Thread: porn and effects on sex

I think a few posts in here made alot of sense to me, HD your lucky in a way I would pretty much describe our relationship the same I know stress for both of us has come to play and the fact that even after a year we still seem to lose our groove together but we had both came out of relationships from completely different ends of the spectrum so we are still finding our middle I guess.
We had a real big talk yesterday about what we need and how stressed we have been and everything he had to quit the job he was doing due to a disease in his back and has gone back to school to do another course, but there really isnt anything we can do in the meantime, I started to look for work to take the pressure off but havent found anything yet.
We both came out of relationships of 10 yrs + mine was basically with a sex addict I couldnt keep up it was on tap basically and he came out of a relationship where he did watch alot of porn and didnt have to have a sex drive because his partner just didnt want sex at all. So it is kind of hard for us still to find our middle.
In the whole time this has been happening I have never doubted that he loved me or how much I meant to him I just started to doubt if I was enough sexually and started to freak out I guess that something was wrong. It probably left me with more insecurities than i really needed.

Seems like every time the topic of porn comes up men think it's "fine and normal" to wank off to it, women see the obvious lower actual sex with them. That aside from the obvious emotional "cheat" of a partner getting themselves off mentally screwing some cyber bimbo.

Generally the same mentality as those who think strip clobs and lap dances are "harmless."

A lot of people have no emotional insight, depth, or respect (or worse).

My opinion if pretty simple. I'm it. You can do what you want, when you want.

So if you want to crank off to porn and get a bonder over strippers, feel free.

But I'm gone cause I can get laid with a lot of choices for real anytime, anywhere. Have no need or want to share, expect the same in return.

Any male comments about being "narrow", "old fashioned," "I have a problem" or "controlling" are BS excuses to do what you want. If you're the rare who both wants porn, fine.

But haven't seen anyone here (female) that it didn't become a problem once it started. The longer you put up with it the worse it gets.

My BF can do anything he wants, he isn't a prisoner. It's a CHOICE.

my hubby admits to it on occasion, all i ask is that he's honest with me about it BUT yes, it makes me feel insecure....his obsession is with big boobs and while I have a nice set for my age I know I don't compare with what he can find on the 'net. I'm honest with him about how I feel about it and he's honest with me when he slips up.

on the other side of the coin, I don't mind watching "instructionals"...lol as we are still newlyweds and have the added obstacle of 1) being older and on the heavy side and 2) his disability which limits things a bit.

Steph I agree alot with what you are saying here and I understand its more on the mental side that we all have a problem with it to a degree, as much as it has become socially acceptable it still messes alot with a womans mind and a womans sense of self and I think to a degree a womans sense of sexuality.
I enjoy porn myself like I had said before its easy and its lazy and sometimes watching it with your partner for me is a turn on, but when you ask a question and they lie then thats a problem for me, even if he had of said yeah I have been but I have been stressed and having a few problems or yeah I have been sneaking it in a bit I would of still been angry but I would of been more able to accept it.
I still am not happy we have had a few really big talks but its more been about why I was checking up on him or thinking he was watching it he still hasnt actually told me he was watching it which annoys me I think more than anything, why after you have been found out about it still lie about it whats the point?

Wow....just wow. This conversation provokes so many thoughts to me as a man. How to distill it down?
Demanding or expecting porn before or during sex is indeed selfish
Being distracted or diverted or unresponsive because of porn or masturbation is selfish and destructive.
Addiction to porn can ruin lives and marriages.

However- demanding that your BF give up porn because it upsets you is your issue. Sure talk it over, let your man know what the issue is, but his watching porn privately, so long as it doesn't take over his life, or intrude on your sex life, is his business. Most men I know look at (or in my case read- I find it far more stimulating) porn at some time without it taking over their life. I am 50 years old, have looked at porn occcasionally since I was a teen and still regularly tell my wife I like her body just the way it is. I don't expect her to have a porn body.

If you are getting the sex that you want and need, and he is not flaunting his porn to you(in other words trying to make you feel inadquate), then his interest in porn is really a privacy issue. Can you respect his privacy?

Tell us what you really think Steph!! Anything in excess is bad, no one argues that. But your demands will ensure that your man will lie and hide it from you, no doubt. You've basically said that he cannot masturbate or even think about another woman besides yourself. Your also saying you'll be available to him, anytime, any place, for an reason....Really?

I'm not sure why, when you tell your husband that you don't like him to watch porn or masturbate without you, you expect him to openly admit to doing it. It's called self preservation. No, lying to you is not a good thing. But, you've created a situation where he either has to deny himself the ability to pleasure himself, however he wishes (which happens to be totally healthy and natural) or lie to you about it in an effort to keep the peace and not hurt your feelings..... what a double standard.... He can only pleasure himself when and where and only how you think is OK?....What about how HE feels? He's not some freak of nature, what he is doing is completely normal... If you want the right to be able to draw a nice hot bath and masturbate to your favorite fantasy man, you have to allow him the same right....

Blondie, I think your picking a fight here with your man. You have every right to feel insecure about him watching porn, no one can tell you how to feel. But, you have to be realistic with your expectations. You can't get mad at him for not openly admitting to doing something that you've already told him you are going to be upset about, without first telling him that you've been sneaking around to see if he's been doing it....That's not fair...

If you want to get past this with him.... You have to admit to him that you've been checking up on him and that you know he's beeg doing it behind your back more often than he admits too....Then drop it and move past it... Tell him you don't like it and why? Tell him how you feel like he only wants sex after watching porn. Tell him how insecure it makes you feel... Then agree to move forward. If he cares about you and the relationship, he's going to either stop doing it (which I think would be fundamentaly wrong) or be more sensitive about how he goes about it, when he does it and how he lets it affect your relationship/sex life. You can't keep obsessing about it, you have to give him a chance to change his ways...

I might feel insecure if my wife ONLY wanted me after she's been pounding herself with her favorite sex toy while watching a porno full of guys with big Johnsons...OR, I might be turned on by the fact that it only made her want me more!!! Frankly, I'd be super turned on to come home and find that she's been doing herself and wanted to jump my bones...but that's just me!!!! {Fantasy Time.....honey, I've got an idea!!!!}

I think you can make this into a real problem area in your relationship, but why? It's good time to strengthen those communication skills and learn a little more about one another....but you have to be civil and try to put yourself in his shoes and explain to him what it's like in yours...

Good Luck!!

Mr Pleazr I told him that I had checked but still he denied looking and I still couldn't explain why I think that si what got me. Basically yeah your right I was probably trying to pick a fight with him, I haven't braught this up again and I haven't looked. I was feeling really self conscious as of other things going wrong for us sexually and I was doubting myself so I guess I went looking for something wrong.
We talk alot we are great at talking but he still wouldnt let me bring this one up, so even after I braught it up I was left hanging, I guess I more came on here to vent about it because it still wasnt on the list of things we could talk about, he seemed to think I should of just been happy to of had good sex twice in a just over a week and be done with it, that made me angry again because normally we have good sex at least 4 times a week and i was starting to feel insecure I guess.
Oh well im moving on and getting over it no point dwelling.

I think your better off by not dwelling on it. It seems to me, when you boil it all down, that he cares about your feelings. I think it's great that you have pretty good communications. I read so many threads on here where communication simply does not exist at all.

Good Luck to you Blondie, if this is your worst problem, you are very lucky....