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Thread: Open marriage

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array reesecup's Avatar
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    Question Open marriage


    My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Over the years, we have done several things to spice it up a little....including pornography (i think I am addicted to it more than he is), and introducing outside people to our marriage. We have had meange a trois and just recently both have had extramarial affairs; only the key is, we know about them. We know the time, place and vivid details of what goes on in the bedroom (now don't get me wrong ladies, I know that he is probably withholding information from me, just as I have withheld info from him). But the key to this is communication. We each have to ask permission prior to committing the act.

    I do these things not because I don't love my husband, but I think because I am bored with our sex life. Now don't get me wrong, the sex is GOOD but I am the type of person that gets turned on by DIFFERENT (for example, I get off watching gay men porno's). I don't necessarily remember who introduced this type of lifestyle into our marriage, but at times, I do get jealous and I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am a freak and maybe that is why I continue on with it, but then I know that this can't be good for our marriage and sometimes think about leaving him. But he is an excellent father and husband, we just have our closet freakness. I guess I don't know what question to ask. I just wanted some advice from strangers...because you definetly can't tell your close friends this stuff....

  2. #2
    Junior Member Array WillowRaven's Avatar
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    Red face It's ok...

    Hello there,
    I am a newly wed to my 3rd husband. Now I am only 24 and I have made my mistakes I know but I feel some of what I say may help. Now, I am a different kind of person than you in the respect I am overly jealous when it comes to other people and my man. I couldn't take it if he was with anyone else and I get frustrated when he jacks off instead of making love to me but yet I hide the fact that I masterbate when no one is home to dp porn on the internet. I like the unusual too and the creepy sometimes. so your not a freak your just unique and your not alone. I would say that if you have kids and he's a good man then you should be absolutly sure about everything before you leave your husband. About the open marriage...if you only have the feeling that you don't like him with other people sometimes and not all the time, I would lok at why you feel that way and when is it that your feeling that way. Is it at times in your life that you need extra attention from him? Could it be that your tired of the game? Or is it simply what it is and nothing more? These are all questions I would ask myself If I were in your position. It seems you like to be with more than one person and you dont pull the double standard on him when he wants it and that is amazing! I commend you for still haveing a good marriage and being able to do what you do. Not many out there could handle that. If you have any other questions or wish to discuss this more please feel free to note me or email me. I hope I could help some. Blessed be and have a great weekend.

  3. #3
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    Default

    there are all kinds of discussion groups online about polyamory, so don't worry, lots of people do this. it's not freaky.

    good for you for having the kind of honest and free relationship where you can negotiate unfamiliar situations like this, deal with jealousy, and still maintain a relatively stable, loving, secure relationship. I have come to believe that having the space to lead independent lives is the key element that can keep people interested in one another long-term. this doesn't always mean having sex with other people, but sometimes it does.

    One rule that most polyamorous couples live by is to only have one primary relationship at a time - one husband, wife, or serious partner. Other relationships are kept secondary, which means different things to different people, but it speaks to the level of comfort and commitment you feel with your primary partner.

    Anyway, I hope that this has been helpful in some way.

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array BroncosMom's Avatar
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    I'm in an open relationship. My husband and I are going on 7 years of marriage and there was just something dying from our marriage and we couldn't figure out how to fix it so through some discussions this is what we came up with and it has worked great. He views it more as going to the strip clubs and going out with his buddies without the wife calling and asking him what time he's going to be home. When he leaves the house he's a single man so to speak. I have a boyfriend that I spend my time with when I go out and my husband knows every aspect of the relationship with my boyfriend and so I get from my boyfriend what I don't get from my husband and it works well for us. Don't get me wrong it's not all roses it is hard and it's emotionally draining at some points as well. You just have to make sure that your relationship is strong enough to handle it as it is a demise to a lot of relationships and you have to make sure your relationship can handle how open you must be with each other and honest as well. Good luck with your adventure

    Julie

  5. #5
    Junior Member Array reesecup's Avatar
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    Thanks BroncosMom.....at least knowing there is another fool out there like me is comforting

    I am just like you, I don't want to have mulitple partners, my husband is the exact opposite. I guess he sees it as an opportunity to be single again. What made me jealous was the fact that he was on chatlines, talking to women at his job and I'm like, you can't have everyone knowing that you are out there like that....have respect for my privacy!

    I don't know if this is really helping our relationship or hindering it. I have come more accustomed to how my guy kisses then how my husband kisses; me and my husband haven't grown any closer, it just seems like we are roomates with children and have sex.

  6. #6
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    Default I am saddened

    Quickly reading these posts has made me realize how many people there are who have a void inside and do not care enough about their marriage/spouse to work hard and figure out how to correctly fill that void. My advice to you would be that the relationships on the side are only destroying your marriage and destroying you as a person, making you lose faith and hope in the idea of Love. Which really does exist, you have just taken the wrong turns and need to find your way back to the place where you truly believed it existed. If you are not a person who likes routine, and many are, then try different things, but with your spouse! There is something so precious in the marriage relationship, a becoming of one that is not possible when others are allowed to be a part of it. It is possible to be with only one person. It is made possible through love, forgiveness, patience and mercy.

  7. #7
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    No there are some of us who do care about our marriage and have tried for so many years to keep it alive.after awhile u just cant do it anymore . Can't blame it all on us wifes who seek love from someone else. Cause there is a hubby in volved here. And if he's cold for so long then a marriage will not work out it will just keep dragin the wife down .
    She has the right to get happy emotional and sexual . And if it takes finding a lover to be there then so be it ..

  8. #8
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    I totally agree with "1Lwife's" reply. It IS so sad that couple's have resorted to this rather than work on their marriage. Sure it takes a lot of work sometimes-I've been married 10 years, and there have been some rough times, but you both have to work at it one day at a time. Remember why you even married each other. And I'm really sad there's kids involved-if they only knew what mom and dad were doing-what kind of example is that to them? Will they ever know what true marriage is all about? How special it is? The commitment that's involved? That's why you get married-to committ to eachother for the rest of your lives. Why did you get married if you're not willing to do that? I think this "extra partner" stuff is crap and is a cop-out. I think too many people are caught up in all the kinky porno stuff that they lose sight of what's real. It destroys marriages, and from what I've read, it causes some heartache that you could totally avoid if you would stop living that kind of lifestyle. Just be happy with your husband-devote yourselves to eachother again, find ways to enrich your marriage. Do fun things together-go on little trips together. Keep your family together! Find that love you had when you were first married. Respect your children, and stop acting like sex maniacs! Sure we all have desires and fantasies, but find ways to fulfill those INSIDE your marriage, not involving other people. It just almost makes me sick that people are living like this! I don't know how you could be truly happy. I'm not an expert here obviously, there's a lot I don't know, but I do know that true happiness comes when a married couple are comitted to eachother, and when you are comitted to your children, and find the love that's there. Think about what's really important in life-what means the most to you? Your family, or having lustful sex with some "partner"? Talk about this with your husband-it may be time for a change-for the sake of your family. Sorry if I've offended anyone-this is just my opinion. I hate to see marriages ruined and stupid things get in the way of wonderful relationships. Have some self control-moderation in all things-self discipline.

  9. #9
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    Default open marriage

    Wow. That was a lot said. Seems like you needed to get it off your chest. If you want you marriage to last you both need to stop this "open marriage". Everytime you or he sleeps with someone else you are adding a spiritual soul tie to your marriage. This means you will increase the lust you have by adding on whatever "different" lusts the people you sleep with have. This is a very hard thing to break. You both need to decide if you want a "real" marriage or not. Learn how to spice of your own bedroom.

    Quote Originally Posted by reesecup View Post
    My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Over the years, we have done several things to spice it up a little....including pornography (i think I am addicted to it more than he is), and introducing outside people to our marriage. We have had meange a trois and just recently both have had extramarial affairs; only the key is, we know about them. We know the time, place and vivid details of what goes on in the bedroom (now don't get me wrong ladies, I know that he is probably withholding information from me, just as I have withheld info from him). But the key to this is communication. We each have to ask permission prior to committing the act.

    I do these things not because I don't love my husband, but I think because I am bored with our sex life. Now don't get me wrong, the sex is GOOD but I am the type of person that gets turned on by DIFFERENT (for example, I get off watching gay men porno's). I don't necessarily remember who introduced this type of lifestyle into our marriage, but at times, I do get jealous and I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am a freak and maybe that is why I continue on with it, but then I know that this can't be good for our marriage and sometimes think about leaving him. But he is an excellent father and husband, we just have our closet freakness. I guess I don't know what question to ask. I just wanted some advice from strangers...because you definetly can't tell your close friends this stuff....

  10. #10
    Junior Member Array reesecup's Avatar
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    Default

    Let me first say that to all those that have responded, thank you. I appreciate all comments and understand the negativity that has been presented. But let me say this. In no way do we show our kids a bad example in a marriage. Neither myself or my husband argue around our kids, we show emotion, we play together and pray together as a family.

    I will go on to say, however, that we are not perfect and there are some things that have gone on in our marriage (outside of the open marriage) that have changed my feelings and changed the dynamics of how I feel about him. I am a good wife, he is a good husband. It is just possible that we are not good for each other. We have tried counseling, sexual escapades, have went on trips and even tried have dates once a month. Yes, I will agree that we (or me) enjoys sex and yes, watching pornos may have contributed to the idea. And yes, I do agree that sex is an emotional bond that is meant to be shared between husband and wife. Forgive me if it seemed that I was "out there" giving myself freely to anyone...not the case. I have been committed to the person that I am with now for a year. I am happy, I laugh with him, we talk, we share and we have only had sex 5 times since we have been together, so it is not about sex, it is about a bond that I no longer have with my husband. Would it be easier to get a divorce? Maybe, but I do have kids involved and I/we would rather put up a facade then disrupt our kids at this point in their lives.

    I don't condone what I am doing and know that I am wrong. But please don't judge me or condemn when we all are committing some type of sin. I have just been woman enough to "man" up to it.

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