mooseknuckler

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post so please be gentle :P I've stumbled on this site a week ago or so looking for woman's opinions and thoughts on sex and men, and I'd have to say I read some very interesting and helpful things on sex and penis size and whatnot. So now I'm reaching out on a more direct level... Here's a quick background on me and my relationship:

Me:

I'm 30 yrs old and been in several failed relationships (2 of which were over 5 yrs) mostly because of other guys in some way shape or form including cheating... Usually ex boyfriends or internet "friends". Now because of this it makes me think I'm doing something wrong or I'm not enough so they look elsewhere (my confidence has been somewhat damaged). So my first 5 yr relationship was with my "high school sweetheart" (who ended up leaving me for some guy she worked with) then about 9mths later I met someone else and 5yrs and 2 children later I walked out after finding out about a 3 yr affair and ever since I've had a hard time holding on to a girlfriend (mostly due to internet "buddies" they just can't let go of from when they were single).

Relationship:

My girlfriend and I met online back in December and well we have been great together but she has been single for the past 3 years and has met a lot of guys over those years online. Going into this relationship I worried this might become an issue, but we hit it off so well I couldn't walk away... We have had a few little hiccups in the beginning involving her ex and how they were still good friends (but I think that was her just holding on just in case). She has been crushed or let down by guys over her single years and has had quite the guard up so I let it slide thinking this would pass as we got closer and more serious (and they did) but just recently I happened to peek at her phone and saw a disturbing msg to someone I never heard of... So I asked her about it, and of course she was mad and defensive at first about me looking at her phone. Then she came around and admitted that this is a guy shes been talking to on the net for 3 yrs but has never met as he is over seas... but for whatever reason she hasn't been able to let go... Now that it was out in the open and we had a few long talks about it, I think she has finally seen the light and just how good we are together and that I'm not going anywhere, that I love her to death and I'm always going to be willing to work things out. Anyway... things are good now... Well mostly...

The problem:

When we first got together we had a lot of sex... and great sex! Because we have been able to be really open with sex and communicate well, but it would seem the more serious we get the less interested in sex she is becoming... I think it might be getting somewhat boring for her (I'm trying to come up with ways to make it more exciting). I have talked to her about this and she thinks its due to "the pill" shes talking. Is this something common? I guess I'm just worried that shes missing the whole being able to do what she wants and with whoever she wants from her single life, and I worry shes upset that she had to break of these internet buddies she had... I dunno maybe I'm just being paranoid because of my past... What do you ladies think? Can anyone relate to any of this from either side? She use to be really sexually aggressive and wanted me all the time... but now... not so much, and our relationship is beginning to suffer as were not as intimately close. Theres a slight bit of awkwardness now... Don't get me wrong we still have a blast together but there would seem to be a slight disconnection in the emotional side... I don't want to become her "buddy"

Fatin

mmm dude u talk exactly lyk som1 i know but i think its bcos of ur past maybe .. but like i always say talk to her ..trust me its the only and the best thing u can do

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blondie80

Ok so here goes blondie and her question firing lol, ok so you guys have been together a little while do you think maybe now that you guys are becoming more comfortable with each other that she is just settling down into the relationship as things become more the norm?
Also if you are the kind of guy that is worried about these things she may see this as a sign of insecurity I dont know how else to say this but be confident in yourself she is with you because she wants to be not because she is stuck, she may be missing her alone time a little coming into a relationship when you have been single for a while can be a big thing for some women and they feel like they lose themselves, does she spend much time with friends or do you guys spend every waking minute together sort of thing?
When you have come out of bad relationships its really hard to build up trust in other people, you can become insecure and clingy, this can be really hard for either of you to deal with. I met my partner online and we have been together a while now and I also had come out of a really bad relationship and it took maybe 6 months or so to get most of my trust happening, sure I trusted his judgement his decissions and day to day stuff but if something felt a little weird I would jump to conclusions because I was so used to being trodden on in the past, that is the hardest part in all of this to deal with, because I was putting strain on the relationship thinking I was sure there was something wrong. Maybe this might be something you need to work on to make this work for you guys too, you either have to come to a decision that you have to trust and take the chance that you may get hurt again but is it worth the risk?
You also need to work on the guard issue, show her how much you love her buy her flowers take her on dates run her a nice bath and not expect anything in return for a little while, kiss her and tell her you love her or just hold her and dont expect sex, alot of little things help, but also be willing to give her a little space and trust a little more in why she is with you!

WildChild

Blondie has just described some sort of paradise (well except for the don't expect sex part). It's hard for me to understand people who act this way because if I'm in a relationship (not just casually dating) I'm IN it, don't get this business of messing around the edges. But I always manage to find men who treat me like yesterday's news - LOL. Such is life.

You've been together about 7 months? How much time do you spend together? Are you in the same city? Have you talked about LTRs and what you each think your behavior should be in one? Have the two of you discussed whether you each feel you could have a lifetime together? Is that where she would like to see things go?
I guess the main question is, are really on the same page?

blondie80

Yeah I know wild child it would be a sort of paradise except for the sex thing lol, I had suggested that because well he wasn't really getting it, so if maybe they had been arguing or something like that he could show he wasnt there for that alone.
I would though question the whole txting other online friends though that I would be a bit concerned about like wildchild said if you are in a relationship your in it not skirting around the edges of it.

mooseknuckler

As for your questions:

We do spend quite a bit of time together and I know that she wants/needs more alone time... I actually talked to her about this today. Basically she only goes out and does things when I'm gone to work, so I told her that she doesn't need to wait for me to be gone to go do things but I guess she feels bad if shes not including me... I guess part of that is because I'm new to this area and don't really have any friends of my own out here (I need to fix this). Hopefully she listens to what I had to say and she starts doing things on her own without me, I think she needs that. Sorry I forgot to mention that we are now living together, have been for a month now and for the most part its been great! I'm thinking now that its probably a space issue like you have suggested, because I do all those other things that you stated (buy flowers, give her massages and rub her feet or play in her hair while we cuddle and watch a movie... I kiss her and tell her that I love her all the time... etc) I'm kind of a sappy fool like that :P I love doing things that make her feel good... She has mentioned that shes not use to being treated like that at all so maybe its a bit overwhelming? Maybe I should tone it down a bit? Hmmmm.

She has also mention again today that the pill messes up her head and her hormones, she said she is going to get off of it because she doesn't feel like herself... Does that make sense?

Well thanks for the info ladies I appreciate it... I would like to think I am pretty confident for the most part but this internet stuff just kills me, its very hard to deal with. Its definitely going to be a learning curve for me. I really did trust her before but since this thing happened she lost some of that trust... I really want her to gain it back so we can be like before, not just the sex but on the whole. We really are great together and I really do feel like shes the "one"... even this early in the relationship... its hard to explain but for the first time things just feel "right" you know?

Is there anything I missed?

Thanks again

blondie80

No I dont think you missed anything, sometimes when a girl isn't used to being treated right it takes a little time to sink in that there isnt a motive behind it because you look for it sometimes, may sound stupid but when you have been hurt enough it just happens, maybe just tone it down a little but dont stop she would be loving it but maybe a little overwhelming it just takes time for us to get used to it all!
Other than that I think you should be able to work it out, sometimes it takes a little while to find the right pill for you some dont work all that well with hormones and things like that and others take a little while for them to settle down and your body gets used to it eventually. So yes it does sound right but it does take time for your body to get used to it.

WildChild

She may be waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. A lot of men work really hard for a little while to get a women really drawn in emotionally and then pull back and all the affection, touching and caring stop.

caterpillar79

I had been in the pill before, and it messes up my entire being. Moody, emotional, no sex drive - reason why I was abused! Try to be more supportive emotionally. Lots of touch during the day, not necessarily suggesting you want sex, but touch can do a lot for that emotional connection. Find out what her primary love languages are: (language of) quality time, (language of) touch, (language of words) praise, (language of) gifts, (language of) service...this varies per individual. My first love language is quality time, next is touch...my SO and I discussed about it and we keep our love tanks in check. You should.

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