THE ORIGINAL COLD FISH

Hi there, I have been around for 48 years and have NEVER enjoyed sex...Ice Queen and I sound exactly alike...the pain...no pleasure what so ever...etc..and I have decided not to ever get involved in a relationship again. I have never been able to talk about this with my sexual partners. I can't tell them what I want them to do because I always wish it was over and done with. I can't suggest different positions. I never talk during sex. I do a lot of pretending that I enjoy it but thats stupid...its ok for the male but it gets me nowhere. I developed an anxiety disorder/panic attacks about 12 years ago and that limits how I live my life. From then on I have sworn off men...it wouldn't be fair to get them involved in my mental and sexual disfunction. I have to say, I do want to enjoy it but I'm too afraid to go there. The other thing that hasn't helped is that when I was a young teen my mother would drum it into me how dirty and disgusting sex was and that still enters my mind when I doing it. I hope you are able to overcome this Ice Queen. I think it's too late for me. It's deeply inbeded in my brain now how wrong it all is & I would definitly need councellling to help. Over here in New Zealand though its very expensive so I guess I will remain the Original Queen of Ice forever....good luck ((=

CHANDLERS WISH

Welcome to the site..

I moved your post to a new thread because you posted on an old one that those people have long gone..

Let's get a fresh approach.

What happened before 12 years ago? It's not usual for a woman to not want/like sex I don't think physiologically unless there is a underlying reason from a past..

I write this because of this comment:-

Was she domineering? Do you feel you have to please her? Or, you believed her, can't stop thinking about it, however, you know in your heart you really want to let go.

You know? As strange as it may sound, 46 only just younger than you, my Mother didn't even warn me, discuss periods.. And, she only said "it hurts" as her logic for stopping me.

48.

1 life...

Only one...

Now it is time to live it for you.

After all, our parents are just a guide. And for what? How they were taught, get my drift?

Yet each 30 years or so, it is so different in people's way of thinking, accepting, realizing.. ensuring success in a relationship and that involves proper intimacy or else really your parents/their parents/ sure 50 years married love each other but I almost guarantee something, friendship, they know each other inside out, it is as it is and they couldn't live with out each other. 90% neither received much oral or any or one didn't cause of parents teaching.

Yet today? If we don't settle, have core beliefs in live, communicate and understand that as an importance, never make sex "sex" rather look into each others eyes, be it, horny/sexual/sensual or all, we can work anything out.

Let go of the Apron Strings, that was her life, this is yours.

CW

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nightqueen

Find a way to afford counseling and go. Life is too precious to be unhappy.

noor

Psychological problems can be traumatic and they affect your life. I hated sex after an incident which altered my life. I was almost 15 when I lost my virginity to my teacher who was 30. It was a blackmail. I had cheated in a previous exam and took the same file to the next exam after some months without rubbing it. He called me to his office & accused me of cheating. I told him I didn't cheat today. He said then you cheated in another exam. He threatened to cancel my paper and take me to the supervisor.He said we could work out something. I said ok. He told me that he wanted to see me naked. I was shocked but agreed. I thought it would end there but then he asked me to go home with him.The b****** made me call my mom to tell her that I would be staying over at a friend's house.He did everything with me including anal. That weekend was the worst of my life.He did it so many times. It was painful.I cried but my cries fell on deaf ears.It destroyed me what he did. I felt ashamed of myself. When the school reopened after holidays he had left for France, his homecountry forever as he had a new job. I started avoiding my boyfriend and friends. My epilepsy attacks increased. I had nightmares, I lost appetite, started sleepwalking and kept crying and had many other problems. I started hating sex.

When I was 16, I met my fiance, & my ex boyfriend thought I was avoiding him because of the new man in my life.We broke up and he told my parents. I seeked medical help and it helped me a lot. I was so afraid of sex that I had sex with my fiance only after we got engaged. He was very gentle. There are times when I don't enjoy sex and I just wish to get over with it but make sure that my fiance enjoys every moment of it by pretending that I am enjoying it. Sometimes we make compromises for our loved ones and there's nothing like seeing them happy.

noor

Try talking with your partner. Communication helps a lot. Tell him what you like and what you don't like and forget what your mum said. Tell yourself that mum is not here to see, I'll do whatever I like and make myself and my partner happy.Remember the moments which we have today will not be there tommorrow.

nightqueen

Wow. Sorry to hear that.

Glad you're doing better now.

WildChild

Noor,

Your name means light and I hope one day you will have the light of healing in your life. Sex is meant to be pleasurable and enjoyed by both. What that man did to you was rape. Cheating on an exam is wrong but Nothing warrents what he did to you - not one bit of it. I know you aren't in the best part of the world to get counseling and support with this but I hope you can find some help in getting past it and finding pleasure in sex.

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We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

sunchaser

How do you overcome hating sex though !? I mean... seriously. I want it, but i hate it too. Uncomfortable and not very pleasant. It's not like the sex drive isnt there (however minute it is) it just doesnt feel- good !
It's quite frustrating really. 'Sigh'

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WildChild

My questions to those of you who don't enjoy sex;
Is it just sexual intercourse or all aspects of sex?
Do you masterbate?
Have you ever orgasmed?

One thing to consider if you were told it was "bad" or "dirty". You have a clitorus, it has only one purpose and that is sexual pleasure. Your clitorus has 8000 nerve endings, it is the most sensitive part of the human body (the head of a man's penis has 4000 nerve endings - I still want to know who counted all these ). You wouldn't have this little center of delight if you weren't intended to orgasm, to feel sexual pleasure. Orgasm releases a host of chemicals in the body and brain, that not only enhance the feeling of well being but I was told this weekend by a sex therapist, they actually increase the ability to reason (haven't verified that yet).

Start self talking yourself with some positive affirmations related to sexual pleasure. How about:
I am a sensuous being who deserves full pleasure in life
My body delights and thrills me
I deserve to orgasm

Just see what you can come up with that feels right for you to start reprogramming your thinking.

Then start loving yourself and your body. Look at your body naked in a full length mirror. Run your hands over it, thinking loving thoughts and saying loving things. Say thank you for all it does for you. Touch yourself like a lover, you should be your own most loving admirer. Care for your body, moisterize it, exersize it, feed it healthy food and enjoy every bite as you do. Blow yourself kisses in the mirror.

This is a starting point, we can pick up masterbating skills and tips later.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

sunchaser

Quote Wildchild: My questions to those of you who don't enjoy sex;
Is it just sexual intercourse or all aspects of sex?
Do you masterbate?
Have you ever orgasmed?

Just speaking for myself here.
I havent had an orgasm no. Do i masturbate? No. It does nothing for me. But being touched by someone i like feels great, its just the intercourse, again nothing.
You also said the clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female body... but can it not also become insensitive?? I think thats my problem.

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...follow the white rabbit and see how deep the rabbit hole goes...