Thread: Why do I do this to myself?

When I said he was short and just boring via text. I meant that he would reply with short answers, one words answers. That's annoying to me.

Oh it makes perfect sense. I'm glad you didn't take me asking the wrong way, I was curious as to what the story was, and now I totally get it.

Yeah, things like that are weird. You never know what can happen, people can always surprise you. I've had that happen before though in past relationships, where I spent a lot of time being kind of on the fence about my feelings for them, then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. That's also really cool that you were honest with Jared about your feelings for Marty, I know I wouldn't be able to tell someone that. It does sound like you really care about him, not like you're just using him, so that's good.

The good thing about this is that you don't need to feel pressured or rushed into anything with either of them. There's nothing wrong with seeing where things go with either. You never know, sometimes it just takes longer to make that connection with some people than it does with others. I mean, if you picture your life without Jared, does that suck? That's what I always do when I'm with someone. If it hurts to imagine my life while not being with them, it's partially a decision maker for me.

As for this Illya guy, I'm not sure about him. Did he know you had a boyfriend when he was pushing you to do all this stuff? If so, then he's pretty shady and doesn't have a very good effect on your life at all. Stating the obvious, I know, but still

That's also really cool that you were honest with Jared about your feelings for Marty, I know I wouldn't be able to tell someone that. It does sound like you really care about him, not like you're just using him, so that's good.

I really do care about him and that is why I had to be honest with him even if meant losing him. I talked it over for a long time with my aunt and uncle who are like my mother and father. They helped me figure things out. It was SO HARD to tell Jared though. I had him over, sat him down and told him the truth whilst crying. I felt awful but he was so good about it. He rubbed my hand and thigh and told me that it was okay. Now he's pissed off at me. Today he called me (shockingly) and I told him to stop treating me like cra* because it wasn't fair. He acted confused. He totally isn't though. He knows exactly what I'm talking about. I had to do it. I mentioned the Marty thing because a couple of weeks after I told him he went off on me and ever since then things have been cra*. He again went off today and then said he didn't want to talk about it but that he is sorry for how he's been acting. Hopefully he'll come over this week sometime. He said he would.

I mean, if you picture your life without Jared, does that suck?

I have done that recently... Last Saturday I hadn't heard from him so I was kind of starting to worry if we were over. I've always been really cocky with him because I know how much he wants to be with me. For a long period of time I felt that I could do whatever I want and still keep him. I've acted upon this notion a million times. I would purposely push his buttons to see what he would do and he would do nothing. That's what really bothers me about Jared. He doesn't put me in my place and that's really what I want but back to what I was saying... I got a text message from him Saturday that said, "Sorry. Don't do ultimatums. You'll live without me." When I first read this I took it as a break up text. I got cocky again and figured he was bluffing and trying to make me sweat so I blew it off pretty much. I wrote back and said, "I really hope you find what you are looking for." I wasn't about to play his mind games. I didn't hear anything from him so I turned my phone off and went to bed but all the while I was actually starting to sweat. I thought that my being cocky was backfiring and that I shouldn't be that way anymore because I was actually afraid to lose him. I almost cried. When I turned my phone on the next morning I had a text from him at 11:30 pm that read, "I love you. Gnite." I was confused... I thought he broke up with me and so we talked about that and he said that is NOT what he did. My cocky feeling came back because I knew he wouldn't break up with me but at the same time I really shouldn't be that way. One day my cockiness is going to backfire and I'll lose someone I care about.

Did he know you had a boyfriend when he was pushing you to do all this stuff?

I told him that I was semi attached and let him know the details of what was going on between Jared and I. He also knows about Marty and how much I am in love with him. So, yes... He knew. The thing is, I don't feel like I even have a boyfriend. That's another thing I told Jared today. I said that he makes me feel so unwanted. He actually said and I quote, "Why do you put up with me?" I said, "You know, I ask myself that a lot but the truth is, I care about you a lot." He said, "I care about you too." We just need to spend some time together and work things out.

ohh sweetie, i read the post and your story moved me a lot. because in a way is my story too. the difference is that i stopped and I really (and i mean really) looked at me. as you, I asked myself why am i doing this to me?! and then I started looking for the answers. first I blamed life,then i blamed others and when I got tired in blaming the others I started looking at my actions,my thoughts and my feelings. and as strange as it sounds I realised that I am the only one responsible for everything that is in my life. and I realised that the man I thought I couldn't live without was just a man like every other man (it costed me a lot to accept it but it is true) the only thing special in our relationship was my addiction to a romantic fantasy(and I was just making him responsible for fulfilling that so i won't feel alone and useless), that the love I expect from others should be the love that I give myself. and from that moment the only relationship that really mattered was the one with myself.
now I have a wonderful relationship with someone new that I love deeply and who made me see the difference between love and addiction. and I feel free and alive and I put the past and the pain behind me.

so my advice( sometimes from outside you can see things more objectively) is to start learning being more aware of yourself and to know that you and only you have the answers. shake you addictions and learn that you are already special and beautiful. no man or relationship can do that. don't let the abuse from the past shape your life and keep you addicted to suffering. you are so much more,but you just need to look for that inside. take responsability for your life and stop abusing yourself. the moment you will stop,the nightmare will stop.

I hope you will break free because there is nothing more important than this. and once you are free you will see how much love and hapiness you will bring in your life.it's not impossible but you will never know if you don't try.

That's very true... We all need to look at ourselves (but I know this is about me) I need to look at myself. I think a huge problem for me is that I react before I think and the odd thing about this is it doesn't go into all aspects of my life. Only this one particular thing. I think all of the time. My brain never shuts off and it keeps me up a lot at night. I don't have a balance. I'm always going over every little thing I did or didn't do or should've don't or shouldn't have done and constantly beating myself up which in turn ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE. I just don't know what to do anymore.

And the worst part is... My repeat mistake on Wednesday. (This time worse)