Sexless marriage and having an affair

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-11-2010 01:30 AM

end, take yourself back to 22 years ago, how did you feel then, 20, 18, 16 years ago?

I believe that another "person" can offer passion, including all that we desire, miss.. but, what happens after 1 month? 1 week? will it be over? Is it real?

I understand you NEED, goodness, 7 plus years is nowhere near as long as your 22, but it was a loveless, sexless marriage so I get it.

It could be a match, it could be a soulmate, but it could also be feeding of your desires, needs so be very careful.

I think you can't offer suggestions anymore it's 22 years of marriage you have to be stronger and let it be known that YOU are not happy, that YOU deserve the love, that YOU are in a marriage and it has to give...

Make him see that you COULD walk..

But be mindful that you could get hurt, whilst getting the pleasure you so long for and be prepared if that happens.

CW

**sungem77** · 03-11-2010 08:51 AM

this is more common than you think. i was in a sexless marriage too. at year 7 we stopped having sex. at year 20 i started having an affair. i cant belive i let myself go so long without it. my husband did nothing to try to work on our marriage although i constantly tried to get him to go to counseling etc. once i started having sex again, i realized i could never go back to a life without it. i was like the walking dead without it.
right now i'm in the process of getting divorced. its extremely diffiuclt but life is too short to live without love, affection, intimacy. these are the things that make life worth living.

can you tell your husband that you refuse to live like this anymore and that if he doesnt try to work on your relatiuonbship, that you'll look for sex elsewhere. what does he expect you to do? did you ask him that?

**WildChild** · 03-11-2010 09:07 AM

People make things so difficult for themselves and each other!

**endymion** · 03-11-2010 09:44 PM

It's just one long sigh...

I can't/won't consider leaving him-- I love him and otherwise enjoy him too much. I think the only way to go is to get his permission eventually for a "don't ask/don't tell" arrangement. I am American, he is European, we live in his country and things are a bit different I think (though I have not lived in the US or even visited much in 23 years). I may be able to frame it as "outsourcing".

Our daughter will be leaving in a few months for university in the States. Maybe a shift will occur then, in him or in me.

It is really nice to be able to come here and write about it, get it out and see it. I have tried in other forums but as soon as I have mentioned that I am okay with the porn, people have freaked out, I mean really freaked out. I had no idea it was unacceptable to state this! So thank you very much

I am meeting Man No. 2 for coffee today. I think I will be telling him it's just going to be coffee from now on, or at least until Fall.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-11-2010 10:07 PM

I think Europeans think quite differently than Americans or Australians so I hope that he will accept an open relationship and I hope you don't "fall in love" with the person that you end up with, I guess you can only see huh..

There is nothing wrong with being okay with Porn, you will get some ladies that will still freak out here

But, remember to those that wish to do so, this thread is about sexless / affairs, not porn and secondly, we don't judge on this Forum...

I guess it's probably a good thing "for now" to let this man know that your better than that, you wish to discuss things further with your husband, he will respect you more as well I am sure.

I also guess that you have a "strong friendship" with your husband and that's your logical reason for staying, years of friendship.

Maybe, just by mentioning what you are intending, he may very well change his tune

**Texasred** · 03-12-2010 11:58 PM

Originally Posted by endymion

It's difficult to give up on the husband. But is 22 years enough to base this decision on??

If 22 years weren't enough, what would be?
50?
It sounds to me like you've waited long enough to qualify for sainthood.

There's just going to be one problem: if you start out just "having sex," and if it's all good, you'll find yourself falling in love.
Guaranteed.
Loving someone makes the sex just enormously better, too.
And then you're not going to be happy just having stolen moments with him.

- TR

**happy ending** · 03-13-2010 05:38 AM

Originally Posted by Texasred

There's just going to be one problem: if you start out just "having sex," and if it's all good, you'll find yourself falling in love.
Guaranteed.
Loving someone makes the sex just enormously better, too.
And then you're not going to be happy just having stolen moments with him.

- TR

its true, although my current relationship started 6 months after i'd separated from a sexless marriage, it was firstly a mainly physical relationship, but we fell in love, despite the fact it was totally inconvenient!!! you are playing with fire if you wish to stay married.

**takaris7** · 06-14-2010 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by happy ending

its true, although my current relationship started 6 months after i'd separated from a sexless marriage, it was firstly a mainly physical relationship, but we fell in love, despite the fact it was totally inconvenient!!! you are playing with fire if you wish to stay married.

I do have a worry. I am going through the same thing generally. My wife really didn't think sex was all that important and regarded as something that was "terribly overated." Now after months of bugging her and asking her to go get some support for our sexless marriage....

I told her that I have all but given up on it. Basically I have....I really have no interest in her anymore. Now after some hints that there is another woman in the picture...she wants to "try sex out."

(Try it out? What happen to the 12 years of "not really trying it out." or sex not really working at all with us? I have a friend now who is really supportive and has actually taken the place of my wife socially. She is not a recluse or not shy about sex at all. She wants to be with me but i have be reluctant. Scared even.)

I know it sounds strange....but I feel like it is some type of trap. I have talked of seperation as a solution to our problems and she comes up with the idea of "scheduling our sex." or "giving to me if i really need it." I hate the idea of pity sex or the possibility that she just wants to do it to shut me up.

I care for my wife but I long for a normal sexual/social relationship.

**Texasred** · 06-14-2010 09:54 PM

Originally Posted by takaris7

I do have a worry. I am going through the same thing generally. My wife really didn't think sex was all that important and regarded as something that was "terribly overated." Now after months of bugging her and asking her to go get some support for our sexless marriage....

I told her that I have all but given up on it. Basically I have....I really have no interest in her anymore. Now after some hints that there is another woman in the picture...she wants to "try sex out."

(Try it out? What happen to the 12 years of "not really trying it out." or sex not really working at all with us? I have a friend now who is really supportive and has actually taken the place of my wife socially. She is not a recluse or not shy about sex at all. She wants to be with me but i have be reluctant. Scared even.)

I know it sounds strange....but I feel like it is some type of trap. I have talked of seperation as a solution to our problems and she comes up with the idea of "scheduling our sex." or "giving to me if i really need it." I hate the idea of pity sex or the possibility that she just wants to do it to shut me up.

I care for my wife but I long for a normal sexual/social relationship.

Your story sounds so much like mine it's scary - right down to the "pity sex." Which, like you, I have no interest in.

All I can say is that there are people out there who are not afraid to enjoy life, and who enjoy sex for the gift that it is.

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