Tricks to combat performance anxiety?

Zensandwich · 07-02-2009, 03:14 PM

My boyfriend has been under a lot of stress recently. He's going to school during the day, and working 3rd shift at a hospital from 11pm to 7am at night. He doesn't sleep a lot, and making rent every month is tough. He's also recently developed a severe intolerance to alcohol. (He breaks out into hives when he drinks)

This has started to seep into the bedroom, when he can't get it up. He's only 23 years old, and I know this is weighing heavily on his already troubled mind. We've been together for five years, sexually active for three of them. (I'll be 20 this month, if it's relevant)

I like sex a lot, and until a few weeks ago it was always fantastic. But now I feel less inclined to suggest that we have sex, in case that it doesn't work again. I hate seeing his face when he thinks he's disappointed me.

But I go back to school in the fall, and I wont get to see him everyday like I do now. So I want to take advantage of this time, for my personal reasons.

Are there any tricks to getting his mind off of all of this stress? We both know what the problem is! But its been going on too long, and wont change any time soon. I want to go back to carefree sex!

pureromancebystacie · 07-02-2009, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zensandwich

Are there any tricks to getting his mind off of all of this stress? We both know what the problem is! But its been going on too long, and wont change any time soon. I want to go back to carefree sex!

Certainly no tricks to this but here are some suggestions. Add a whole lot more foreplay! Try giving each other sensual massages this might help him become more aroused as well as relaxed so he can perform. Talk dirty, let the suspense build up! Always reassure him that you love him and let him know how much you enjoy the way he makes you feel!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-02-2009, 07:11 PM

Sweet.

You need to be understanding, "for your personal reasons" you want sex more now because your going back to school soon and won't get it.

The poor guy feels down an disappointed when he doesn't perform.

Cut him some slack, 5 years is a long time to be together, go without it for a bit.

He can't work 11pm - 7pm and then study, not sleep and also perform in the bedroom now can he....

CW

**WildChild** · 07-02-2009, 07:51 PM

Maybe take the pressure off. Give him a nice back rub and then go pleasure yourself. Help him relax and then let him want it? You might try getting a copy (Yes, here I go - a book- surprise) One Hour Orgasm. There is a really good description of how to pleasure a man or woman, setting the stage, creating a mood, building their anticipation - it's pretty good. Might just do the trick.

I'll bet the gentlemen here will have some ideas on this too

Zensandwich · 07-02-2009, 08:35 PM

Thanks everyone, we're pretty good about foreplay, thankfully. I think I'll try and lay off the poor boy for awhile. He is going through a rough spot at the moment, and I think I should be more supportive, like you said.

It's just... he wants to have sex too. It's so hard to turn him down, when we both WANT to have sex. I think that may take more will power than I possess.

**Joy** · 07-02-2009, 10:11 PM

well there is no magic trick for this my dear.... If he has a constant stress and worry about how rent will be made and always worrying about school and his job his immune system will start to decrease and his body will become unhealthy.

you've been together for 5 years and so you know him well and love him lots... Does he have to go to school full time? Can he cut back some classes and cruise for a semester?

What else do you see about his lifestyle habits such as diet and exercise he can change to keep himself healthy and happy? When does he graduate? Is he really happy with what he is studying or is he doing it cause that is what his parents wanted him to study?

You can still initiate sex cause you can give him a great rub down and make his whole body feel good and show him that your relationship is not just about the physical part but you can also nuture his whole body. If he isn't taking good care of himself and body then maybe he needs to be reminded to take time to nuture himself and his body and to relax and breath. Not to take life so seriously every moment. He may be so focused on his goals that he is ingnoring other parts of himself that need to be nutured. This lack of nuture could be manifesting and harming his sex drive.

Zensandwich · 07-03-2009, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joy

What else do you see about his lifestyle habits such as diet and exercise he can change to keep himself healthy and happy? When does he graduate? Is he really happy with what he is studying or is he doing it cause that is what his parents wanted him to study?

His lifestyle habits are terrible. He's dropped about 30 lbs in five months due to only eating about once a day, and when he does eat... he eats badly. (Grease, Fat, Sugar)

His school is up in the air. He comes from a very traditional Filipino family, and he failed out of school four years ago due to having to spend more time at home than actually going to class taking care of his young siblings and aging, very ill, grandfather while his parents started up their own business. After he failed out his parents took it as a blessing, and forced him to live and work for them for peanuts. (So he'd never have enough money to leave)

He only just moved out of that toxic environment after years of abuse. I don't think he totally knows who he is yet, and he just got started back in school. I'll probably graduate before him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-03-2009, 08:20 AM

Wow, why do people "add" well actually that's a real wicked/good thing... Good for you.

The stress you've acutally gone through is huge and his love 5 years for you great.

Just bear with him hey... like i said only for diff reasons.

His stress like we saw was WAY HUGE....

Thanks for sharing.

CW

07-02-2009, 03:14 PM	#1
Zensandwich Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 5	Tricks to combat performance anxiety? My boyfriend has been under a lot of stress recently. He's going to school during the day, and working 3rd shift at a hospital from 11pm to 7am at night. He doesn't sleep a lot, and making rent every month is tough. He's also recently developed a severe intolerance to alcohol. (He breaks out into hives when he drinks) This has started to seep into the bedroom, when he can't get it up. He's only 23 years old, and I know this is weighing heavily on his already troubled mind. We've been together for five years, sexually active for three of them. (I'll be 20 this month, if it's relevant) I like sex a lot, and until a few weeks ago it was always fantastic. But now I feel less inclined to suggest that we have sex, in case that it doesn't work again. I hate seeing his face when he thinks he's disappointed me. But I go back to school in the fall, and I wont get to see him everyday like I do now. So I want to take advantage of this time, for my personal reasons. Are there any tricks to getting his mind off of all of this stress? We both know what the problem is! But its been going on too long, and wont change any time soon. I want to go back to carefree sex!

07-02-2009, 07:11 PM	#3
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,477 Blog Entries: 6	Sweet. You need to be understanding, "for your personal reasons" you want sex more now because your going back to school soon and won't get it. The poor guy feels down an disappointed when he doesn't perform. Cut him some slack, 5 years is a long time to be together, go without it for a bit. He can't work 11pm - 7pm and then study, not sleep and also perform in the bedroom now can he.... CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

07-03-2009, 08:20 AM	#8
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,477 Blog Entries: 6	Wow, why do people "add" well actually that's a real wicked/good thing... Good for you. The stress you've acutally gone through is huge and his love 5 years for you great. Just bear with him hey... like i said only for diff reasons. His stress like we saw was WAY HUGE.... Thanks for sharing. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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07-02-2009, 07:51 PM	#4
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 5,858 Blog Entries: 4	Maybe take the pressure off. Give him a nice back rub and then go pleasure yourself. Help him relax and then let him want it? You might try getting a copy (Yes, here I go - a book- surprise) One Hour Orgasm. There is a really good description of how to pleasure a man or woman, setting the stage, creating a mood, building their anticipation - it's pretty good. Might just do the trick. I'll bet the gentlemen here will have some ideas on this too

07-02-2009, 08:35 PM	#5
Zensandwich Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 5	Thanks everyone, we're pretty good about foreplay, thankfully. I think I'll try and lay off the poor boy for awhile. He is going through a rough spot at the moment, and I think I should be more supportive, like you said. It's just... he wants to have sex too. It's so hard to turn him down, when we both WANT to have sex. I think that may take more will power than I possess.

07-02-2009, 10:11 PM	#6
Joy Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 623 Blog Entries: 5	well there is no magic trick for this my dear.... If he has a constant stress and worry about how rent will be made and always worrying about school and his job his immune system will start to decrease and his body will become unhealthy. you've been together for 5 years and so you know him well and love him lots... Does he have to go to school full time? Can he cut back some classes and cruise for a semester? What else do you see about his lifestyle habits such as diet and exercise he can change to keep himself healthy and happy? When does he graduate? Is he really happy with what he is studying or is he doing it cause that is what his parents wanted him to study? You can still initiate sex cause you can give him a great rub down and make his whole body feel good and show him that your relationship is not just about the physical part but you can also nuture his whole body. If he isn't taking good care of himself and body then maybe he needs to be reminded to take time to nuture himself and his body and to relax and breath. Not to take life so seriously every moment. He may be so focused on his goals that he is ingnoring other parts of himself that need to be nutured. This lack of nuture could be manifesting and harming his sex drive.