How do you tell your man that the sex is bad?

**stressed** · 09-03-2009 05:22 PM

Ok, here goes...

We've been on the missionary position for nearly a year now (10 months to be exact). Every time he asks me if the sex was good and every time I say yes or ok, at worse, and it's not a lie, it can be good some times and I don't want to hurt his ego right after sex. However, I've also told him many times, in a gentle manner, that "next time we could try something different" and to that he always happily replies "yes, of course we can". The problem is that it's the same every time. I get next to none foreplay, he always gets more foreplay than me and it always ends up in the missionary position.

Whenever we have tried 2-3 different ones he loses his erection. I've tried to give him ideas and tell him what I like and so on, but there is no improvement, he won't try it. He seems lazy to use his hands or mouth as well, as if I have to do all the work every time just because he has the penis, which we ought to keep erect in order to accomplish the "mission". This ruins a lot for me as sex becomes an adventure of whether he will be happy with himself in the end instead of it being something enjoyable and loving for both of us.

Some times he just stands next to me during foreplay as if he's unsure of what to do and it makes me feel awkward. Sex is also rare, once a week at best, and it's always me making the first move or asking for it.

On the one hand I wish the sex was more frequent, on the other hand I don't exactly look forward to it because I already know what will happen and how I will feel less satisfied than him, so I might as well skip sex all together. I used to have a high sex drive but now because of this I'm not as keen on it as I used to be.

Question is, would telling him this make him feel terrible about his performance or should I wait another year and hope that he will figure it out by himself? If I will tell him then what's the best way to do it? I've just tried to hint everything to him and we have discussed the low frequency of sex in the past, but it's like he doesn't do anything about it and is only worried about whether he can finish or not, not make me feel equally good. He's not ever going to go to a specialist either, so... I'm stuck. I understand he can have low self confidence due to occasional dysfunctions but it has been a year now and I need to be equally understood.

He's a smoker, a little bit overweight and anything physically demanding gives him breathing difficulties. He's said his performance hasn't been good lately due to all this but he's trying. I've been very supportive and understanding to all this, I love him a lot, but I don't feel satisfied and haven't been in a while. It might sound selfish but understanding has its limits too.

**WildChild** · 09-03-2009 05:57 PM

Been there, still there in some ways. They can be awfully self focused but you have to find a way to tell the man plainly, in language he can understand that this needs to change. For all the talk about women being "sensitive" and overly critical of their bodies, I don't know many women who are as touchy as we seem to think men are about their favorite body part and how they use it. or how they fail to use anything else. We tip toe around this constantly.

Men don't have much trouble telling women that they are the problem or have a problem, why can't they take it? Or is it just that we don't don't dish it out often enough? Maybe we let it go on too long? Men "vent" about their sexual disatisfaction and women are expected to just deal with it, go fix dinner and be sexually receptive later. If a women, as gently as she can without her meaning being doubted, expresses that her needs aren't being met, the man will withdraw into silence in front of the TV for 6 months or curl up in a little ball and refuse to come out to play for the rest of his life. What is up with this?

I mean really?!
It seems that the more sexually aware and receptive women become, the more it becomes apparent that men have been hiding a whole lot of sexual and emotional disfunctionality behind claims that women don't want it. Ha! Publicly they've been complaining and making anti women jokes, while they are secretly are wiping their brows in relief.

**rcoreyus** · 09-03-2009 06:52 PM

Hm, you've told him you would like to try different things - that would have been my first suggestion. He also sounds pretty lazy. A few thoughts - but it he doesn't care then none of these will really work.

Next time you are working to get him ready, climb on for a 69. Hopefully he gets the (rather direct) hint that he should do something back.

Rent a porn movie Some of them show a wide range of activities and it might give him the idea that there is more to sex than missionary.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-04-2009 01:02 AM

Talk to him. It's all in approach, but do talk to him. When the mood is light, and in a light way ask him if HE is happy with you in bed. If he says yes, ask why doesn't he want it more often? I didn't catch you mentioning his age, but I imagine he's needing to relieve himself more than once per week.

If hes masturbating often it may be why he isn't "needing" the sex as bad, so try to explain to him that if he has extra sexual energy , you want him spending it on you.

He sounds shy and unsure of himself sexually, performance anxiety, little experience something of the sort. Thats not a bad thing. You can use this opportunity to learn how to please each other together.

From the way you describe him, its probably not that he doesn't want to give foreplay or attempt to please, its likely he doesn't know how or is embarassed to do something he hasn't tried often or ever.

You say you ask him, next time we'll try something different, and he says okay -- but nothing happen. If you are the primary aggressor, innitiator when it comes to sex... you may have to take that one by the horns and literally put his hand on you when you are making out. Show him how to touch you, tell him what feels good.

If he's losing his erection during sex and not drunk he might be so nervous or worried about the new position and doing it right, etc... that he's losing focus on the pleasure and / or becoming anxious.

Keep the mood light and all about pleasure, for the both of you. But talk to him. My boyfriends always brought me to orgasm and been eager to please me but not as often as I wanted.... I told him I wanted more of him and he was so happy to hear it. He didn't know I liked it as much as I do so that one little talk changed the dynamic of our relationship.

Now we talk all the time about how much I like it, and he gives it to me as much as I like it. I also put my shyness aside and showed him how to touch me to make me feel best and he appreciated so much learning the ways to make me feel good and OH does he have it down perfectly.

Sometimes guys that haven't had a lot of partners are unsure of themselves at first, but I'd much prefer that to a guy that thinks he has seen and done it all and doesn't try to figure out your individual needs.

How are things outside the bedroom? Is your relationship happy? Is he affectionate and do you feel loved?

**nightqueen** · 09-04-2009 04:22 AM

I don't have a positive feeling about this guy. You have told him you want to try other things, and when the time comes, he doesn't. Plus, how in tune is he really to you? I guess try to talk as directly as you can. Maybe he will finally change, but maybe not.

**Miya** · 09-04-2009 05:18 AM

Just a thought but doesn't smoking depress your sex drive? (I thought I read it did somewhere sometime) Add this to being a bit overweight and (if true) it's not a great case.
Perhaps you could find a way to suggest that having sex with him would be better than smoking and a great workout too.

**Sandra_does** · 09-04-2009 05:23 AM

Hmmmm.....I don't believe Hopeless Dork is hopeless at all...WINK !

Stress, it seems you are doing everything right while things are coming out wrong. I must admit this situation I know little about but do have fears someday this too may be a part of my life...

I view sex in two ways, sex for love and sex for pleasure, and feel neither can be accomplished happily if it's one-sided. Communications between couples brings the ultimate of understanding and performance I believe, but I also have a lot to learn as well, I know that...

My dad has ED and I have spoken to him and my mom about this a few times and find it can be a mental thing or a chemical thing or both combined... I won't bash us girls or those guys because we too have our life's problems to deal with...life can be so unfair to some...

My mom says we girls spend most of our sexual lives pretending and guys just intending...! lol

I don't think you should wait at all, much less another six months, but must communicate with him right away so that you both together may find resolve whether it is medical treatment, compromise or sacrifice. As a woman, a partner, yours is of equal value to his and he must meet your demands as you do his. If he refuses to accept that, cut him off for a week or two...lol Just kidding, of course...!

For a helpful thought, stressed, keep in mind that male hormones multiply while sleeping which means he is more sexually vulnerble when he awakens from his sleep. I often jump my man even before he awakens and when I began doing that it brought a new high into our sexual life. You might try to share a few erotic acts / toys to awaken his senses, stressed, but communication is always the essential element of a relationship...

Gosh, does anyone at all know how long it takes to train a man...? I am sure someday I will be here asking these same questions...!

Sandra_does...

**WildChild** · 09-04-2009 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by Sandra_does

My mom says we girls spend most of our sexual lives pretending and guys just intending...! l

LOL ,what a great line! And unfortunately probably too true.

Miya brought up a good point. Could the two of you start working out? A good long walk, time at the gym? Encourage him to quit smoking? The healthier you both are the more likely the sex will improve.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-04-2009 08:06 AM

Sheer laziness. Nothing is more irritating to me than lazy people. Even more so when their laziness warps into selfishness.

You're gonna have to tell him directly, or just plant your vagina in his face.

Also - if he quits smoking and gets back into shape, his sex drive will improve greatly and so will his performance.

It's all a matter of whether or not he cares enough to make those changes.

**Miya** · 09-04-2009 10:07 AM

Agree OTYA

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