Thread: Girlfriend (fiancee) masturbates while Im home

Originally Posted by WildChild

We women often really tiptoe around sexual concerns because we are afraid that you men are so touchy about it. Speaking from experience, no matter how we try to phrase it, telling a man that what he is doing sexually just isn't doing it, isn't often received well. You may be different, but a surprising number of men aren't willing to change. Or will at least initially go into quite a snit. Many women may place too much emphasis on physical appearance for their self esteem, but many men place it in sexual performance. They forget it's not a one man show, with them as the star. This may not be her concern, the sex may be fine and she may have some other reason to self pleasure.

Always the man's fault.

If a woman does it in lieu of a partner, she's not satisfied (which somehow is because of the man even if the woman won't tell him what she likes), she has been sexually repressed by her environment, (which happens to be dominated by men) or there is something missing emotionally in the relationship (which also becomes the man's fault). These are the common rationalizations from the women's side.

I think it's bollocks.

If a woman wants some black stilletos, she'll go into credit card debt for em. But if she wants sex she won't ask? That doesn't make sense.

Recognizing and defying double standards - rather than hiding behind them is the way to progress.

OP - i'm assuming you can please her. But if you can't, you have no ground to stand on, and you better learn.

I just noticed....this is a stellar revelation.

Men post their female's masturbation issues in the sex forum.

Women post their male's masturbation issues in the family/relationships forum.

Things that make ya say hmmmmmm.

For a counterpoint, here is the latest "My husband doesn't initiate sex" thread.

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...tiate-sex.html

Read it. Immediately the blame falls to the man. Low sex drive, depression, ED, porn addiction...you name it.

Humorous. But at the same time, very very sad.

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

Being supremely candid, there seems to be a double standard regarding men and women masturbating.

I'm calling it right now. You're gonna get a bunch of probing questions that have to deal with you and your shortcomings, rather than questions about the person in the relationship who is fibbing and not showing any type of self control or love for her partner.

So i'm going to nip that in the bud right now and hopefully what I just said will provoke some productive discussion on the matter.

My take...and i'm a man...assuming you are able to bring her to orgasm...is that she just wants to have a quick outlet. Much like when you masturbate. You just want a quick outlet without much trouble.

Now - refusing your advances for masturbation is a reason for concern, especially so young in your relationship. It tells you that she would rather masturbate than have sex with you. Just wait until job stress, kid stress and the like. Marriage amplifies problems, it doesn't make them better or solve them.

You are going to have to talk to her. If she is masturbating all the time, this is a tough habit to break. See what changes she makes, and listen to what changes she wants you to make. You've got to put in effort just as she will have to.

Notice what she does, but don't police her - the last thing anyone wants is a watch dog. If she isn't able to change her attitude toward sex, you may have to rethink your engagement plans. Please, please do not get married or even start to plan a wedding before you two get this issue resolved.

Just curious - how did you find out if she was keeping it a secret?

Best of luck to you both.

I dont want to be a watchdog, or police her. I found out when I finally asked why she rarley came onto me (which she used to frequently)....then I started asking other questions, and after 3-4 conversations she finally told me the truth...(which even at this point seems, as mentioned earlier, definatley doesnt seem like the whole truth)...anyway, she always came onto to me before and even when she started to not, I would try more. I even thought about it different like I wasn't doing "someting" else not sex related right. The problem comes in that we only did 1-2 times on month during this time, and even after the conversations she says she doesnt feel any different about us or how much she "wanted" sex. So, in spite of making anything else worse, I back off in my own little corner and feel miserable about it. no matter how you slice it, its painful to know she would rather wait for me to go upstairs and take a shower and masturbate then want to come on to me. Again, and thats the part that is so frustrating....she adamantly claims, even at the time, that all she really wanted is sex. Obviously, choosing to do that yourself instead, and actively waiting for me to leave to do so, makes me feel like like she'd rather do that with herself than me. Like I said, I never refused her....and she always told me that we were open and honest about everything. The contradictions, and knowing these things make me feel like I dont really know her, and maybe never did. Our relationship (or so I thought) was awesome up til this point. It was that feeeling that I knew her and how she thought, to find out she has no problem lying to me, and still acting so happy.