Thread: I don't want him anymore.

So I'm obviously new here and I hate doing that thing where I sign up and immediately post a whole huge thing about what's wrong in my life, but...I guess I'm going to do that anyway. This is going to be a long post. Sorry.

I'm a 26-year-old married mother of two. My husband is also 26. I love him very much, and he loves me, and we both love our kids. However, there is one big fat problem.

I never think about sex. Actually, I'll take that back. I always think about sex, but it's never in a positive light. When he goes longer than, say, 48 hours without sex or oral sex, he becomes really cold and miserable. Now, I know I bear most of the responsibility for this, because I think he can sense the rather dark secret I have been keeping from him all these years.

Ever since about a year into our relationship, I have lost all sexual feeling for him. Almost every time I initiate sex (which must be frequent in order for him to be satisfied) it is a complete and total act. Just about every time we have sex, I would rather be sleeping or knitting or doing anything else. It isn't that I don't find him attractive, because I think he's the sexiest man who ever lived. And it isn't that I don't enjoy sex, because I pretty much always have an orgasm. But my orgasms feel forced and desperate, like I have to squeeze one out so we can be done already. In fact, I cannot have an orgasm at all without fantasizing that I'm someone else, someone sexier and more confident than me. I think the fantasy is relevant here, because I usually fantasize that I am a woman so sexy and desirable that a man would cheat on his wife to be with me. I'm kind of ashamed of that fantasy, I suppose, but it's the only way I can get off anymore. I even use it on the few rare occasions that I masturbate (and I only masturbuate because I think I'm supposed to, not because I want to).

He is a very considerate lover, although I rarely give him any direction so sometimes he gets it wrong (or it gets boring). He says he wants me to tell him what I want, what feels good, but I can't, because all I can focus on is what I don't want, what doesn't feel good. And then once I've eliminated all those things, I find there isn't really anything left for him to do besides the same old-same old (rub clitoris, check for wetness, enter). So I go into my fantasy, and I know he can feel me slipping away from him, and I know it leaves him unsatisfied.

When we have a lot of sex, our relationship is great because he seems happy and I'm relieved that he seems happy. When we have less frequent sex, it's all either of us can think about - he's wanting it and making advances, but I'm turning him down because I simply cannot keep up that performance 100% of the time. Plus I'm filled with anxiety that one of these days, I'm going to refuse sex and he's going to flee. I think a lot of men would have fled a long time ago, but he has so far been a firm believer in sticking it out with me. He's just getting really tired of the same old thing happening.

And he has every right to, because this exact thing has been happening over and over again for six years. It would be a tremendous shame if sex was what made our marriage fail, because everything else in our relationship is absolutely swell. We're an excellent match intellectually and emotionally, but behind closed doors? Not working.

A few other things that might be relevant:

I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, although I prefer to call it Emotional Dysregulation Disorder because that's what it is.

My mother is a very sexually frigid woman, and I cannot get her out of my head no matter how hard I try. She worked very hard to be in my head all the time, and now I have difficulty getting rid of her.

Before my husband and I got together, I was very sexually active with one boring and inattentive lover, and he was sexually active with several partners in more creative and interesting ways.

Oh yeah, and he wants me to do anal, but I'm really really freaked out that I'm going to hate it and he's going to want it all the time and that will be yet another rift in our relationship. He does not believe this is a good enough reason to continually refuse it, and he's probably right.

So.

WTH?

so many things here that I dont know where to begin.

1. You feel unsexxy. Have you discovered why you feel that way? A man willing to do anything like yours isnt always easy to come by.

I would be happy if my wife forced an orgasm. She never has them. I only recently discovered rings and porn works for her. Problem is that she has to turn away from me (reverse ride) and watch the movie. It is because she is embarassed to orgasm. I have many years that I will need to work on this one.

2. Putting more pressure on yourself only makes matters worse.

3. 2 days and he gets grumpy? I have gone over a week without sex from my wife. I don't put any pressure on her.

Here is something to try. Since you want to please your man but not have to deal with the actual action. Have him touch himself while watching you strip. Learn to lap dance. Learn to be seductive.

4. Be someone else. Try roleplay. Get some costumes. If it works for you now, keep rolling with it.

Thanks for your reply Swiftus.

To take it point by point:

1) I DO feel sexy. I know I am. I dress nicely, I groom myself well. Men flirt with me, and my husband has told me I'm sexy - and I believe him. In fact, I basically feel pretty sexy most of the time, until it's time to actually have sex. That's the only time I feel inadequate.

2) I don't actually see any way to release the pressure. If I tell him how I feel about all this, he will always suspect that I'm "acting" with him, no matter what happens.

3) I don't know what that's about, but I do know that all men are different in what they're willing to take. I didn't think it was relevant before, but perhaps it is: I am the one who goes and works all day, and he is the one who stays at home and cleans the house and takes care of our two small children. Our car is a POS and he cannot go anywhere in the evenings, and we typically do not have enough money to go out and do stuff. So most days the ONLY human contact he has at all is with a 3 year old, a 5 year old, and me, his sexually inattentive wife. He is also an insomniac, and is often awake until 5:00 or later every morning. So that's A LOT of time to think about wanting sex and not being able to have it.

The sexy dance idea is not a bad one, and one I am willing to try, but it almost seems like a too-little too-late kind of thing. We're talking about six years of unsatisfactory sex to start getting over right now.

4) We've discussed roleplay before, and we're both open to it, but it hasn't really materialized. Now, I'm concerned that roleplay will only increase the problem. What I want is to be able to have good sex with my husband, where it's him and me making each other feel wanted. Roleplay at this point seems like it would only be an extension of the fantasy I want to move away from.

I do not mean to immediately knock down all of your points. They're very valid, and I really am willing to try almost anything.

Do you think it's possible that my lack of sexual attraction to my husband is actually just my own insecurities? If so, then trying to be more seductive would be a great idea. If not, then trying to be more seductive would just be avoiding the actual issue - whatever that issue may be.

Do you know why or what is making you feel inadequate when it comes to making love? You said you feel sexy, except when it's time to do the deed. Do you know why?

I only ask because I am in a similar (not quite the same) situation with my husband. One question comes to mind though. You said it started about a year after you were together? I'm just curious if it coincides with the birth of your first child? (Thats when my problem started - not wanting sex, no desire for it, etc.)

I've been doing some serious soul searching, trying to figure out my problem. And I know most of it IS my insecurities. It's just getting past them that I'm having a hard time doing. You have to try and get to the root of the problem, and start there. I have found that if I'm not happy with myself, how can I make my husband happy.

But even it is has been 6 years of an unhappy sex life, any step in the right direction can help. It sounds like you really want to make things work.
Have you tried changing things around a little? Like, do you always do it at night, before bed? Is that when things are initiated? I know that that became a problem for me, as when I was ready for bed, I was ready for sleep. I know it's harder when you have 2 kids. But changing things around can help too. Being more spontaneous helped me a little. Another thing I read about was a lot of women turn sex into a chore on the to do list. Which is the worst way to think about it.

If you know what turns you on, what really turns you on, and gets you going, share it with your husband.
I'm sorry I can't offer any better advice. Like I said, I'm trying to figure out myself out. But I hope it does work out for you.

I've read all this and you must be missing something.

You say that you're sexy, but then that you aren't. You say that you don't think about sex, but then you do. You say that you love your husband, but you don't want to have sex with him. Then you go on to blame your mother for being in your head.

Do you crave sexual gratification? It sounds as though you are a very sexual person, able to orgasm alone and with a partner. Do you know how ridiculously lucky you are?

Have you read the posts here about inattentive/cheating husbands who are fat and lazy and would rather watch porn and do nothing? About the women who try and try and try and can't have an orgasm at ALL, or can't lose weight, or make their husbands think, let alone say, that they are sexy?

I think you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and take a look at your life and all the positive. You are a luckier woman than most.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that these boards were only available to people who had certain types of problems.

Listen, I appreciate your response, and you are right. I do need to be more thankful for what I have. Trust me, I'm very happy that I can orgasm so frequently, and I'm very happy that I have an attentive husband. But you must believe that I am not merely brushing him off. I know it's very easy to assume that I am just being finicky, but I assure you I am not.

I love my husband, I do feel sexy, and I do think about sex. But again, I feel like I'm just playing a part in a stage production of my sex life. It's not real for me, I have to force it.

Clearly, there is something wrong with me - clearly I AM missing something if I CAN have physically satisfying sex and I still don't want to. Which is kind of one of the reasons I posted here to begin with.

This is all very confusing and I don't even know where to begin. There is NO GOOD REASON that I shouldn't want to have sex with my husband at every opportunity, and yet I don't. How do I fix that?

This forum is for everyone. DONT be defensive here. There are both men and women here trying to figure out what needs to be done to make women sexually happy.

People here are giving you decent suggestions and you are getting a tad mad at them (reading into what you are saying here)

-----

My wife almost never wants to have sex with me and she can relate to you. She gives in and pretends to enjoy it alot. Only recently we started incorporating more porn and toys and it seems to be helping. Im 31 and we do it maybe 3 times per week if I am lucky. I may get one blow job a month. My wife can almost never orgasm with me and that is because she is literally embarassed to be in that state.

How do you think I feel?

I know, I'm sorry. There may be too much at play here to fully extrapolate what my problem is. Maybe I just don't know what my problem is.

Thanks for your help, everyone.

see a shrink and read what you wrote in the 1st session

Notlookingback,
One thing I picked up on that no one here mentioned is that you said you are the one who works all day while he watches the kids.

I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, I was just wondering if maybe you feel resentful towards him and would rather be home with the kids while he's working?
And you're probably tired and don't want to be bothered with sex.
Also sounds like you mom might have made you feel guilty in some way about wanting sex.
I could be wrong on all points but that is what I gather from your first post.
There is nothing wrong with what you posted.
Everyone has problems to varying degrees.
If it is bothering you, then it is a problem.
It must be bothering you quite a bit, otherwise you wouldn't have reached out for help on this messageboard.
Maybe your contradictions are just a way for you to not be able to admit to yourself how you really feel.
Maybe it is just a defense mechanisim.
Hope you figure things out so you can feel better.