Sexless marriage and having an affair

**mohawk** · 06-04-2009 11:07 PM

We're both 45, been married 11 years. I love my husband, he is a good father and provider. We get along pretty good, go places movies, out to dinner, etc.. Here is my problem. The last time he really kissed me was on our wedding day. Once we said I do and got into our home he had me then and romance went out the window. He was never a sex everyday kind of guy but as the years went by the days between sex turned into weeks then months. I have to ask him for sex and then he's tired, he's busy, this or that, and when he does it lasts 15 or 20 minutes. He will rarely ask me and when he does its just come on get on, there is no foreplay no nothing. I have shown him, I have talked to him, I have written letters to him, I brought toys, movies, I have prayed and every once in a while he will do a little better but then after a couple of times we're right back to nothing. I had it in my mind that there was something wrong with me as a woman and that this was all my fault. I thought maybe I just wasn't attractive enough or just had forgot how to please a man. He doesn't even enjoy getting a BJ. After sex he goes back to watching tv or to sleep. I can't lay on him my body is too hot, I have to get out of his spot before I get it wet, I can't lay my head on him because its to heavy, he doesn't like to be touched and all kinds of stupid mess. All I get at night is a hug and goodnite. I just got to the point after years of tears and a hurting heart to try to ignore my sexual needs. A year ago I got in touch with an old BF from 20 yrs ago and the chemistry was still the same. I was terribly shocked by my body's actions. I mean it was as though I became alive again. We touch, we kiss, we make love and its awesome. I don't have to use any creams or oils for lubrication and I can lay on, touch, caress, and love on him with no complaints. I feel bad about the cheating but I need this physical and mental affection. We talk almost everyday, sometimes even have phone sex. My husband and I are more like roommates with a son. I've even talked about leaving but he doesn't want me to leave yet he doesn't want me either. I'm getting ready to end this affair only because its wrong. I dread going back to the way things were with my husband. I guess I don't leave him honestly because of the fear of starting over. I just wanted to know if there are other women who really do love their husbands but the husband shows no physical/sexual interest in her and what do you do after you've tried everything possible?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-05-2009 02:35 AM

The last time he really kissed me was on our wedding day

A good father, a good provider is not enough without love.

The last time my ex -husband kissed me was 2 years into our marriage so what nearly 6 years of never been kissed myself, coupled with 12 months after I left without intimacy (my choice) then another, 12 months almost, after that... Tough I know.

I am not going to judge you regarding the affair. I didn't do that, and as I said I waited another 12 months before but it was probably really, 2 years before I got that buzz and went OMG, didn't realise what I had inside of me sexually.

I am 45 as well.

had it in my mind that there was something wrong with me as a woman and that this was all my fault. I thought maybe I just wasn't attractive enough or just had forgot how to please a man. He doesn't even enjoy getting a BJ. After sex he goes back to watching tv or to sleep. I can't lay on him my body is too hot, I have to get out of his spot before I get it wet, I can't lay my head on him because its to heavy, he doesn't like to be touched and all kinds of stupid mess.

I call that emotional abuse, in a way it's not, but in away it's, degrading a person to the extent that they feel it's there fault, they feel that they are not sexy and they do not feel alive and become depressed and things fail around them as a result.

It's 1 person making the other feel useless, pointless, but more importantly you feel un-loved, un-attractive, non-sexy..

It's selfish, it's non-commital and it's not worth hanging about for.

You found whom you are, you know who you really are and you now know that you are alive.

He may provide, he may be a good Dad, but if your in a loveless marriage and he "wont listen" "wont comply", refused to hear you, when you speak over and over and over he never will. Until... You leave... And, then pending on his pride, he may not even then...

Or he may say I will change... But does for a month and goes back to whom he was...is...

We are young at 45 and sexual, we can own the world haha, seriously.... because the one lesson you learnt from all of this is "exactly who you are" and you won't settle for less.

I would quit trying.

I certainly wouldn't tell him about the affair but you can't stay in a marriage in a lie and also sleeping with another man whilst married seriously can you.

So, do the right thing.

Seperate, tell him you need time out, he's not listening.. and he will either come around and really come around and then you can work towards a future again, or he won't in which case, you keep the strength you've gained and get on with your life.

In the olden days, i am convinced women stayed out of the word marriage, and some still believe in that.

But it was loveless and lonely until the day they died. "Next life maybe".

In today's age, we have to be more selfish... Think of ourselves because we only live one life as to whom we are.

Give 100% to making things change, not 50/50 but if he can't come to the party and give back 50% what are you meant to do?

Get on with your life and chalk it down to it has run it's course and this is your life.

CW

**Iseulda** · 06-05-2009 02:44 AM

You talk about not leaving because your husband doesn't want you to leave. What about what you want? Why are his needs more important than yours?

What age is your son? Could you split with your husband amicably and carry on parenting your child together effectively?

This may be a tad controversial but I'm not so sure you should end the affair. What is your boyfriend actually taking from your husband, what are you giving your boyfriend that your husband wants? Nothing. Maybe you could talk to your husband and see how he feels about you having a boyfriend. Don't tell him you have one but tell him you can't live your life without sexual intimacy, he can't / won't provide that so you need to find it elsewhere. He may surprise you and say 'OK, get a boyfriend' - in which case you carry on the affair, you get your sexual intimacy and he gets his platonic wife. What changes? You don't have to feel guilty. If he says 'No way' then you have to start talking about how you get your needs met within the marriage. You can't force him to have sex, but he can't force you to stay in a sexless marriage.

I actually believe that you don't have to feel guilty anyway. People set so much store by monogamy at any cost. I'm a big fan of monogamy myself - but not at any cost. Think about how this lack of sex has made you feel over the years, read your own words "I had it in my mind that there was something wrong with me as a woman and that this was all my fault. I thought maybe I just wasn't attractive enough or just had forgot how to please a man" - that makes me so sad. A friend of mine went through the same thing - her husband went over 15 years without having sex with her even once. Her self esteem was destroyed. She's a pretty, sexy, bubbly, sensual woman and yet she felt like a troll. Her husband doing that to her, your husband making you feel like that, is just as big as a betrayal as cheating.

You deserve to be allowed to be the sensual, sexual woman you are. Squashing that down is wrong and he is not being fair to you. If he won't explore your sexuality with you does he really have the right to insist that you don't explore it elsewhere? I don't think so. The emotional and sexual fidelity my man gives me is a gift, a gift I earn by being everything he needs, the emotional and sexual fidelity I give him he earns in the same way. If that ever falters then of course the first step is not look elsewhere, it is to talk, to try, to negotiate - you have done that. You've done amazingly well, better than I would have - but the bottom line is that you deserve to have your needs met.

Think about that before you dump the boyfriend. Yes, going behind your husband's back is not good - but his treatment of you is equally bad. You're not the villain here. Neither is he. You're both just human with conflicting needs and you need to find a solution.

Good luck.

**Iseulda** · 06-05-2009 02:56 AM

I didn't see CW's post before I posted but essentially we agree on everything except this:

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I certainly wouldn't tell him about the affair but you can't stay in a marriage in a lie and also sleeping with another man whilst married seriously can you.

I think that she can stay. If her husband is OK with a don't ask, don't tell policy on her having a boyfriend then she can keep her family together and get her needs met.

Maybe their son needs them to stay together for his financial and emotional security, maybe she and the husband would be far worse off single. I really don't believe this is a regular 'cheating' situation because, as I said, she is not giving the boyfriend anything that the husband wants, or even needs it seems.

Maybe it is my background. Without going into detail (it'd take too long), my parents operated an open marriage - having girlfriends / boyfriends from time to time and the odd fling and one night stand (as far as I can work out). They also had a good sexual relationship together and though the emotional relationship had its ups and down they managed to stay together, being good friends, great parents and happy people. They are still together and still happy. Monogamy wasn't something they needed in order to do that.

I prefer a monogamous relationship myself, but I have learned not to judge others if that doesn't work for them.

I just want the OP to know she's not a bad person for having an affair, not at all.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-05-2009 03:22 AM

What if from telling him what if i got myself a boyfriend?

He snooped and established what happened, filed for divorce and gave her nothing? What if?

That hasn't been mentioned. His personality and how he would react.

He sounds like a "closed person" not an open person like your parents were..

But the OP knows this side of him and his personality.

Be careful, someone whom tries to change and can't are set in their ways in my opinion.

CW

**WildChild** · 06-05-2009 08:51 AM

This is a touchy situtation. Having an open marriage is one thing, having an affair is another. CW brings up some important points from a legal standpoint.

The husband could have a hormone problem and that can lead to some serious health affects. He should get a complete physical. The lack of affection is another thing. I hug my gfs with no sexual interest, it's part of caring and connecting. Caring touch is vital to our health. Lack of it should be considered a form of abuse.

How long do you think you can balance this? Some people do it for years. Breaking free and starting over very well might be the best thing you ever did. I'll bet your life is constrained by more than lack of sex and affection. Do you want your some to think that this is how commited adults interact? How whould it feel to be able to walk in the park, in the sun, and kiss the man in your life passionately without caring who sees you?

**hippiechick2405** · 06-05-2009 02:07 PM

How old is your son? That is the only issue that I see with leaving your husband (other than being scared of starting over, and possibly financially?). Life is way too short to be absolutely miserable and neglected at all times. What he has done is complete BS and I agree with CW about it being a form of emotional abuse. Seriously, a husband having no sexual desire or affection towards his wife? Not right. An affair is looked down upon, but I honestly can't blame you. I think I would have found me a boyfriend too! Good luck!

**mohawk** · 06-05-2009 05:21 PM

I want to thank you all for your responses. I feel better just being able to talk about my situation to someone. I have never talked to anyone about this until last year and I was so ashamed of letting anyone know the kind of life I was living. My son just graduated from high school and I didn't want to move him and wreck his senior year. My finances are not enough to make it on my own yet. I have thought about talking to my husband about us living in the house together yet live our lives separately. There would not be much difference than what we're doing now. I didn't realize just how sad this was until I saw it in print. So many years have been wasted but I wanted my son to have a dad. In my heart I know this is not the way to live and I need to do something for myself and get on with my life. I tried to get him to talk to the doctor about his lack of desire and lack of being able to keep an erection but he won't do that. He just says nothing is wrong he's just getting old. Even if there was something medically wrong it wouldn't stop him from just being physically affectionate. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this problem but it still hurts just the same. I am going to have to make a move, I owe that much to myself.

Thanks to all,
Mohawk

**jen4625** · 06-06-2009 07:29 PM

I have been married for three years and he has no sex drive. When I go to him he pushes me away and says later. Later never happens. When we do have sex, it is all about him, but it lasts like 15 minutes.

I completely feel for you. I wish I could help, but I have no answer to my problem either. I just want to let you know I feel for you.

**happy ending** · 06-06-2009 10:12 PM

life with a cold unaffectionate man is soul destroying, dont punish yourself. i know how horrible it is, please leave it is better to be alone and open to happiness than with someone like that. good luck in being the loving, sexy, juicy woman you can be.