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Thread: Having trouble 'getting it up'

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Loafer's Avatar
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    Default Having trouble 'getting it up'


    (WARNING: This is a long post..)
    Hello again

    Ok so I've got a little problem, ok well in my eyes its a HUGE problem. But to my girlfriend she doesnt seem to mind, but just.. as a 16 year old teenager, its not the best thing to be going through.

    I'll give a little insight into me first.. as it might help.. So my current girlfriend is the first girl I've done anything sexual with.. She's my first but.. I'm not her first.. anyway.. first time we tried to have sex was vaneltines night.. I thought it would be a great time to loose my virginity with a girl I love. So when it came to it, I undressed her, and started pleasuring her, it was my first time so.. at the same time I was trying to learn how to play with her.. But I wasnt too bad. Eventully she went down on me, and I really wanted it to go well but I just COULDN'T get it up, it was so embarrasing for me, but she kept telling me not to worry about it. I was so nervous the whole night.. and we ended up not having sex..

    We kept trying obviously.. and I got more comfortable with getting a hard on when she was going down on me.. But when it came to sex.. Everything went down hill.. big time.. Nearly as soon as the condom touched my I lost my hardon.. So we could never really have sex.. only foreplay.

    Ok moving on a bit from that.. about.. a month ago, we were sitting naked watching a movie.. and I said to her, do you wanna try again? She said ofcourse, and she put the condom on this time.. And finially.. I lost my virginity, and I really did enjoy it.

    We have had sex since then.. BUT.. Now when we want to have sex.. as soon as my brain realises that I'm going to be having sex.. I suddenly get majorly nervous, and find it really hard to get a hard on.. I do eventully get it but I literally have to sit and rub myself until I think I'm ready.. Dont get me wrong I REALLY do wanna have sex.. I just get really nervous and I dont know why, and its been really depressing me latley. Infact ever since that valentines night its been depressing me..

    The loving I get from my girlfriend doesnt exactly help me either.. By this I mean sexual loving.. She hasnt done anything with me in nearly 2 months now, and before that, I only got a blowjob on a rare occasion. It's got to the stage where I have to actually ASK her to play with me.. But yet she still wont. I play with her all the time cause I think it makes her feel loved, also I guess im a pretty easy guy.. But nethertheless, the amount of sexual favours we share to each other really isnt fair at the moment. Like I said she hasnt played with me in, 2 or more months now.

    When were going to have sex I would expect some foreplay to build up to it.. Yes there is foreplay, but the only foreplay is me pleasuring her.. But I get none and, I swear, I have to literally sit infront off her and try and get myself a hard on.. And that makes me nervous and really uncomfortable, maybe this is why I find it so hard to get myself up? I think I maybe play with her too much and shes using my.. easiness to her advantage or something?

    We talked last night about why she would never give me anything, and a long story short.. Basically when she see's that I want something, that puts her off giving me anything.. But its been over 2 months, how can I hold something like that in?!

    Infact to be honest, within 10 months I could count the amount of times shes went down on me using my fingers..

    Hopefully you's dont get the impression im just 'being a guy'.. By complaining that I'm not getting anything from my girlfriend.. But what I explained is pretty understandable I think..

    But anyway, do you think the lack of foreplay towards me is what causes my inability to comfortably get a hard on? Or please gimme an insight of what you think is going on with me.

    Thanks
    Loafer

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array Tina Lee's Avatar
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    Hey loafer,

    I can give you a girl's point of view on this. Hopefully some guys will post on here, and give more answers.

    First off, I would like to say that you're putting too much stress on yourself. You said that you get nervous, and that's when you cannot get a hard on. Stress & nerves will do that every time.

    Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable experience. I understand that this is new, and understandably you're going to have concerns, but generally you're going about this the wrong way.

    To get yourself more comfortable, you should take it slow. Pleasure her, and take your time. This is a getting to know each other time for both of you. Find out where she likes to be kissed, rubbed, etc..

    But then there also has to be time to pleasure you as well. This is a partnership, & if you don't feel like you're getting equal time, then you need to seriously sit her down, and ask her what's going on?

    She may know that you're really nervous, and may not want to make it worse for you. I don't know. But She needs to get some satisfaction from this partnership, and so do you. You both deserve it.

    So just communicate your needs, listen to hers, and take it slow. This is a wonderful experience of getting to know each other. Stop, & savour the moment! And relax...
    "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Loafer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tina Lee View Post
    To get yourself more comfortable, you should take it slow. Pleasure her, and take your time. This is a getting to know each other time for both of you. Find out where she likes to be kissed, rubbed, etc..
    Well.. you see, I know nearly everything about her.. I know what she likes, I know her G-spots, I know what makes her tick and I know how to treat her. I really have explored her alot, I play with her alot and I always show her sexual love.. (as well as passionate love)..

    So maybe the problem doesnt lie with us getting comfortable with each other, but, maybe with her getting comfortable with me? Or showing me a little bit more love in the bedroom?

    I dunno, would love to hear from some guys this sorta thing may have happened too.

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    ok, first off 99.9% of sex begins in the brain..seriously! If you are worried about whether she's going to want to perform then it's no wonder that you are having a bit of trouble in the arousal dept...making love is no fun when your partner is an immobile log.

    you need to get to the bottom of her unwillingness to reciprocate..perhaps she doesn't want to put undue stress on you OR perhaps her interest has waned. either way, you need to get to the bottom of it.

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array Loafer's Avatar
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    Well I'm trying to get around the nervous part..

    Little story: Back a few years ago I used to race ATV's.. (quad bikes).. and always at the starting line.. I would be so nervous, my whole body would be shaking, and my dad would always come up and tell me to breathe, and hed give me a shake and that always helped..

    Though its not like I can just stand up infront off my girlfriend and just start jumping about, trying to shake off the nervousness.. I try to breathe.. Or I'd try and think about sex or something that would get me arroused. But nothing works.. The other night when we had sex, I was in the nervous posistion again.. And I was trying to get myself a hard on but it wasnt really working, so I had to ask my girlfriend if she could give me a little bit off help.. She said.. "what do you want me to do?" in my mind I was thinking like.. Well, what else would you do in this kinda situation?

    But I said to her, well could you play with me or rub me or something please.. So she started rubbing me but.. There was no enthusiasm or anything, no real intamicy.. She literally just done it, with no expression.. no nothing, I remember looking to her and it looked to me like she rolled her eyes.. it was as if she was bored as rubbing me.. It really wasnt nice..

    But anyway.. Like I said, I talked to her about why she wouldnt do anything last night.. And she basically said it was because I was acting too desperate, and then that puts her off wanting to do anything to me..

    But, should I need to act desperate, should I need to ask her to do things? I mean I thought once your relationship hits a sexual stage, these things are ment to happen naturally, I shouldnt need to ask.. It's kinda common sense I think.. The only reason I'm having to ask her for things now is because off the lack off things I've been getting, anyone would be the same I think..

  6. #6
    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    Here is another perspective too. While not getting hard, for a guy is embarassing and all that - for a girl it can be crushing too. It feels like you are not sexy enough to turn the guy on (even if that isn't the case.

    Once in a while is something a girl handles ok but when a guy is consistantly having trouble with arrousal it can really injure a girls self esteem and may put her off trying to please you because she doesn't want to feel bad if unable to excite you.

    Its not ur fault or hers when erection problems happen but do comfort her do let her know how hot and desirable she is - and that it feels good when she touches you- hard on or not.

    This will take the pressure off both of you and when that's gone you will probably lose the problem.

    Also while you are pleasuring her keep staying in the moment - being turned on by what u r doing - her look and sounds , the feel of everything.

    Make a woman feel loved, wanted and desired and she will reward you beyond ur wildest dreams in most cases.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

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    VIP Member Array Loafer's Avatar
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    Yea I've actually tried to see it from that perspective.. I'm pretty sure the first time it happened, I could maybe understand that she maybe did feel like that..

    But during the whole time we've been dating, I always remind her of how beautiful she is to me, how sexy her body is, how much she means too me, and she knows how much it means too me when we get intimate. Infact we have actually had a few arguments because off her disagreeing with me when I tell her how good she looks or how sexy her body is.. honestly. I can't find one part off her body that honestly doesnt excite me, and she knows that..

    Though I'll ask her how she felt about the first time it happened and see if that caused a knock on effect with her trying to excite me in the future.. But I do doubt thats the reason.. I'm always the one who gets depressed after I can't get a hard on, she doesnt really seem to mind she just says not to worry about it.. Theres no signs of anything that would make her think its her fault.. But then again I havent always been known for being correct..

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Actions speak louder than words so telling her all this while you are having trouble may still leave her feeling like you don't really find her desirable. Do you wake up erect? Do you have any problem getting yourself off?

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    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    If she argues with you that she isn't beautiful... that is an indicator that she has some self esteem issues, so its not far off to think she may feel to blame for your lack of erections. Most women I know, myself included - internalize it when a man has trouble getting it up. We think hmm... I bet if I were hotter he'd have no problem getting hard, we think hmm... something about me is turning him off, we think hmm... he is not attracted to me.

    If you feel that way, and every time you try its such an effort to excite the guy, it can become HEARTBREAKING, and if you are a girl that is taking it the wrong way and can definitely hinder effort to keep trying... if every time you try you end up feeling not good enough.

    Do you have any arrousal at all with looking at her, touching her etc... or are you only getting erections with direct stimulation? If so, I'd back off masturbating before your encounters with your gf so that you are more excitable.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

  10. #10
    VIP Member Array Loafer's Avatar
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    I think yous are starting to miss the point a little.. Um..

    I can get a hard on nearly... ANY time off the day, when I kiss her, when we do oral, even if she puts her leg over my lap, I'll get a hard on.

    If we are watching a film naked, I'd have a hard on nearly the whole way throughout the movie.. She knows I have no problem getting it up, but what I'm saying is, as soon as we agree to have sex, as soon as my brain knows I'm going to be having sex.. THATS when I start getting nervous, and THATS when I start having trouble getting it up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork View Post
    If you feel that way, and every time you try its such an effort to excite the guy, it can become HEARTBREAKING
    The thing is.. She doesnt try to excite me, I have to excite myself..

    And yes she does have self esteem issues, with her body parts like.. legs.. But I mean, she knows I can get hard ons easily, especially when it comes to oral, she knows I wouldnt fail when it comes to oral play..

    But ok assuming she does have self esteem issues with foreplay? What am I ment to say to her that I havent all ready? When I talk to her about this, its not an argument.. Its just a typical talk you would have in a relationship, I try to keep it as calm as possible.. The funny thing is she agrees with me and says shell change, but she never does..

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