Thread: Girlfriend of 6 years has become asexual

Now the men on here may not "get' this but I'll bet a lot of the women will say, "Bingo". We women, if we are sexual and sensual and love and care for a man, enjoy pleasuring him. But and it's a big but, what we get out of a bj or hj, personally isn't much. We are up close, we can feel your skin, are immersed in your scent, loaded with your pheromones, can hear your breathing change and the sounds of your arousal, we can feel the changes in your penis as you get closer to cumming. All that can be very arousing. But it is a gift, our pleasure in this is largely that of giving.
What do we get? "Thanks, that was amazing". That's ok.
Occasionally.
But over and over...
Well, yippee yahoohy.
We are happy to have pleasured you, what kind of reciprocation is there? In MOST cases None. Zip. Nada. At anytime. I've talked with a lot of women, this is more common than you may think. That isn't to say none do, but it's often the case. How long do you think that can go on until it becomes a chore? Quite a few have shut down at least for some period of time. And many get so frustrated at not having their needs met that they actually prefer getting a man off without intercourse because they can stay less connected and feel less disappointed. It can get to be kind of like the checklist; laundry, work, pick up kids, start dinner, jerk off man, wash dishes.

You say the two of you can go out for a nice dinner, have a good time and when you get to the bedroom it ends. Women don't have switches, arousal isn't a checklist; dinner, kiss here, touch there, she dissolves in wild desire. Men often tend to treat it that way.

When it comes to communicating about sexual matters, especially when a woman is not having her needs met, men can get very prickly and defensive. You guys tend to be better than most women at saying do this, that way, faster, harder, here, there. But when it comes to hearing that what you are doing, isn't doing it; that what you think she needs isn't what she wants, the walls go up, the defenses come out and women tend to back off not wanting to offend the precious male ego. The result isn't happy for anyone.

We've said it here many times before; start giving her lots of affection and care without any sexual expectations. Kisses and hugs, carresses, a massage, foot rubs - no expectations. It will take time for her to feel/hear that you are caring without demands. And she may start to open back up. I've read various therapists that say men need sex to feel love and women need to feel loved to feel sexual. I don't know that I agree entirely but it's close enough to true to keep in mind.

What she is probably dealing with a response loop. Most likely she had some sort of irritation or infection that caused pain and dryness, continuing to have sex with this created an expectation of pain with intercourse. Then repeatedly pleasuring you without getting any for herself caused her to start to disassociate from her sexual responses. One thing led to another and each fed the other. Now she's shut down emotionally and sexually. Your frustration is understandable but the drive to "fix" her has very likely contributed to the problem. She needs to resolve any possible physical factors and really should find some other method of conception control. Then you are going to have to find ways she can feel (not what would do it for you but what will work for her) that your desire for her flows from love and connection and not just your hormones. This can be repaired. It will take time. You may want to give this to her to read. See what she thinks after she's had some time to consider it. Don't be surprised if there are some tears. Having our pain put into words can evoke some intense responses. Knowing that you are open and trying to understand in new ways may be a big help.