Thread: I dont feel like it...

I delivered two babies vaginally and nursed them each for over 3 years - they are smart and healthy. I ended up not feeling sexy because there were problems before my second was born and they didn't improve. It didn't really have anything to do with pregnancy, delivery or nursing. It's really sad that a man would think that seeing his child come into the world was, "disgusting to watch". My kid's father(now long time ex) didn't want to be there for the first and I told him If I'm going through it, he'd be there or it was over. After he couldn't say enough about how incredible it was.

Anyway my point is, when I get to it, there is probably something more going on here. However, you should (here it comes...another book) read, Mama Gena's Marriage Manual, she talks about the "good wife syndrome". Basically it is a culturally embedded belief that moms aren't sexy. No way, uh uh, not sexy. Moms are, well, motherly. And since as one poster pointed out our sexuality depends on our emotional state, it's hard for us to be motherly and sexy. It's also hard for a lot men to see the mother of their children in both roles unless she is really comfortable with it.

The recent news stories about the discovery of the oldest yet Goddess carving brings up the ancient belief in the power and sensualtiy of a woman's sexual and reproductive power. We've had many centuries of making that 'wrong'. I won't get into that, but with all that baggage, feeling sexy as a newer mother can be a tough row to hoe. Mama Gena's pep talk on that may help. Doing some journaling and getting it out of your system may help. Getting some help may help - call up a gf and offer to trade afternoons or mornings once a week so you can each have some time to yourself. Get a baby sitter and then go take a nice long soak in the tub and give yourself a pedicure. Have someone come in for a couple hours, a neighbor's teen if need be and take care of some of the house work. The cost will be worth your sanity.

Now personally I am "addicted" to sex. I love it, pretty much anytime but I wasn't that way with my kid's father. Why not get in to your OBG and find out if there are an physical reasons for the pain? That would be a turn off. Your husband is obviously frustrated and at his wits end, he's not handling it the best. Once you've made sure all is fine healthwise, get your self a kegel master or some vaginal weights and start strengthening that pc. You may be surprised at what that does! The western tradition of giving birth flat on your back (thanks to Henry the 8th wanting to watch his mistresses giving birth, for that fad) is really damaging and stressful to the body and sets you up for incontience and other unlovely problems. Strong pc muscles can offset a lot of that. And sometimes you can get so you can cum just doing kegles.

Talk to your husband about how you are feeling, ask if he is willing to help you ease back into feeling sexy? What would help you feel loved, cared for, special? Shampooing your hair? A Massage? Explain to him you need him to do these things for a while without trying to get it to lead to sex. Maybe in the meantime you could work at improving your skills with hand and tongue? The general thing is that for most women feeling loved will bring up sexual feelings while for men sex will bring up feelings of love. You don't want him to feel completely shut out while you are both working this out. But make sure there is give and take. He gets something he needs, you get something you need.

Communication is key.