Trouble with the first time

**SilentOne** · 05-12-2009 03:47 AM

So i recently tried to have sex for the first time, and it didn't work out at all. I was aroused and whatnot, but my vaginal opening was too small to allow my boyfriend to penetrate. I was already nervous about sex, and while I was ready and willing, I found it so painful that I am afraid to try again. My boyfriend was fabulous, taking things slow and not pushing me at all, but I have felt so discouraged and depressed that we couldn't do it. I don't really understand quite what is going on and what to do about it. I have never heard about this problem before, and would really enjoy some advice. I'm especially afraid about how much it will hurt to try again. I've talked about this with my boyfriend, and while 'taking it slow' is nice, I'm not sure it is going to solve anything. What can we do?

**x.st.angel.x** · 05-12-2009 05:51 AM

hey there i hope i can help...i read this article a couple years back about some kind of thing that happens to a womens vagina when nervous or tense...it has a name but basically it makes it hard to penetrate because the muslces sqeeze tight together...whether this is the case with you or not im not sure but the best thing i can think of is maybe get some lube for the next time you try it hopefully wont hurt as much but it should help with the penetration. Good luck

**Ms A** · 05-12-2009 03:46 PM

Almost everyone's first time is similar to yours - nervous and not satisfying. It took me and my first boyfriend THREE approaches until he could finally penetrate me (that happened... OMG, 7 years ago:-) )
Now, the most important thing is not to get discouraged and not to give up. It's absolutely normal. Try again with maybe use some of these tips:
Try to relax. Nervousness will still present, but minimizing it will help you. Approach it with patience and curiosity. Don't get easily disappointed and try not to discourage your boyfriend. You don't want him feel like he is a bad lover, especially when he is as caring as you describe.
Maybe glass of wine. Hot shower together. Erotic movie. You know, do stuff you both enjoy.
Do have lubricant on hand. Just to ease the first penetration. Although, from my own experience it's not necessary - you just need to get relaxed and excited enough.
DO NOT make sexual intercourse a goal. Simple rule that still helps me to have sexier mood sometimes! Play around for as long as you can. Touch each other. Kiss a lot. Explore each other's bodies. And don't start until you feel like your body really needs to feel him inside of you. And if that particular time you never feel like it - it's OK. Wait until next time. Happened to me - nothing to panic about.
And don't be discouraged or panicky, there is really nothing terrible going on. Positive approach will help you and your boyfriend the most.
Now, even after all those relaxation techniques, there still can be pain during first time (although, the more you relax, the less it will hurt). But once it is done and you are really excited - it shouldn't hurt anymore.
I hope it will help a little.

**SilentOne** · 05-12-2009 08:47 PM

It is a great relief to at least hear that this wasn't as uncommon as I believed. I don't have many female friends to discuss it with, and so I was a little taken aback to find it wasn't as easy as they had said. Thank you for your reassurance, and I will try your suggestions. I think that is mostly what I had to hear. Here's to hoping it goes better the next time.

**Neaky** · 05-12-2009 09:12 PM

Another tip, my first time i was on top.. Weird, i know, at first i thought so too but my boyfriend insisted. He was terrified to hurt me and dd research like crazy and a lot of articles he came across suggested the girl on top and trust me, it makes it easier. You control the depth, the pace etc., to your comfort. Good luck!

**Ms A** · 05-12-2009 11:27 PM

I just can't help but say: not weird, but lucky and awesome! I wish I have done that. I discovered the pleasure from position "me on top" relatively recently (about a year ago) with my love who was OK with me thrusting (finally, all my ex-partners were not). And we both can't get enough if it! I mean, who better knows how to reach my g-spot if not me?:-)

**golden_nemesis** · 05-13-2009 07:13 AM

Originally Posted by Neaky

Another tip, my first time i was on top.. Weird, i know, at first i thought so too but my boyfriend insisted. He was terrified to hurt me and dd research like crazy and a lot of articles he came across suggested the girl on top and trust me, it makes it easier. You control the depth, the pace etc., to your comfort. Good luck!

On the other hand, it can feel really awkward to be in control if you don't know what you are doing. The first time I had woman on top sex, I couldn't do it. Couldn't line things up right so that he penetrated me. I got so shy and nervous that it just didn't work.

Personally I'd rather have a caring, gentle partner be in control, so all I have to worry about is relaxing and opening myself, don't have to worry about how I look, how I move, etc.

**ItsASecret** · 05-13-2009 08:36 AM

On the other hand, it can feel really awkward to be in control if you don't know what you are doing. The first time I had woman on top sex, I couldn't do it. Couldn't line things up right so that he penetrated me. I got so shy and nervous that it just didn't work.

Personally I'd rather have a caring, gentle partner be in control, so all I have to worry about is relaxing and opening myself, don't have to worry about how I look, how I move, etc.

lol I still have no idea what I am doing on top. The aligning can be difficult and then when people say "just move back and forth"...yeah well you can do that but there is nothing that happens but a tiny bit of pressure right at the vaginal opening, there is no sliding in and out. To me its tough, to others they grasp it right away. I feel extremely awkward and nervous when I am on top because I still haven't "mastered it".

For my first time we were in the spooning position so that he could very easily control the motion. We would just take it super slow, in maybe an inch than out, then repeat several times just so my body could get used to the foreign pressure. Every once and awhile increasing how far he went in just so I didn't get any pain. There was some pressure, and there will be, only because the first time is not only new to your mind but also to your body. So yeah just take it slow and have lube on hand if you need it.

**Ms A** · 05-13-2009 09:09 AM

Originally Posted by ItsASecret

lol I still have no idea what I am doing on top. The aligning can be difficult and then when people say "just move back and forth"...yeah well you can do that but there is nothing that happens but a tiny bit of pressure right at the vaginal opening, there is no sliding in and out.

I used to feel absolutely the same way until we tried the position where my boyfriend is not lying down but sitting with his back against the wall. I felt closer to him and less "observed" and less self-conscious. I could lean back and use my hands as support, i could hold on to his shoulders. And he helped me with his hands a little (i.e. his hands on my hips) LOL, I remember first time I was constantly asking if me moving felt good for him... After couple of times we got it.
But basically it took me 6 years of sexual activity to grasp it, so yeah, can be tricky. Now it's our absolutely favorite position because it just hits the right spot.

**golden_nemesis** · 05-13-2009 09:22 AM

Originally Posted by Ms A

I used to feel absolutely the same way until we tried the position where my boyfriend is not lying down but sitting with his back against the wall. I felt closer to him and less "observed" and less self-conscious. I could lean back and use my hands as support, i could hold on to his shoulders. And he helped me with his hands a little (i.e. his hands on my hips) LOL, I remember first time I was constantly asking if me moving felt good for him... After couple of times we got it.
But basically it took me 6 years of sexual activity to grasp it, so yeah, can be tricky. Now it's our absolutely favorite position because it just hits the right spot.

Yeah, I have made progress on woman-on-top myself. I became consistently sexually active about a year ago, and only maybe 4 months ago did I really get the hang of the position and become able to orgasm from it. Before that, I did it mainly because it would drive my partner wild, he seemed to have some of the strongest orgasms that way. At some point it clicked, and we can easily come together, which is awesome.

For me, yes it is a back and forth motion, sometimes if I move forward too far, I can feel him come out of me and bump into my pubic bone. Its this angled movement that really hits my g-spot. In my experience, I reach orgasm best in a position where my hips are at a 90 degree angle to my partner's. So its woman on top, or him kneeling with me laying down and my legs either braced over his legs or against his chest. Sometimes I can come from doggy-style as well, but not as easily. Oh, and in pretty much any position, my partner is stimulating my clit.

In the beginning, everything will feel awkward. With experience, you will find more things that work for you. For now, just try and relax, and maybe invest in some good lube. It also might be a good idea for him to go down on you and finger you for a while before he tries penetration.

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