Hi I'm still here just very busy lately - thankyou all for your considerate responses. I think I should give some background as maybe I didn't give the whole story before:

- We've been together for 7 years - married for the last 3. I am her first and only sexual partner and she is mine.

- Up until just after our wedding we couldn't have sex; it was just as well our relationship doesn't(didn't) revolve around it. She had some kind of anxiety which made it impossible for me to penetrate. We went together to a GP who helped her overcome this. For a couple of months we had happy (if unadventurous) sex. At this time i was a regular horny 30 year old who would get 20 erections a day for no apparent reason, while thinking about the weather, driving the lawn tractor, doing the dishes...

- Then ironically just as things were looking up I became critically ill and spent 2 months in hospital and 18 months recovering. I lost around 50lbs in weight (I started at around 190), 2 hernias, every kind of infection going etc etc. It wasn't pretty.

So now physically I'm back to 100%. In fact I'm twice the man I was before (I now do an active job instead of at a desk, I'm fitter, stronger and wiser in every way) EXCEPT... the one nagging issue of my libido, which took a spectacular nosedive and never returned to it's former glory. I can no longer become a love machine at the click of one's fingers. I mean it's still there, but it just needs a little encouragement.

The massage idea is a good one. I guess I've just got to open my own mind and try different approaches that I hadn't thought of. Because without wishing to be a MCP, it has to be me that fixes this one way or another because in her mind, I'm the only problem.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-04-2009 04:43 PM

She had some kind of anxiety which made it impossible for me to penetrate. We went together to a GP who helped her overcome this.

I think the anxiety is still there but in a different way, in as much as she has got past the "can't have sex" , to "can" but now has anxiety over what she may view as "dirty", touching or being touched.

Sex should purely be kissing and penetration, attitude.

That's a difficult one to jump because she's had that for years, this isn't new, rather an old problem.

I doubt she would see a sex therapist so that she can relax and understand it all, but you could use your "problem" and ask her to go with "you", to help "you", so she is none the wiser?

Non sexual things make a woman feel "sexy", like taking a bath together and just holding her talking and laughing... Things that don't "threaten" you only want sex from her.

That's tough on you but give that a go,

Start stroking her belly, thighs without mentioning or wanting to touch any other parts of her, intimate sides... again it's tough but do it.

What in effect your doing is making her feel comfortable about her body and non threatening about sex, eventually you can move your hand a little closer, ..

Women have "spots". That are very sexual to us, turns us on, and it is not our "parts", each woman is different... Pressure on my breasts, or rubbing the coxic bone, for instance, is very sexual to me...

Start finding those spots as well and WC's idea of massage would help you find those because you will be able to gage her reaction and know.

Good luck.

CW

**WildChild** · 06-05-2009 08:08 AM

Have you been checked for hormone levels, amino acids and such? The chemistry of arousal is complex.

Sounds like some education is in order. Would she be open to some books or dvds on sex? Not porn, but material to educate people in arousal and orgasm? There is some really good stuff available. I suggest you start on line looking up Welcomed Consensus. The book, written be a couple of their school,(yes there is an actual school that teaches how to orgasm) The One Hour Orgasm, gives good instructions for men and women on arousing and bringing their partner to orgasm just using your hands. Going Down, is a good book for oral sex, I've got some others that I just didn't find very useful. John Grey of Mars and Venus fame's book, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, offers some good, simple to follow instructions and advice.

At least give it a look?

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