oral sex phobia :(

**sarah1234** · 07-18-2009 07:22 AM

I am independent, confident and happy but as soon as it comes to intimacy in a relationship I feel completely incompetent. My first ever sexual experience went badly to say the least. Everyone says that first times are awkward but my boyfriend had clearly watched too much porn/was nervous about pregnancy despite the fact I was on the pill and decided he would go for a porn style ending which involved my gagging on a combination of semen and my own blood. It was a horrible experience and I now feel physically repulsed by even the smell of semen from a distance. Since then I had a second serious long term boyfriend. But because of that experience I was nervous and shy and never really gave him oral sex or hand jobs, only on occasion, or as a short build up to sex. Because I felt so nervous/incompetent I would always rush foreplay because I didn’t want to be taking more than I was giving. I meant to get over this and to just deal with it and do it so it wouldn’t be an issue. But I have just started seeing an older guy who is more experienced and I am doing the same thing... I rush all foreplay and just move on straight to sex which I enjoy and feel comfortable with. And worst of all he has noticed and mentioned lightly that he thinks that I am “afraid of his penis” or that “I think it only has one place”. I feel stupid that I have let it become an issue again and even worse that he has noticed. It just makes me feel so incompetent and by leaving it so long i have let it build into a big thing for me. Any advice would be appreciated

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-18-2009 09:47 AM

Becoming free from prior bad experiences is different for everyone. Lucky thing our minds are strong and we can think about anything in any light we choose to do so.

Do you love this guy? Does he make you feel safe and secure? Make you feel good? If so you are off to a good start in being more comfortable to explore and see things differently.

Oral sex is important to a lot of guys, and obviously important to a lot of women as well. It's kind of a selfless act in most cases, its the one time you are (or they are) giving pleasure just to give it, whether as a precursor for sex or as the main event.

I think rushing through those things is selling yourself short as well as your boyfriend. The smell of semen isn't going to change though it probably varies from guy to guy and day to day depending on their body composition / diet. (My boyfriends doesn't really have a scent to me) the only thing of signficance that can change is how you view it.

Your first, did not do right by you expecting such craziness with someone doing that for the first time. Those kinds of acts take trust and making sure the other person is as into the idea as they are.

But this boyfriend you are with now, doesn't sound like he is forcing acts on you.... more so wanting to experience more with you (Count your lucky stars!!! A lot of women on this very board complain of their significant other not wanting to take the time to be intimate and just rushing through).

Sex is a time to bond, to feel close to one another and express your desires. Hopefully you can get yourself to a point that its not about taste or smells you disklike .. its about feeling and focusing on sensation and touch with so much positive energy that all the scents and tastes of sex and orgasms begin to weave their way into being something you enjoy as well.

**Na-Na** · 07-18-2009 11:45 AM

It sounds cliche, but I'd say talk to him. Explain. And take it slow. Precum can't really be helped during a bj, but you don't have to take in the entire load. I personally can't finish a blowjob because of a joint issue that causes my jaws to lock up. My bf and I discussed this and now we stop when my mouth gets tired and either I watch him finish it off, or I give him a hand job. Take things slow. Watching a guy masturbate can be a sexy experience for both of you. Try starting there and working your way up. Let him finish on your stomach or chest. Keep a towel close to hand to quickly wipe it off in case it makes you feel ill. It's an alternative, if you can never bring yourself to finishing the job.

**Tina Lee** · 07-18-2009 11:46 AM

Have you explained to your current bf that you've had bad experiences in the past?

Then if your're feeling safe, and loved with this bf, just try to view it differently. Instead of thinking of the past, try to focus on your new bf. Look him in the eyes, think of something that he's done to make you feel special.

Just changing your mind is not an easy thing to do, but it takes time, and practice to change your focus..

Also, if the past was tramatizing for you, perhaps a counselor may help in dealing with those feelings. Otherwise, I'd suggest focus on him, instead of the past..

Good Luck..

**WildChild** · 07-18-2009 11:43 PM

You can work into this gradually. You need to do so within a relationship of trust. You do need to talk about your earlier experience and have some ground rules - he is not to touch your head aside from gently stroking your hair or something like that, he is not to thrust or grab at any part of you. Actually it would be best if he were to simply lay passively and let you be completely in control. Since scent was part of your negative experience have him bathe or shower first.

Start with just looking at his body. Explore every part of it visually and by touching with your hands. Then start exploring by kissing or licking as you please, the first time you don't have to go to his penis or balls unless you want to. It may take you a few times to get comfortable with it but work toward finding enjoyment in exploring all of his body. Talk to him and ask questions as you do, find out what he likes and doesn't. All this will help you get a better sense of how his body works and responds. When you are comfortable with it you could start from his belly to his thighs. Kissing and licking his inner thighs and then his balls. This is a very tender, sensitive area. Try taking one in your mouth and gently sucking and swallowing. All you'll be swallowing is your own spit but that action seems to really do something for men. Lick his taint (the area between anus and scrotum). Spend as much time as you want. Then lick his penis, don't take it in your mouth, just lick and kiss. Lick up one side and down the other, go round and round, flick your tongue around the underside of the head. Just play with his penis with your tongue. Remember he isn't allowed to try to guide you or grab at you. You stay in control and can stop when ever you want.

I think you'll find this can be fun. Once you start to build a series of experiences that are positive and he shows you that you can trust him not to force or push. you will start to relax and enjoy this more and more. Then you can just see how your comfort level adjusts.

**ItsASecret** · 07-19-2009 06:55 PM

Start with just looking at his body. Explore every part of it visually and by touching with your hands. Then start exploring by kissing or licking as you please, the first time you don't have to go to his penis or balls unless you want to. It may take you a few times to get comfortable with it but work toward finding enjoyment in exploring all of his body. Talk to him and ask questions as you do, find out what he likes and doesn't. All this will help you get a better sense of how his body works and responds. When you are comfortable with it you could start from his belly to his thighs. Kissing and licking his inner thighs and then his balls. This is a very tender, sensitive area. Try taking one in your mouth and gently sucking and swallowing. All you'll be swallowing is your own spit but that action seems to really do something for men. Lick his taint (the area between anus and scrotum). Spend as much time as you want. Then lick his penis, don't take it in your mouth, just lick and kiss. Lick up one side and down the other, go round and round, flick your tongue around the underside of the head. Just play with his penis with your tongue. Remember he isn't allowed to try to guide you or grab at you. You stay in control and can stop when ever you want.

What else can be done if neither person is interested or even remotely curious in taint or ball action? I guess just paying attention to the thighs?...wouldn't that become boring after awhile?-being able to predict that there will be 3 different variations in kiss/lick/suck pressures (variations meaning light, medium, and hard).

**WildChild** · 07-19-2009 10:05 PM

You can add your hands into it ask him what works for him. The man in my life enjoys it if I give him a nice long massage and he is relaxed, laying on his belly and I lick and suck his balls and penis. He seems content to let than go on for quite a while.

**Sandra_does** · 07-20-2009 05:27 AM

Yours is not an uncommon delemma, Sarah, so do not panic, it's not the end of your sex life, I assure you...

Nor, do you need a doctor or a pill for cure...

Sex for love and sex for pleasure are the natural expectations within a loving relationship. It appears your choice for an older gentleman was a wise choice as older gentlemen of experience tend to have more compassion and understanding than the wild studs of maucho-land do...

My suggestion is that you mentally draw a line on your past situations and have a positive outlook to start all over again. You can't forget the past, I know, but you can definitely set a time to create a turning point for a new beginning...

But how...??? Well, first your gentleman friend must have full disclosure of your past poor results and the trauma that has overcome you as result. Ask him to help you with a new beginning and a new understanding of what pleases him with the only difference being that you alone are in control of your actions. With help from others here supporting you, only you will dictate the situation so that you maintain control...

Sex for pleasure is more of giving than receiving, Sarah, remember that, and your expectations must be that the gentleman is as prepared as you are. During your confession discussion, make him aware that his own diet and hygiene care can create a distasteful odour and taste. Make him aware that consuming dairy fat products, fish products and garlic spices one or two days prior to ejaculation will produce a foul odour as well as a foul taste of both precum and semen ejaculation. Furthermore, tell him you want to savour his favourite aftershave cologne in his pubic hair...

The scene...??? Well, before I get wet again from what others have said, I will relinquish detail...lol I would only suggest that your first new experiment would be to just take the head into your mouth and attack it with everything you can muster in thoughts...tease, chew, munch and crunch, so to speak, and alternate that with some hand action...fast and slow paces until you know he is ready to pop. When that time comes, withdraw his penis from your mouth and aim it right on his own chest or just straight up... Then, build up his ego by telling him how much a man he is...

Finally, for other times and experiences to follow, Sarah, take a little more into your mouth until the time you become confident for wanting to accept his load. Just do not allow his head deep into your throat while ejaculating as that takes a lot of experience and can even be a danger to you...

While sharing this bj / hj, Sarah, lubricate a finger real well and do an anal insertion when he is about to pop and you will have him over the edge with satisfation, I assure you...

The important thing for a successful restart, Sarah, is that you dictate the rules while also going a little further during each experience..."you" must be in control and a real gentleman appreciates a girl that knows what she is doing, count on that...!

Damm, why does it have to be so hard and take so long to train our men...???

Go gal, enjoy and savour as the next step is training him to please you...!!!

Good luck,

Sandra...

**Sandra_does** · 07-20-2009 05:34 AM

Post script...

A late thought, but a good one...!

Sarah, after his ejaculation...scoop a little of that semen on your finger and place it on your lips...then place some on his lips as well. Then share a flavourful kiss...!

mmmmm...yummy...now I am...????????

Sandra...

**justin** · 07-20-2009 01:36 PM

I read most of this post and I love the honesty! So I'm wondering if you all can give a guy some advice.
I know what your thinking "Ah another guy that wants more oral sex". Well, honestly yes and no!
At this point my girlfriend really doesn't want oral sex. I think I'm pretty good at it at least I was with my past relationships. They seemed to have really enjoy it. Please don't take this wrong, I don't see myself as Gods gift. Honestly it's not to difficult, start gently and just pay attention to what they like.
Historically, we have had what I considered a small issue. Often times after sex she'll spot a little bit. White sheets etc. I don't think of it as a big deal at the time.. She showered and I changed the sheets in attempt to put the whole thing behind us. Well as I write this I'm realizing that could be it!! Well now, she doesn't want anything to do with for-play in general, just wants to get right to the intercourse. (doesn't want me down there)
In conjunction with that is the fact that, we are really not intimate very much anymore.
This lack of sexual activity is not good for either of us, I can feel the difference. After sex we are really close, less stressed, and we're just on the same wave length.
Any suggestions for me.

I'm starting to think we may not be compatible

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