My ideal marriage

**PJhavinfunagain** · 10-26-2009 04:29 PM

Wow WC Great insight. I think I just had a revelation. You and Still learnin, made a comment about putting your own ego's and needs in a closet. I think I did that too or something similar. My emotional needs were not met for years. Maybe because of that it helped me loose my desire for sex or at least wanting sex with my DH. My feelings were hurt consistently among other emotional absence on the part of my DH. Hmmm... I wonder how many other women are dealing with this.

I do still have guilt though for denying my DH for so long and am grateful that we are seeing an improvement in our communication and our sexual relationship.

I really do love this forum!

**pretzel** · 10-27-2009 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

That's one reason I felt the need to post this. If it can help anybody else open up the line of communication with their spouse, please, be my guest. We've struggled with this problem for years. I basically shut down my sexual desires towards her because I was always cut off. If I expressed any sexual frustration she would tell me to grow up and get over it. I would just have to accept what I got. It was brutal. The frequency wasn't enough, the variety was totally lacking, I was going crazy with sexual frustration. I'm not getting any younger, and she isn't either. I don't have many more years to enjoy an active, passionate, sexual relationship. I was getting to the point of deciding if the rest of my life is going to be spent with her or not. This should be a turning point for us. God, I pray that it is. It's looking good so far.

And it's been going on for a couple of years now.

Aside from the sexual frustration my biggest frustration is over the fact that at 46 my wife seems unwilling to think about the possibility that the things that are causing very real problems in our marriage can be addressed (imho) and need to be addressed before it becomes too late. I don't like where we're going as a couple but as long as it remains one sided every little thing becomes a point of contention. And as selfish as it may sound, it's becoming more and more difficult the longer she denies to herself that there is a change in her life that is as natural as the day is long. It shouldn't be the end of the world but the beginning of a new phase.
If I could pierce that wall................

**WildChild** · 10-27-2009 08:35 AM

It's so sad there are people in both genders who develop this kind of thinking. They either resign themselves to, or actively create, a sexually negative environment. More and more research is finding that the cliche, use it or you lose it, is true with sex. It's also becoming apparent that many people continue to be sexually active well into their elder years. So, baring health issues, thinking that the clock is winding down sexually is only true if you make it so.

That makes dealing with the situation all the necessary. It's hard when you've made a commitment and kept it.

**pretzel** · 10-27-2009 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

It's so sad there are people in both genders who develop this kind of thinking. They either resign themselves to, or actively create, a sexually negative environment. More and more research is finding that the cliche, use it or you lose it, is true with sex. It's also becoming apparent that many people continue to be sexually active well into their elder years. So, baring health issues, thinking that the clock is winding down sexually is only true if you make it so.

That makes dealing with the situation all the necessary. It's hard when you've made a commitment and kept it.

Well said.

Thank you.

**StillLearnin** · 10-27-2009 08:44 AM

I plan on enjoying sex well into my 80s.
But I also plan on enjoying it now when I'm young and have the energy.
I've already wasted 25 years of my life sexually. I'm not going to waste the next 25. (note that I said sexually. my wife, marriage, family and kids are not a waste)
So the time is now to make some attitude adjustments, for both myself and my wife.

**Brian** · 10-27-2009 11:27 AM

The concept of marriage is outdated, it is from a time when women couldn't survive without a man and were literally sold off to the highest bidder. For some bizarre reason modern society has twisted it into something 'romantic'. I can't think of anything less romantic than gambling with years of my life.

I don't think people should get married. You have best friends, friends and acquaintances. But as long as nothing happens to make you hate someone they will always be friends. Even if you are in the best relationship ever as soon as you break up you hate each other. You would have been better just staying friends.

I think people put so much time and faith into a relationship they can't handle it when it ends.

I think monogamy is overrated and in today's society with the divorce rate more flexible extended families are the solution.

**WildChild** · 10-27-2009 11:41 AM

We are in a time of change. Thr long, dark time when," women couldn't survive without a man and were literally sold off to the highest bidder" was the result of laws and social customs designed to give men control over reproduction. It will take time to throw that off entirely, especially since there are many belief systems, some supported by governments, that are fighting tooth and nail to keep women locked up in every way possible.

When people come to love they often want to share that and formalise it. There is nothing wrong with that, it works for many people. The problem is the human tendency to assume that what works for me ought to work for everyone, or that my belief is the only "right" way and should be enforced on all - with bloodshed if needed.

We do need more options and people are creating them all the time. There are a lot of issues to be resolved. The fact that women actually earn less to man's dollar now than 20 yrs ago, that a frightening number of children live below the poverty line and that contraception methods are inadequate and have too many side effects (advancement on this in the US has been at a virtual stand still for a couple of decades). This needs time, awareness, cooperation and a loving, rational approach. Unfortunately humans have a history of not acting very rationally and often against their own interests.

**Brian** · 10-27-2009 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

We are in a time of change. Thr long, dark time when," women couldn't survive without a man and were literally sold off to the highest bidder" was the result of laws and social customs designed to give men control over reproduction. It will take time to throw that off entirely, especially since there are many belief systems, some supported by governments, that are fighting tooth and nail to keep women locked up in every way possible.

When people come to love they often want to share that and formalise it. There is nothing wrong with that, it works for many people. The problem is the human tendency to assume that what works for me ought to work for everyone, or that my belief is the only "right" way and should be enforced on all - with bloodshed if needed.

We do need more options and people are creating them all the time. There are a lot of issues to be resolved. The fact that women actually earn less to man's dollar now than 20 yrs ago, that a frightening number of children live below the poverty line and that contraception methods are inadequate and have too many side effects (advancement on this in the US has been at a virtual stand still for a couple of decades). This needs time, awareness, cooperation and a loving, rational approach. Unfortunately humans have a history of not acting very rationally and often against their own interests.

LMAO, WildChild your really full of it!

There are numerous different marital structures throughout time and across nations. The west has just adopted the abrahamic one. In my opinion anyone who thinks they will feel exactly the same as they do at one time as they will in 10 years time is an idiot. You can't predict the future. Nothing lasts for ever, and our biology suggests we are not supposed to be monogamous.

Originally Posted by WildChild

The fact that women actually earn less to man's dollar now than 20 yrs ago

I had to laugh, typical women's response to the differences in pay between men and women. Why can't women accept responsibility for their actions, and failings? Instead they blame a global conspiracy operated by men to oppress women!

The differences in pay are due to men prioritising financial rewards, while women prioritise peace of mind and emotional satisfaction. Of course feminist scum will try and use this as evidence of some vast injustice.

Women have never had it better. Employers are required by law to employ women to try and create a 50/50 workplace. Women get ridiculous amounts of benefits for having children, and men always get screwed when it comes to paying child support.

**GlitterAndStuds** · 10-27-2009 01:56 PM

Originally Posted by Brian

There are numerous different marital structures throughout time and across nations. The west has just adopted the abrahamic one. In my opinion anyone who thinks they will feel exactly the same as they do at one time as they will in 10 years time is an idiot. You can't predict the future. Nothing lasts for ever, and our biology suggests we are not supposed to be monogamous.

You kind of just proved her point, in a way. She said herself that what works for some people won't necessarily work for everyone. Marriage works amazing for some people, but clearly you don't think it would be good for you. Nothing wrong with that, it's how you feel about it.

You ARE right that we can't predict the future, there's no way to know how our relationships will be years from now. But that's why people shouldn't just get married on a whim to whoever (which unfortunately happens a lot these days), just because they like them a little. It takes a lot of consideration, and you do have to take monogamy into account.

Not everyone thinks the same way, which is fine. No need to be disrespectful.

**StillLearnin** · 10-27-2009 02:07 PM

I definitely believe in "to each his own." And I personally believe that having both parents at home to raise the children is the best way, which is why I'm trying so hard to make this work. I believe for a more stable and structured home (only if there's not any or much fighting and the parents are civil and respectful to each other) that both parents need to be there, and the children need the daily influences of their father being around. Dad just being there is important to the well-being of a child. But if the marriage isn't working and the kids are in a hostile environment, definitely get a divorce. It will be best for everybody.

Thread: My ideal marriage

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

This is where I'm at now,

Similar Threads

Do you have a wish list for an ideal partner?

Ideal Height.

Marriage ...

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions