Why do I do this to myself?

**ThexMrs** · 09-14-2009 07:22 PM

Friday night was my first night back in the city. I wasn't moving into my apartment until Saturday morning so I figured I'd go hang out with my boyfriend. I texted and texted him but he didn't answer so I texted Ilya. If you remember him from another thread, he forced himself on me in January. Why would I ever talk to him again? I don't know... We were friends for 4 years before he did that to me. I'm a forgiving person and really, I didn't want to be alone.

Anyways...

He picked me up from my place at 11:00 pm and we went to a restaurant for a couple of hours and talked. It was very awkward as it had been 8 months since the incident and since I've seen him. I relaxed after a while and we had a good talk about Philosophy and Religion.

After the restaurant he took me home and I was ready to go to bed because I had to be up at 6 am to move. I lit a cigarette and then sat down outside to smoke before going in. He started to try to kiss me and I wasn't interested. I said no, he tried again but wasn't forceful really. I said things were still awkward and he asked if he could kiss me. I gave in... I said he could as long as he kept his hands to himself. We kissed and then he took my shirt part way off and started to lick and suck. (You know what I mean) I stopped him and that's when he asked if we could go walk around so that nothing else would happen and he'd stop trying things so I said sure, why not? We walked to the top of the parking garage at the hospital to look at the stars. From there we started to walk to the park. If you've seen The Notebook, Noah and Allie lay down in the middle of the street. I don't know what got into me but I wanted to do it so I did. He watched me at first and then laid on top of me. At that point I said, okay I'm done and moved him to get up.

We get to the park and I go sit in a swing. He stands in front of me and continues to try to kiss me and take my shirt off. (I'm all about fooling around in public) but I just don't like him like that. I continue to give in.

We leave the park and head for my house but on the way there I see a bus in the parking lot of a Church. I say, let's go break in. I'm really into getting into trouble right now for some reason. I guess I just wanted some excitement. We get to the bus and one door is already partly open so we slip inside and sit down. He asks to go down on me, I say no. He asks to finger me, I say no. He asks to titty screw me, I say okay. It didn't work out though. Too awkward in there for that. He starts jerking off and then asks me to blow him. I start to and then stop. I don't want to do this.

I suggest we leave and go back to my house. On the way there he begins to tell me about this fantasy of fooling around in or on a Church. (On meaning, the stairs or wherever possible) I said, huh... That's different. Well, there is a second Church by my new apartment so he asked if I would blow him on the stairs for just one minute. He said it would make his day... So I did it but only for a minute.

I get home and I hate myself at this point. I feel totally disgusting because I don't have any feelings for him whatsoever and I did things with him that I never wanted to do. I say goodnight and that's it.

Why do I do things that I don't want to do?

Before I even went out I talked to Marty and he was so pissed that I would even give him a second chance. The couple of friends I told were also pissed off and worried about me. Needless to say, I didn't tell any of them what happened. I'm ashamed.

I don't know what's wrong with me. If it had been my boyfriend or Marty I wouldn't feel bad about this at all. Like I said, I love public fooling around and doing risky things.

**dr.mansview** · 09-14-2009 11:01 PM

stop it

**WildChild** · 09-14-2009 11:08 PM

Yeah, what he said.
Sweetie you are beating yourself up but you do this like a compulsion. As if you just get drawn into a web, a downward spiral. You have to really decide to stop. What do you gain from this? It may be negative. It may be hidden. But there is something.
You say Marty is "the one", why are you doing this? IF you have "the one", they are sufficient.

You need to let this go. It does not benefit you, it does not move you forward. You know it. If you truly decide to stop, you will.

**ThexMrs** · 09-14-2009 11:15 PM

You say Marty is "the one", why are you doing this? IF you have "the one", they are sufficient.

I don't "HAVE" him though. He is 3,000 miles away and we are not together. We may never be whether we love each other or not.

**ThexMrs** · 09-14-2009 11:22 PM

Sweetie you are beating yourself up but you do this like a compulsion.

... I don't know. I'm filling a void I guess. I'm just doing it in a disgusting way. I just act. I don't think. I live in the moment because well... I want to feel something.

What do you gain from this?

At the time satisfaction... At least when it's with someone I like. Ilya really repulses me. I just do it. I want to be wanted and he's wanted this for 4 years. He's been waiting 4 years so... I just did it.

It's been a long time since I acted out like this. It's been since June. I mean, they may not seem like a long time but it is considering I was doing things all of the time.

**Isabellacat** · 09-15-2009 02:16 AM

Wow I've been in situations like that alot. Ended up doing stuff with guys I was'nt really into but just gave into them anyways. Felt really bad afterwards....I dunno what to say but it's hard expressing how you really feel at the moment sometimes. It's weird, but one thing I learned just don't give into them if you're not interested.

If I were you I would'nt talk to that guy again. Up to you tho, I know when that happened to me I just did'nt want to associate again because it felt gross afterwards.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2009 05:45 AM

Why do I do things that I don't want to do?

Before I even went out I talked to Marty and he was so pissed that I would even give him a second chance.

That's why you did it. Simple. Fact...

Rebelious.

Fool..

Dangerous.

Used..

stop it

**Miya** · 09-15-2009 06:00 AM

Hmmm..yes, what everyone else has already said.

These actions are very childish and immature. Perhaps you should develop more respect for yourself instead of somehow seeking fulfillment in this manner. Continue doing this and you'll end up with some disease that you can't get rid of or worse (since you say this Illya forced you then why didn't you have him arrested for rape??).

You say this Marty chap is the one yet you have a boyfriend where you live now? On top of that you do all this with someone who disgusts you? That sounds like an addiction or complete lack of willpower to me.

Perhaps it's time to make some kind of decision regarding these men. I fully realize living life in the moment because it's the only thing we really have but this way of being also carries with it the obligation to be somewhat responsible with that moment. My dear if you're old enough to be having sex like this then you're old enough to be responsible for those actions. Maybe consider counseling or at least talking to someone "in the flesh" instead of just on this board?

I wish you well but again as others have said Stop It!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-15-2009 06:32 AM

I can see the anger dwelling ...

I just want to say one thing, we know you, we love you, we are saying NO MORE.

Miya doesn't know you from a bar of soap, yet has stated cold hard facts.

Agreed.

And, given you very sound advise from an outsider, someone who hasn't had the privilege to hear your pleas and seen you get yourself together, over time, only to fall again.

Marty is a "bad" influence on you.. He is your "dream" the boyfriend is the guy for now.

What you can't do, CAN NOT DO, is go back to anyone that has abused you and think that they can have you again, how can that be abuse? You are needing them Linds.. You so want to forgive them that you want them to walk and not try.. You want them to respect and not try.. You want to be that loving giving soul.

But, it's like you need to say no to them again and try and then you will be able to say forgive, yet you can't stop yourself from letting them do something and that's because of Marty, because you want him but you can't have him and he gives you 10000 excuses ,over and over and over and you believe every single one of them... as to why it "can't be"..

Block him it's time.

Let go of him fully it's time.

Leave him with your address.

If he truly can't live without you, he will leave what ever he is doing and come to you.

If not you finally have your closure.

Please Lindsay.

You have done so well for so long.... Your hanging on to fantasy, belief, kill me later I don't care. It's true.

We told you along time ago and you did but good. Be ON YOUR OWN, get to know and love you.. enough is enough.

If we didn't hold heart for you, including Dr who we copied his words, we wouldn't bother replying and advising.

Don't but, but, but, listen...............

CW

**Miya** · 09-15-2009 06:57 AM

Miya doesn't know you from a bar of soap, yet has stated cold hard facts.

Agreed.

And, given you very sound advise from an outsider, someone who hasn't had the privilege to hear your pleas and seen you get yourself together, over time, only to fall again.

This is very true and I wasn't trying to diminish her pain/anguish/confusion over this but simply comment on the post based on the content relative to the tones and substance of her other posts throughout the forum I have read.

I apologize if I overstepped my bounds on this but it's what I read and my firm belief that we are all responsible for our own actions and reponses. We can solely control ourselves and ourselves only.

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