Trying To Save My...

**151** · 09-16-2009 11:20 AM

I am looking for some advice. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have not had sex in almost 10. She never had much of a sex drive and it pretty much died after our child was born (C-section). She lives a very stressful work life and one day during a fight told me to stop asking for "it" - and since then the subject has pretty much been off limits. We love each other, get along well, and are good parents together. I want to stay with her but can no longer live in a platonic marriage. How do I start the discussion on saving our marriage?

**Miya** · 09-16-2009 11:37 AM

Have you tried marriage or family counseling together to see what could be causing this issue?

**Kallygirlie** · 09-16-2009 12:07 PM

Originally Posted by Miya

Have you tried marriage or family counseling together to see what could be causing this issue?

I agree with Miya. I'm not sure if you have done counseling. I can understand her not being a very sexual person but to bluntly tell you to stop asking just seems there theres an unknown issue that she's not sharing with you. I would honestly tell her that you are worried about were the marriage is heading and you'd like to express your concerns with her. Stay completely calm and let her know how much you miss being close with her in that way. Ask her if she knows why she no longer want to have that in the marriage and suggest counsling. If she is extremely busy all the time, she just may feel overwhelmed. Try to do something to make her smile. Bring her flowers or make her a dinner. Not sure what kind of women she is and what she likes but do something just to make her smile when you know she's having a bad day. Brownie points never hurt

**danceintx** · 09-16-2009 12:17 PM

I can understand the way you feel about this, I would simply sit her down and tell her excactly the way you feel, that you cannot handle living that way anymore. Anyone would understand that I think. Then find a good marriage counselor, get to the route of why her sex drive is non-existent. Whether it's marriage problems, depression, etc.

**LanaBear** · 09-16-2009 12:42 PM

I'm sorry to hear this... But the communication needs to be open about it. She needs to be able to talk about it without getting irritated, pissed and everything else (I speak from experience). She does need to be able to accept responsibility because if she doesn't your at a dead end.

She's got some work she needs to do on herself. Without that, it isn't going to go anywhere. If you cannot talk to her about it, if she doesn't allow the conversation to happen, she needs to talk to someone. It's a sensitive subject, it will need to be approached at just the right time and with just the right words...

**151** · 09-16-2009 01:31 PM

I should have mentioned that we tried marriage counseling a few years ago. It was a disaster mainly because we chose the "wrong" counselor. However, it did reveal a lot of anger, frustration, depression and stress from my wife. In the past, she has not wanted to discuss it, and when I have pushed the discussion she has gotten nasty about it. I would love to find a way to start over but that could just be my naïveté.

**LanaBear** · 09-16-2009 02:00 PM

Yep - it's embarrassing to her that it's gotten to this point. The only response she knows now is to get pissed and not want to talk about it because by talking about it, in order to improve it, she needs to change it. IT'S HARD...

**noor** · 09-16-2009 03:18 PM

How can a man stay without sex for 10 years? A marriage is a give and take relationship. Compromises should be done. She should have sex with you not because she has to do it but out of love. Humans have needs.

Refusing sometimes, it's understandable but 10 years???

Talk with her. Buy her gifts and take her out to dates.Go slowly and she will surely do it. Spend time with her. Call her when you are at work. This will increase love.

**Kallygirlie** · 09-16-2009 03:27 PM

your not nieve for wanting to start over. you miss your marriage. have you thought about trying a new counsler? its seems like it was working with getting her to open up but you said the choice for the counsler was bad

**151** · 09-16-2009 03:29 PM

LanaBear...thanks for that insight...that is how I have been seeing it so I can find a certain amount of comfort in your analysis...but what is a man to do?

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