my son is 9 and I am worried about his awareness of sex

**pookie** · 09-01-2009 10:18 AM

My son is 9 and will be 10 in two months time. I am worried about how sexualised he is. At night time, when he is asleep, we sometimes find that he is "humping" his pillow. There is no other word I know to use for this practise. He wakes up and tells us he got all sweaty. At first we laughed it off, and put it down to tetosterone and boys growing up, however I found entries in his secret diary, a lot about mundane things he has done at school or socially, but also saying how much he loves Ellie (he has always "loved" Ellie who is a little girl in his class), but then I read another entry saying "I love Ellie, I wish I could have sex with her", and then another one saying "I practise on my pillow" and another saying "the girl in the green dress was sexy, I want sex with her". I am horrified, but don't want to confront him with anything until I get advice. He is very immature as a person, and an extrovert with lots of friends out of school and in school. He is quite sporty and a happy boy. He doesn't even know how babies are made yet, as he hasn't been that interested in knowing much more except where babies come out from. However, he is quite tactile with me and tries to practise his girlfriend/boyfriend kissing on me. I laugh it off an just turn away, and say "it's not appropriate", and just peck him on the cheek or lips and give him hugs. We are a demonstrative, tactile family and think nothing of walking around naked. I also worry about the words on songs these days that are out there, mostly "sex", or "you're sexy", or "I want your sex". Does this influence our children. Can anyone out there offer me advice on whether I should say something to him, and what? And whether I should admit I read his diary?:

**sourpuss** · 09-01-2009 10:45 AM

I have many guy friends who say that around the age 10-11 is when they started masterbating. My boss found that her son was looking at porn sites on his laptop at age 9. So he's not that different in that respect. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a very frank conversation with him about what sex is, masterbating, what's appropriate and what is not. A lot of what he's saying could just be what he thinks he's supposed to be saying to acknowledge how he feels. If he doesn't know what sex is then he doesn't actually want to have sex with the girl from class. He's just learned along the way somewhere that that is what you say or call it.

If he's old enough to have these feelings and old enough to understand if you explain it to him, then a conversation is in order.

Good luck.

**WildChild** · 09-01-2009 10:55 AM

It's hard to say with this. So many kids these days know so much more than we did a generation or two ago at the same age. Sounds like it's time for some talks about relationships and were sex fits into them. He should know how babies are made. I started explaining that to my kids when they were preschoolers (at an age appropriate level) I think the earlier you start talking about this stuff, the less of a big deal it is and the easier it is for them to gradually assimilate it.

Often times kids needs things explained several times before they really get it. This area seems to one of those. The book ( one for girls and one for boys) What's Happening to My Body? are really good, I've had copies around the house for years.

There are some people who will object to family nudity. I don't see a problem with it, I used to bathe or shower with my kids when they were little and they and I had family bed until they were both in school. My kids are well adjusted, excellent students and have no problems socially.

Start some converstations, when the two of you are driving can be a great time, or have him help you fix dinner and talk the. It makes it seem less like a lecture and seem to be more likely to open up then. Ask him what he thinks about girls, about having sex? What do he think that means? He may understand it as a way of showing affection, without really understanding what it is or actually involves. Just get a feel for what his thinking is and share your veiws on the importance of being older, having respect for other's boundries, whatever is appriopriate.

**Frustr8ed** · 09-01-2009 11:31 AM

I think it's only natural that he's feeling these things at this age. I agree with the other two posts that you need to talk to him and help him understand his feelings and desires and guide him in dealing with them. Yes, there are many influences out there such as music, movies, commercials, magazines, you name it. If it's constantly in your face, it will be constantly on your mind. IMO removing some of these influences would be a good idea.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-01-2009 11:35 AM

I don't think you should make an issue of the pillow thing as long as he's doing it privately. If he starts humping a pillow in front of you or others, I'd explain to him there is nothing wrong with those feelings -- but those private moments need to be --- private.

I definitely don't think you should bring up when he said in his diary, as sourpuss says...if he doesn't even know much about sex... he is just using the word to express something he wants to express. He is doing so in a safe manner (journaling) I'd not worry too much.

For me I've found my son, who is just reaching adolescense... talks better about other people than himself... so to gauge what information (or misinformation) he has about sex and drugs and social pressures I always ask him what his friends are saying about this or that.

And offer cross talk opinions, and information where it seems off, and just nod my head or shake it at the rest. Its good to have an open dialogue with your kid about sex... but most are uncomfortable discussing it -- especially when talking about themselves.

**SinisterUrge** · 09-01-2009 06:06 PM

Originally Posted by pookie

I also worry about the words on songs these days that are out there, mostly "sex", or "you're sexy", or "I want your sex".

I remember that song! do-do-doo-do-do-doo-do-do

**Steph33** · 09-02-2009 12:58 AM

TV, movies, music, Internet, etc make kids grow SO much faster, and be more aware from being exposed to everything.

At the average age for 1st sex now, my b/f was still playing with toy trucks and plastic soldiers in the dirt or playing baseball in his back yard.

Sad in a way sort of, kids don't get to enjoy just being kids without hassle, stress, consequences. Almost instant grow up now.

We don't have or want kids, but I admire parents who talk to their kids and help about sex, birth control, etc, before they end up pregnant or with an STD. We have an idiot neighbor who pays no attention to her 3 kids, one is a 15 year old who is pregnant for the SECOND time.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-02-2009 02:53 AM

I was introduced to sexual feelings as a child through abuse by a reletive who lived outside of my home. My parents didn't even say the word sex, I was afraid to refer to my body parts even if I was having an issue with them. It just was completely an uncomfortable environment for talk about any of that. Because of that I was afraid to tell them what was happening to me because I was too embarassed to say the words (seriously, that was my first fear) my second fear was shame, feeling as if I was in the wrong.

When I had my son, I knew I never wanted to create that type of environment. I wanted him to know he could say anything to me without fear. We've discussed age appropriate issues all along. As soon as he was able to comprehend words well enough he was made aware by me which areas of his body are his and private (anything your underwear covers, I'd tell him) that no one is allowed in that space except for him.

When he was five or so I saw him in the living room with his hand in his underwear while watching cartoons lol... I told him, honey... there is nothing wrong with touching your OWN body in your underwear, but thats private... and you don't do that in front of people. He just said Oh okay... went back to watching cartoons and it was never an issue again.

**Kakie** · 09-02-2009 03:01 AM

Originally Posted by pookie

We are a demonstrative, tactile family and think nothing of walking around naked. I also worry about the words on songs these days that are out there, mostly "sex", or "you're sexy", or "I want your sex". Does this influence our children. Can anyone out there offer me advice on whether I should say something to him, and what? And whether I should admit I read his diary?

sorry, can i just clarify - you all walk around naked infront of him? but you're worried about words in songs sexualising him? *confused*

i'm not sure what to do about your problem to be honest, the one thing i would say though is do NOT admit to reading his diary. whatever happens. because that brings up a whole load of new issues about trust. if you do need to talk to him about sex/his feelings then you can do that without having to specifically quote or refer to things he has written. if you tell him you read his diary he will feel embarrassed and like his trust/privacy has been violated and it will take a long, long time for that trust to be rebuilt.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-02-2009 07:10 AM

I don't think this is a problem.

He's a growing boy. He'll be a man in a few years.

He probably doesn't know what sex is....he's just writing down what he "thinks" it is.

At least he's expressing himself constructively.

It's time to have a talk when he starts "humping" things around other people. Which, I dont' think will happen....he seems to know that sex is a private thing.

I was *ahem* playing with myself when I was 9. I turned out okay.

Well I think.

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