Thread: Happily Married but Sexually Frustrated to tears..

Hi Sash - Can you tell us why it is not an approachable topic? What makes you feel that? Does he walk away? Do you start to cry and are then unable to get out what you really need to say? (I ask because that happens to me when I try to speak about something I've been dwelling on.)

I ask that first because the best way for any couple to deal with any issue that comes up is to talk it out. If you really can't talk to him then I think your relationship may be in a worse place than libido mismatch.

Could you write him a letter? Or an email, maybe. Could you write something loving and warm, telling him you aren't dissatisfied with him but with the sexual interaction. Could you describe in writing what you want? Could you perhaps even try to entice him by writing down some of your fantasies of what you might like to explore?

How do you think he would react to that?

The other thing you say is that there is no spontaneity. Well, he might not be spontaneous but you can be. Surprise him - when he gets home from work be waiting for him in nothing but heels and lipstick. Buy some sex toys to play with together - nothing scary, maybe something as simple as a sex nurse / maid outfit, maybe padded hand-cuffs, a bullet vibrator is something you can both play with - that kind of thing. (Not a 12 inch dong - you'd be surprised how intimidated even the most confident man can be by that kind of thing )

I don't know if that kind of thing would bother him because you don't describe what his hang ups about talking about this are. You don't even really say what he does 'wrong' - just that you are unhappy and bored with it. What do you mean by 'fun sex', what kinds of things do you want to explore?

Have you tried taking the lead and just doing it? Have you tried doing something a little riské and been rejected or do you just not know how to suggest it? If it is a question of how to bring it up I would suggest just doing it. My man wears a kilt and both of us love the fact that I can just reach up under there and grab him when the mood takes me - I have also been known to drop to my knees and give him a little close attention in a dark parking lot. Now - I'm not suggesting you buy hubby a kilt but maybe when you're out together just grab him through his pants and tell him how much you want him. Climb in his lap when he's watching tv. When he's been a good boy and done the dishes / emptied the dishwasher tell him you want to say thanks with a little oral and give it to him right there in the kitchen. (Obviously if you have kids you need to work around that, but if you don't.. well, get to it now! Why not?!)

If you don't think any of those things are possible maybe we can help if you can talk us through why you don't think you could take the lead with him.

I hope this helps.

We have been married 2 years and have a 3 year old.. but still.. in the evenings there is time but he is always tired/... we hold and hug and kiss and are very affectionate toward each other.. he tells me he loves me everyday and I tell him the same.. and I do and believe he does.. Today I pinned him to the wall and we foten have little sexual sensual moments.. but it is just not enough for me .. I wish it was and I just cant stop feeling the frustration despite my total love for him..
I think he needs to go for some testosterone tests or something but I don't really know how to say it without hurting his feelings and ego..
Being vocal about my sexual needs to him does not help..
I love oral sex with him and would do anything he suggested if he would just suggest it or simply lead me to it.. He is a good lover when he feels like it .. it is just getting abit the same old same old.. although good old good old..
I wish he was as experimental as I am and i think if we could make love more often then we would get there but once a week is just not enough.. at all..

My worst fear is that I am beginning to fantasize about other men.. it is not that I am unattractive to my husband at all.. I find him lovely and sexy ..
I have started to have dreams of having a lover to fill the sensual gap.. I do not want this but my head is going there when I sleep because I fall asleep frustrated nearly every night..

Fantasising about other men is not the same as having sex with other men. Do not worry about it. It is not infidelity. Men fantasise about other women all the time.

Doing it during sex may be another matter, but having a little sexual fantasy about some movie star or even some guy you know is not a step to infidelity. You have no intention of acting on it.

You say you "would do anything he suggested if he would just suggest it or simply lead [you] to it" - I go back to what I said above. You lead him.

If you are not getting what you want you need to ask for it.

it is unapproachable because I spoke about it too much and made an issue of it.
We have a wonderful relationship.. and I am just bored with our usual routine and I hold back because I have been rejected nearlly 8 times out of 10 if not 9 times out of 10.
Next to the bed I have fluffy cuffs ..beads.. dildo .. vibrator.. soft chocolate spread.. I have used the cuffs on him and he loves it but he never gets creative back.. I love making love with him and he is wonderful but I just do not get enough.. and think of sex all day everyday and I have stopped talking baout it cos if I do he wants it less.. when he gets on he is on .. besides our sex being quite short all is good.. I just do not get enough...
I would love to get to it now .. but he is 'tired' and sleeping!
he would like to i think .. we has a friendly bet and he lost to my terms of sex 3 times in 24 hours.. it was kinda a joke but when i got home from being away 2 days he had made me dinner and cleaned the house and was being loving as he always is.. and we had the regular sex but it was amazing with a beautiful oral orgasm.. and he said he was ready to fill full his bargin.. I though I was in for sex and loving for the next few days but to my frustration in being wound up .. he had been to tired the last two days.. it is so hectic .. cos I came home after not having slept for 2 nights solid and still wanted to make love.. and we did but .. im just freaking out cos I need to get it more than once a week.. and maybe some morning sessions.. I am also bored of being the one to initiate it all the time.. and most of the time being rejecte cos he is tired.. but if im tired and make love I feel so much better... urrrrr I hope this is not a forever thing..
sexual desire is a crazy thing.. I wish he had more or i had less

I am always the one making the moves.. Im getting a bit frustrated with being rejected .. I think me making the moves puts him off .. so im trying to slack it off.. but neither way helps.. I love him I just want to make exciting, sensual .. loving passionate.. experimental loving and sex with him

Hey you French .. My husband is French .. aren't the French meant to be into sex big time..? LOL Thanks for your time!!

Actually - I'm Irish and, despite living in France, I've never had a Frenchman, or woman for that matter!

I don't know what to suggest now - maybe he does just have a low libido. It's a shame that you trying to talk about it has made it more of a problem because really you need to let him know the negative impact this is having on your happiness.

Will you think about writing him a letter? In a letter you can say everything you need to - you can choose your words carefully and you can't be interrupted. Make it a love letter. Make it all about how you want him, how you need him. Tell him that taking the lead all the time is becoming difficult for you, especially as you are being rejected so often. (Don't mention fantasies about other men - those fantasies do have a place inside your head but not outside of it.)

Try, if you can, not to make it negative - Try to make it about what you need and would like BOTH of you to do - not about what he's doing wrong. If he reads 'You don't...', I wish you could....', 'Why don't you...' then he will feel accused - attacked even. If he reads lots of 'I'd love if you would...' and 'I want...' then it's all about you and you risk sounding like you don't care what he wants and needs. Try lots of 'I would like us to...' and 'I love it when we...'. Keep the language as positive as possible.

Ask him to think about it all before responding. Suggest maybe that he could respond in writing too.

It sounds to me that this is making you unhappy. You have tried action and it isn't working - dialogue is the only other way.

Sash, I'm sorry for your situation. People (men and women) vary a lot in their desire for sex. For some people sex is very important, for others it is something they do when they run out of other ways to keep busy.

I have been in a similar situation (genders reversed) for more than 20 years now. I wish I had a suggestion that would help.