lazy in bed

**snapshot** · 07-31-2009 02:52 PM

alright, to give you some background, my wife and I are both 31, married 11 years and have two boys, ages 5 and 2. I work and she is a stay at home mom.
We average sex 2 to 3 times a week, but the majority of the time, I am the one doing all the work, and she's not interest in much foreplay.
Even when she is on top, she usually gets tired and I finish the work. She hates giving BJ's and ones that she does do are will say unexpiring.
I feel sex to her is more sacrifical, that something she wants. Every time I want to try something new, she accuses me of looking at porn and coming up with these ideas.
I don't want to guilt her into sex because it is not enjoyable.
any suggestions to how I can get her more interested?

**blondie80** · 07-31-2009 04:25 PM

It makes it hard in situations like this to get your sex life back around at times, in general how is your relationship with her? Has sex always been like this? You need to maybe spend some time romancing her as over the years a woman can see this disapear at times and it makes things a little harder for her. Also change things up a little maybe just try things at different times of the day depending on children and things like that of course.
Some people just in general dont really feel that much of a need to have sex too regardless of how good the relationship is but all things need to be braught up properly or otherwise it sounds like your being accused or being blamed for something and then people willhut down all together.

**snapshot** · 07-31-2009 04:40 PM

relationship is good otherwise. Sex has always been like this to some extent. As for romance, if I try that, she figures I just in it for the sex, she sigh's heavily and set lets go.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-31-2009 05:04 PM

Women can view "intimacy" as purely sex it's sad.

You say it was always really within her, often it's the way in which they are trained in the mind in youth by parents, by school, sex is for babies that's it...

Even romantic gestures leads to the thought pattern of , he only wants sex.

How about doing things such as running a bath, put rose petals into it, light candles and then show her, give her a glass of wine and say, enjoy you've had a long week, I might just go and visit ............(some guy), go to bed after and get a good night sleep...

In-other-words, start showing romance as romance is... for no reason, just because i love you...

I think that women whom feel sex is just that, sex, really need lots of attention unfortunately that doesn't lead to sex or is not shown as it is going to.

Maybe it's a bit going backwards to go forwards but maybe it's a solution for you to try and see what happens.

If she doesn't like BJ's I can't see that she ever will, you either love that part of your man or you don't... That's tough...

Good luck.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 07-31-2009 10:25 PM

snapshot: sounds similar to my situation, except we have sex a lot less often. I've never found any way to make her want sex. She physically enjoys it (does your wife), but almost never wants it. When she does, she generally prefers me doing all the work - and then thinks she is doing me a favor.

**OG612** · 07-31-2009 11:32 PM

The most important question here is: How long has your wife had little to no interest in actually wanting sex?

If she feels that sex is a chore then you're not doing your part. I'm not accusing you of being bad in bed. You could be a total stud for all I know (it's none of my business so I'm not asking). Oftentimes, especially after childbirth, women lose their sex drives because they just don't feel sexy anymore. They feel that they're taken for granted.

Most men wonder she doesn't want to go down on him, or even have sex with him. The problem is that he's not doing anything in the mind of his wife to warrant that kind of behavior. While you don't have to go all out like CW said (although it is very useful), little things like a rose on her dresser with a love note under it when she wakes up, a sincere compliment, a foot massage... just don't over do it or else she'll think something's up.

As far as exploring sexual fantasies are concerned, approach the subject like this.

OG: You know, sweetie... our sex hasn't been feeling very "inspired" lately. Seems rather monotonous. Almost mechanical. What do you think?
GF: (her answer)

OG: If we could do one thing to make it more... "interesting", what would you like to try? What are some of your sexual fantasies you've always wanted to act out but never thought you could just allow yourself to really let go and enjoy them?

Run with her answers. Allow her these fantasies at first. Then do some stuff you want. Who knows? Maybe she's always wanted a threesome with another woman, or to be the dominant one, or to make a "home movie." I've given a lot of women their fantasies, and have received quite a few of my own.

Let her know that you don't want her to do anything that you're both not completely comfortable doing.

OG

**Mrs Doodles** · 08-02-2009 11:47 PM

First thing you need to do is talk to her!

My Hubby and i have lots of foreplay but when it comes down to the main event he would be more than happy for me to ride him all the time i dont mind riding him infact i love it but not all the time.

So after talking to him he now takes his turn a couple of times aweek so you need to talk to her its the only way.

**WildChild** · 08-03-2009 07:48 AM

A lot of women and men suffer from the Good Mommy Syndrome. Mommies aren't sexy. Mommies do food and cleaning and reading and playing and get wide laps. Mommies don't worry about their looks much or themselves and their needs. Mama Gena has some ideas on this, check out her book,Mama Gena's Marriage Manual There is a chapter on this subject. It's a sexual relationship killer.

**Frustr8ed** · 08-03-2009 10:33 AM

Similar situation here too. 40+, wife stays home with 6 year old. Although my story is much more complicated and this week will be 1 year without intercourse. Oh, i would be elated with 2-3 times a week but I understand that it's not that great when your the only one participating.

One thing that I've found is that helping out with all the little stuff goes a long way. Clean up after the kids, empty the dishwasher, do some laundry, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, etc... Show her that you value the hard work she is doing as a stay at home mom and are willing to help out. If she has to ask you to help, you get no points for that unless you jump to it and offer to do more but even then it pales in comparison to her finding out things have already been done.

**OhThereYouAre** · 08-03-2009 12:54 PM

Originally Posted by Frustr8ed

Similar situation here too. 40+, wife stays home with 6 year old. Although my story is much more complicated and this week will be 1 year without intercourse. Oh, i would be elated with 2-3 times a week but I understand that it's not that great when your the only one participating.

One thing that I've found is that helping out with all the little stuff goes a long way. Clean up after the kids, empty the dishwasher, do some laundry, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, etc... Show her that you value the hard work she is doing as a stay at home mom and are willing to help out. If she has to ask you to help, you get no points for that unless you jump to it and offer to do more but even then it pales in comparison to her finding out things have already been done.

And what do you get for going out to work everyday and making a living for the family?