Muffin

As I've seen in many post already, I'm not alone in being unable to acheive an orgasim with my partner. the problem for me is, alot of the advice, (toys, oral, fingers, picturing images etc) doesn't work for me.

I am able to do it on my own, on the surface, however, I want to feel the deep satisfying long lasting orgasim from penitration. Or even just from oral.

Here's the thing though... when I'm masterbating, I'm thinking about rough, wild, way beyond normal roughness (i think) and thats the only thing that works for me. Except... it also only works when I'm thinking of a stranger, like not just someone i met on the street, i mean picture a whole new face I've never ever seen before... I doesn't work if I picture my partner.

I try to talk with my partner about the roughness, and he can get rough, though he worries about hurting me. I think I've come close, but no cigar....

He wants to give me an orgasim through oral, and he will try for a long time. I try to tell him what feels good, and he focuses there.... but soon enough (minutes) I start to go numb there, and then it's painful.

I haven't told him that I've never come, he's asked, but he seems so degected when I tell him that its not every time, how would he take never?

Please any advice.... I know theres alot of random problems in there, but they are all part of the whole.
Thanks

ThexMrs

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...my-orgasm.html

This may be of help.

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OhThereYouAre

And yet another thing to try would be to tone down the masturbating - especially if you use vibrating toys.

Women who use toys consistently are harder to please in my experience.

Also - ask him to hum when he's giving you oral. He might think its weird, but that might help you along.

Another thing to try is to wait until you're pretty horny before you go at it. Your mood going into it is a big help.

Good luck.

__________________
'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..."

"People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..."

"I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..."

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

Muffin

thanks for the input. I do have a great connection with my guy. I will look into some books. I've been with him a long time, and he is the only one I've been with. I know that, while sometimes I'm not completely satisfied with my body, he loves it! So I haven't worried about what I look like, what I'm doing with my hands, and I know that he likes my noises.

It's just... I can't get as wet as I need, and I can't stay wet long enough. Lube doesn't work, I think I'm allergic to it (which acctually may be the major cause of the problem) because whether its from the bottle or from the condum it usually starts to hurt soon. I know I get a lot closer to an orgasim when we don't use a condom.

As for masturbating too much, I don't really think that's my problem, maybe once or twice a week I will do it. I don't use vibrators or anything. Just rubbing on a pillow. I've never been able to pleasure myself with touching (except once, in the bath and I haven't been able to do it again). So if I don't know where to touch, i don't know where to tell him to touch.

Muffin

*correction* that time in the bath... I came close, it felt good, leading up to something, but I never made it there.... *sighs*

WildChild

Hmmm, the possible allergy to the lube is one thing. I have that problem too but fortunately rarely have reason to use it unless we are playing around with just being a little different. In my case it's the parabens that are a problem. At least 10% of the population is sensitive to them so that is a possiblity. There are products without it. Astrolube makes one but you may have to go online to get it, at least some of the Silk line is paraben free too. Just go in to the local adult shoppe and check, some of them have a section for sensitieve people.

The fact that you enjoy fantasy about a complete stranger and "rough" sex makes me wonder, do those fantasies that work for you include a degree of force? Or situations where he "takes" you or you are for some reason unable to resist? These are common. I think, because it circumvents the messages we get so often that "good girls don't". If you are forced or unable to resist or there is a threat of or level of violence, then you aren't being "bad", they are and you are the victim. You are able to cum because you are being overwhelmed. But having loving, caring sex with your bf is clearly consenual and then you have to own that and that's not being "good".

Give this some thought? Could some version of it be what is keeping you from cumming? You can retrain your thoughts if it is. Think about it and if you want we can talk about how you might do that, there are several people on here who have things they can share about how.

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We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

Muffin

It's possible, but When I met my partner, I was very very shy. He was extremely understanding, and took it slow with me. I don't consiously feel ashamed or anything, but I know I used to feel it was "dirty".

I know that it isn't though. He is my husband, and I have every right to enjoy it. I try. He tries, in fact while looking into tips and tricks on the internet, he's started doing some of the things recommended to help me reach an orgasm.

But... growing up so long with the feeling that its "dirty" It may be left over.... and hiding itself. Any idea on how to over come that?

OhThereYouAre

Couple questions:

How old are you?
What was the method you first learned to masturbate with?

Since you are rubbing yourself with a pillow, your orgasms are probably clitoral. There are other sensitive spots within the vagina that can produce that same results. Do some research on the G-Spot. A man can easily massage your G-Spot and bring you to orgasm. Another area you can explore is the A-spot.....but I hope your guy has long fingers!

Also - you mentioned a bathtub. Instead of using your fingers, why don't you position yourself right below the water tap. Let the water fall on your vagina and as you move around, watch where the water is hitting and take notes on what spots you like hit the most. Obviously your clit is a part of all this, but you need to ascertain if and when you like/dislike direct/indirect clitoral contact.

P.S. - don't tell him that you NEVER have O's. This could trigger some performance anxiety in the poor guy.

__________________
'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..."

"People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..."

"I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..."

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

WildChild

Well i'm short on time right now but your brain pretty much buys what it is told but overcoming early programming needs consistancy and conscious effort because it's so deep and forms the base that we've built on. You could just decide to tell your self you love being "dirty".
Or you can start reprogramming to really love and enjoy your body and all it can do with or without a partner. I like that approach because it emcompasses far more than sex, that can include exersize, food, all the senses, your ability to move and bend and flow. Guess you could do both.
But quickly, first thing is accepting that you are meant to be a fully sexual being. You have a clit. It's only purpose is sexual plesure. As a society we accept the idea that men are very sex driven and how sensitive the penis is, well your clit has twice as many nerve endings. Whether you believe in creation, evolution, star seed, what ever the conclusion is the same - we ladies wouldn't have this wonderful clit if we weren't meant to be fully sexual beings!
Start self talking about your wonderful clit and what it can do!

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

Muffin

I learned to masturbate quite by accident when I was really little. I didn't know what it was, I just knew that it felt good. In short, I was moving furniture around in my room, and while moving my matress I straddled it, and bounced... and found it was quite enjoyable. I also know when I was really little I used my fingers.... i loved the smell, but later "learned" that I shouldn't do that... *sighs* but I stuck with the rubbing, in secret since I was really little.

I would never tell him "never", and I have gotten close... i think.... and I do enjoy what we do together, with or without I love being close to him. And it does feel good... I just want it to feel great...