simply_laconic

I just got out from an abusive relationship that lasted for about 2 years. People ask me how I stayed in that relationship for a long time, all I can think of is that we did not have any issue in sex or what he likes to call it "making love". We had that passion, crazy chemistry that I never had before and this guy satisfies me ALL THE TIME, once, twice, sometimes three times. Insanely, but true, thats why I always look for it from him, and suprisingly, he never failed to satisfy me but of course the downside is that his abusive, so it had to end. Now, within couple of months I started dating this guy, emotional connection is there, and everything else. Theres that connection, his good looking, nice, understanding, supportive you name it this guy is Mr. Good guy, total opposite of my ex but with all that being said, I feel like chemistry isn't there. And I start considering maybe he needs to work-out, coz he has a little bit of that beer belly. Go to the gym or something. I just dont get turned on. Im frustrated coz I dont know what to do. I dont even want to do it, when he comes over I make up excuses, I dont know. Oh yeah, my ex has less advantage (meaning physically) than this guy that Im currently dating so I dont know whats wrong.

I considered the fact that I get so turned off, this guy makes sounds when we make love. I dont know. I need help.

WildChild

Sounds like you aren't as over the earlier relationship as you think you are. You may have enjoyed the sex but perhaps hold an emotional association with the abusive behavior? At some level you may fear caring and opening up to this new man in your life because he is so good in other ways.

Consider this; he's good looking, nice, understanding, supportive, a real Mr.Good Guy, the total opposite of your ex, if the sex is really good too, where does that leave you if it doesn't work out? Are you waiting for the shoe to drop? The flaws to show up? When you've been mistreated and abused, it can be hard to believe that you won't be again. If the sex is good too, then this man is 10 for 10, and if it doesn't work out it'll be tough. The other guy you could be relieved to be away from. I'm guessing that your self protective mechanisms have kicked in, they can't make him a bad guy but they can block your sexual responsiveness and keep you from getting too close?

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

SinisterUrge

If there is no chemistry there is no chemistry. Find somebody you do connect with.

(Seriously, we have become a generation of "settlers")

GlitterAndStuds

It sounds to me like you need more time to get over your last relationship. 2 years is a pretty long time (these days), and on top of that it was an abusive one. When you think about it, 2 months is not a very long time to clear your head and get past all that, let alone enough to date a new guy.

You can't force chemistry. Sometimes it happens. Not every good guy is perfect for you... he could have a ton of great qualities, but if there's zip going on, that makes it difficult. I have to agree with Sinister. Don't settle for the guy just because he's nice. If you're making up excuses to not get intimate with him, that's not a good sign. Maybe he would be better as a friend to help you through a difficult time.

Either way, I think you need more time for yourself. Do things you love, hang out with your friends and be happy with yourself. It sounds very after school special-ish, but it works

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simply_laconic

Thank You for all your response. It does mean and makes a difference. After reading so many threads, people talking about their experiences I had no idea of the gravity I went through is actually affecting my life. Coming from an abusive relationship does takes a lot from a person.

I broke up with him, with good intentions. I have to say it was not easy. I know Im very confused right now, but I know one thing for sure is that I dont want to hurt and "use" anybody, or be with somebody out of pity, adding to that, damage somebody coz of what Im going through.

Life. Is really just a journey not a destination. I really appreciate the advices. And Im considering getting a therapy.

WildChild

Were we ever anything else? Aren't we're just settling for different reasons now?

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

Texasred

Laconic:
Why don't you either drop this new guy, or back off and get your head straight before you jump right into another relationship without really ending (in your head, at least) that old one?
If you don't like the new guy's beer belly, tell him so! Tell him you'll hold his feet down while he does situps, tell him it's the beer or you! Teach him how to shoot tequila!
But make something happen instead of just cruising along reacting to your life!

caterpillar79

Good point and true! We just shouldn't settle for less than what we deserve, should we?

I am currently browsing through my fiance's book about Intimate Communion by David Deida. I find it very interesting - it talks about awakening your sexual essence - I find this book helpful to me because my senses were numbed when I was in an abusive environment. You should read this too.

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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain.

nightqueen

Although he seems like a nice guy, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you. I think you do need more time and to try just dating some guys rather than getting in a full-fledged relationship.

Good luck!

WildChild

She has said she broke it off.

Take some time to be loving of yourself. You'll get there.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer