needadvice2

My boyfriend just dropped on me yesterday that he is bi. As of yesterday he shared with me that he has been with a man on 3 occasions over the course of 20 years. The last time was just 2 months prior to he and I meeting with a married man that he knows. He tells me that it is not something that he has to do but that he enjoys it. My concern is that I am not OK with anything outside our relationship. I'm very open and OK with exploring within the bounds of monogamy. I have stated this to him previously; yet, the subject comes up in the throws of passion when we are talking dirty to each other. I'm insecure about not being able to satisfy him and that he'll want to be with men in the future. I'm also not comfortable asking him to be something that (I feel) he isn't, a monogamous heterosexual. I have tried to be open-minded and he has asked me if I'd share (a man) with him but I simply cannot. I thought on this for a day and the anxiety of the immorality made me sick to my stomach. <--Not because of the bi/homosexuality but because of the non-monogamous relationship. I explained to him in the beginning of our relationship that I will be as freaky as he needs me to be but only between he and I -- monogamy is extremely important to me because intimacy is important to me and I feel is the bond. I attach much emotion to sex and he is aware of that.
My question is, do we need to break up? He says that he is not asking me to do anything ;yet, he has danced around this numerous times before finally admitting his previous experiences. I feel I am asking him to do something against his nature and that he needs to have a male/male experience sometimes that I am not comfortable with. I simply cannot share.
I love him and do not want him to be something he isn't. I want him to be happy. I'm not sure there is much of a future for us now. He doesn't seem to appreciate my feelings at all and is quite insensitive to what he's jsut unloaded on me - my concern for safety, insecurity, irritation that he has hidden this until now, etc. We are conservative Christians; this really shocked me! When I stated that I am simply more conservative than he and that I wasn't comfortable sharing, he became quite defensive telling me that I am making it out like he is bad or a monster because I said I am more conservative. Lately, it seems as though he is just trying to push me away. Can he be self-destructing our relationship?

CHANDLERS WISH

I think he took that as a sign that you would "accept"..

Now he is being "angry" that "his thoughts were wrong"..

What a great girl you are for understanding.

But, if he can't "get" what you said originally, and he's not "getting" what your saying now? then he's not getting it.

Be careful, he's acting like the perfect case of " rebelling" and so you don't want any STI's, STD's, etc, etc,...

CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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needadvice2

Thanks - I'm certain he got it because our discussion in the beginning was very intense about what I would and wouldn't do. I was very clear and again, thought about it for a day (but not sick over it - no pressure then) and told him that I cannot have a non-monogamous relationship. I have fantasies that I will talk all about with him - but that it is just talk because it turns us both on so much. We agreed to leave it at that - now 4 months later, this! I am concerned of STDs also. He insists that condoms were used - he uses them with me but he prefers to perform oral in his bi experiences and I haven't seen any dental dams - nor do I think he enjoys the taste of latex. Also, he has admitted to me that his last encounter, he met online - a closeted, married man. I am greatly concerned of STDs and am angry that he has exposed me to this and led me down the road this far. I can forgive him but am unsure if I can trust him.. He told me part of the turn on was the anonymity of it all and that it is just sex - no emotion attached.
I am experienced enough to know that he in not likely to give up his desires - just as I am not. He has volunteered that he will but it is me who is not comfortable asking that of him. It just doesn't seem right to ask someone to stop being who they are. I compared it to asking him to not play golf or tennis or give up running - things he does at least 3X a week. I love him for him but I was not aware of his lifestyle and I cannot live it. He says he can let it go and has gone years without but I'm insecure about it all and am untrusting since he's been less than forthcoming up to this point. He's admitted too a degree of self-destruction which fits patterns in his past - that he acts out sexually. This leaves me wondering about our future and how he will handle various stressors that arise in life. I understand I cannot predict the future. He asked me to guarantee that I'd never cheat. I have in my past. I told him that I think of our relationship as different than my past relationships where the first time - was very immature (we were still in high school) and the guy cried every time I tried to break it off with him telling him I loved him but felt I needed to see other people. (Long story, but I married my high school boyfriend. He was the only man I was with until I was 21. Needless to say, it ended.) The second time, was with my now ex-husband who became extremely verbally, mentally, physically and sexually abusive and I was afraid. (I spent years in counseling and got out!)
I'd like to think our relationship is different. We don't yell and swear at each other. We have discussions and I am comfortable being honest with him. I'd like to think that I can talk to him and tell him if I feel I need out or need space or need to re-negotiate the terms of our relationship. He became quite jealous when I admitted that I know from my past that I have cheated when I was feeling insecure and someone was offering me attention. We have discussed this previously.
As I have stated, he has a pattern of acting out sexually rather destructively (or so it has proven to be in his life) during periods of great stress. He refuses counseling. I hate to leave him. We were discussing marriage, children and looking at houses (not seriously - just entertaining the thoughts and acknowleging where we saw our relationship going). We are/were very happy and quite in love. I've been reading much on here. I'm trying to accept and be open that he may have another lover but told him that I'd have to know him also but the idea of an open relationship is extremely uncomfortable to me. Can I get over my hang ups? Can he get over the desire for anonymous gay sex? I am not comfortable with anonymity AT ALL. I worked in healthcare and am all too educated about STDs and the alarming per capita statistics of transmission in my are. Should I just run because of his history of acting out? He has behaved inappropraitely in his past during his divorce which caused a complication in his life once before and he has admitted to me that his other 3 encounters were all during periods of great stress when he has no partner and no sexual release so to speak. & the question in my head is that he chooses a man -- which leads me to think that he prefers men? Can he be stifling his true desires/needs/wants? This is so against what he and I have been taught as fundamental Christians yet we are both open. I want to help him and love him. He hasn't told anyone else but me. I love him and want him to be happy - even if that means he & I are not together. I can handle heartbreak - been there, done that. What I want is a real, true love where we can share and be open, honest and loving. He is my best friend.

Hopeless Dork

Bi is not a pass for infidelity. Some straight men may like blondes and brunettes... start dating a brunette and become serious and still occasionally desire a blonde (exchange the hair color example for a certain height, weight, breast size, complexion, etc) they generally don't say 'but honey I also fantasize about blondes, therefore I should be allowed to go and be with one now and then.

I don't know why some people thinking being attracted to two sexes somehow means they need to have both in their life in order to be fulfilled. If they are a non-monogomous person (straight or bi or gay) they won't be satisfied with one partner. A monogomous person of any sexuality puts their energy into their partner with occasional fantasies for the other stuff they desire that the person they are with might not posess.

One person is just that, and when someone gets into a relationship they have to be realistic that they are choosing that one person - forsaking all other forms of cake-eating and just enjoying their cake.

I don't think he , unless he has expressed to you differently, is in any higher risk category for cheating than any straight guy but I do understand your concern. Most women want to have all the main componants of what their S.O desires. If your guy was a big breast guy and you had small breasts, the insecurity would be there that one day he might need to act out being with a large breasted woman, etc.

If he is telling you he loves you, acting like he loves you and you feel loved... I wouldn't break it off just yet. For his fantasy of being with you and another man... maybe you guys can get a bi mfm threesome adult video or something and watch it together and fantasize about it with each other in a way that makes you feel safe.

Just let him know how important his being faithful is to you, and that if at any point he thinks he wants to be with a man and can't supress that desire that he let you know... then you will be forced with the decision of being able to stick this out with him or not.

__________________
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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

WildChild

What a great point HD! This is so true.