I don't want sex?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-18-2009 05:36 AM

Mrs Doodles I think had Snappy Tom for breakfast, I've read two posts tonight, and not helpful in giving advise to solve the problem. Hopefully she will wake up tomorrow a happier person and realise..

there was one incident with an ex boyfriend but i don't know if it really affected how i am now as it was quite a few years ago. we'd been going out for about 8 months and there was one day when basically he wanted sex and i didnt.. i said i didnt want to, but he went ahead anyways. (im quite a small person. he was quite a big person). it wasn't really bad, i didn't struggle or anything, i felt bad for not wanting it with him so after i realised how much he wanted it i just kinda blanked out what was happening and we didn't talk about it again.

I am just going to say this.

You need to realise, as with me, I think... It was a conscious thing.. You knew how you felt, and it bothered you but your tough and so you soldiered on and it did not effect you in getting into other relationships.

I believe it actually "sub-consciously did bother you. As, I became aware years later that it may have me.

I am loving sensuality and sexuality but perhaps like you, as I have learnt this by myself and am comfortable with it by myself. However, un-like you, I can have a healthy sexual life, that is way beyond what I thought I was, that little inner girl is out to play, well when she finds her next boyfriend.... But, she has been and she knows....

It can play a part, that is why I wrote what I did... I don't have to tell this Forum something so deep... I usually only try to provide assistance, not speak of myself.

But, until you wrote this thread, I completely forgot about it. However, you bringing this up made me seriously think... Perhaps I viewed "for a while" after, that sex was sex and never dreamed it could be intimate and beautiful and sexy and sensual....

So maybe your sub-conscious has made you feel as a result of that experience, regardless how strong a personality you are, that sex is sex. As far as men go and you just can't get your mind around it.

Og posted something which now makes alot of sense.

Yes, I didn't hold on to it and yes my sex life "would" haha be wicked when I find my next poor darling...

But it wasn't always the case, it was in my 20's and 30's not after that incident and then came back again to me.

Let go of what happened even though you think you have. Trust your partner that it's not sex, rather intimacy. He's patient and he does it all correct for you, he loves you...

It's still there I think in your sub-conscious.

CW

**GlitterAndStuds** · 08-18-2009 07:50 AM

Sorry about such a delayed response on this, I can really only get online during the week for now

.

Kakie - First off, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your ex. That's never a good situation and no one should ever have to deal with that. I'm pretty sure everything I could say, CW has covered, but I'll try to give some insight anyway.

You make it seem like you're okay with what happened, but like it's been said before, it might have taken more of a toll on you than you might realize. Whether it's because of that or something else, there is definitely something in your mind that's holding you back, and a good way to figure that out is through therapy. If you haven't already given that a shot. It's amazing some of the things you can figure out in a few sessions that you would never have realized without it. It may work, it may not, but I think it's worth a shot to avoid any tension with your boyfriend. He sounds like a good guy, so I'm sure he would be patient with you in something like this.

**Ahryin** · 08-18-2009 11:02 AM

I agree with Glitter whole heartedly....i've been avoiding this post because I know how I am. Straight to the point and at times overly blunt. The fact is....if you don't even want to touch yourself or please yourself how can you expect to want someone else to be able to do it? You have no core of sensuality. There are moments when I realize or have thoughts flow through my body that create a wanting a tingling sensation..... Its sexual awareness.
While reading through your post I realize that you know something is wrong, but you are clueless as to what it is. You have a blockage somewhere and I agree with CW that it might even be subconciously. Maybe you should willingly check with OG about hypnotherapy or see a counselor. The human mind is a wonderous thing and is capable of many unexpected actions. For instance..what you don't realize is that you had an emotional attachment to your ex, you felt safe and loved....when he forced himself on you (which is exactly what he did) you received him and excepted what he was doing as ok...your reaction and reasoning created a blockage.
I'm not saying you need to leave your guy...because I feel as if you love him and he honestly has to love you because sweety not many men will allow or accept this type of inaction. Intimacy is a huge part (not the only but still a huge part) of a relationship. You need to reopen your Chakra's because somewhere along the line they closed in an attempt to self preserve and protect. The reason you are more prone to sex when you drink is because alcohol is an inhibitor.

**Kakie** · 08-18-2009 06:08 PM

hey, i'm not ignoring peoples recent replies, i really appreciate them and will reply to them tomorrow, its just its gone midnight here and i'm about to head to bed but all day i've been going over and over this in my mind and i keep coming back to the same question - if it is the case that i don't feel like i want to be intimate at the moment with my bf because of what has happened in the past, do i tell him this is the reason for it or not? if i tell him, he'll understand its not him that is the problem, but then it may also act as a barrier in the future, he may feel less comfty being intimate with me when i am ready.. but then if i dont tell him hes going to think the problem is him?

ARGH

sorry, this has been driving me mad all day!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-18-2009 07:01 PM

Hello mam....

It was a partner of yours, it wasn't a one night error that lead to a problem..

He will not only undertand, but feel for you if he loves you.... and it would then make sense, but the way you come across to me, is that it has always been in the "back" of your mind, not in the for-front and I think by advising him of this also, he clearly will see that your not with baggage per-say that will be with you always, you however, realised that something had nagged you, you didn't know what, now you do, "if that be the case", and now you can move on with being intimate but at your own pace as you let go of this past thought....

CW

**WildChild** · 08-18-2009 09:43 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

There are probably as many men who prefer small breasts as who prefer large. Big breasts aren't the way to attract some men any more than giant pickup-trucks are the way to attract some women.

LOL. I was a pick up truck driving lady way before it became fashionable. When I see men in those oversized, raised trucks and Hummers especially since they have no rational reason to own one). I laugh and wonder just what they are over compensating for?
But then I wonder the same thing about women who get the massive boob jobs, what are they trying to distract attention from?

**rcoreyus** · 08-18-2009 11:28 PM

He IS bound to you: he loves you. Legal responsibilities like houses can be canceled with a lawyer and a few days in court. Love, duty, honor can't be disolved so easily.

I think you should tell him why you think you feel this way. (don't tell him which person pushed you for sex). Get him to understand that it really isn't his fault. That way he won't be feeling inadequate as well as deprived.

But then, you really need to work on this. A relationship where one person wants intimacy and the other doesn't will be unhappy for both.

Originally Posted by Kakie

i don't need to "let him go".. if he wants to go, then he can go, hes not bound to me in any way.. we have no shared responsibilities such as house, mortgage, kids, anything like that.. however i was hoping through coming on here to somehow start to solve the issue of it being a sexless relationship as i don't want to finish the relationship with him as i am in love with him.. if he wanted to finish it he could do so at any stage.

**Kakie** · 08-19-2009 02:42 AM

thank you.. we are having a quiet night in tonight so i'm going to talk to him then... :S *fingers crossed*

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-19-2009 02:46 AM

rcoreyus
(don't tell him which person pushed you for sex). Get him to understand that it really isn't his fault. That way he won't be feeling inadequate as well as deprived.

I totally agree with this statement.. seeing as your still on line, therefore, haven't spoken to him yet.

CW

**Kakie** · 08-19-2009 02:55 AM

oh, sorry, no, i'm on GMT so its morning here, just gone 9:30am, so i'll be telling him tonight.. in about 12 hours

after which i'll either be very happy, or very sad lol

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