My wife masturbates after she thinks I'm asleep...

**StillLearnin** · 11-18-2009 10:58 AM

I've done that quite a few times in bed late at night, hoping to not wake her up. Try to time it with the a/c or heater coming on.
There's some things that an SO doesn't want to know. You have to respect that. In the past 20 years she's walked in on me a couple of times taking care of business. She acted like nothing happened, then when I tried to talk to her about it she simply said "I don't want to know."
So hiding things from your SO can be a respectful thing to do. But honestly, I wish I didn't have to hide it so I could openly communicate my sexual needs with her. She doesn't want to know because I'm sure she doesn't want to get involved with satisfying my needs.
From my experience, it's good to respect your SO. But what I have learned is only to a point of where you realize your needs really aren't being met and some serious discussion is needed to help your SO understand that. And do that sooner than later because it will only get worse over time.

**Haven** · 11-18-2009 05:10 PM

This is a trust and communication issue.
He stated, "If I asked her she'd deny it."
In other words, she'd lie. That indicates a problem.

That lie would only be a problem if you see it as a problem. You would, because for you, the ideal is full-disclosure honesty. The point of a marriage in your eyes is that you can tell each other everything. That's only half of what trust really is, though. One half, the half you've got right, is the ability to be open with your partner. The other, more important half is the ability to be respectful of your partner when they aren't open with you.

As Beautiful Disaster said, not everyone wants to be an open book. If they're not telling you the truth, you don't have to take them at their word, but there's an alternative to thinking "problem" and calling their bluff. You can trust their judgment. You can know that omission, deception, and ambiguity serve a purpose, that these things fulfill needs even their owners sometimes don't fully understand, and you can trust your partner to have a good reason for being less than completely honest with you.

A relationship in which you can tell your partner everything is a great ideal, but when CAN becomes MUST, that's the end of trust. Asking someone to play with their cards face-up is the kind of thing you do when you don't trust them.

**blondie80** · 11-18-2009 05:48 PM

OTYA if she is shy generally about her sexuality then she probably wont say anything, most women are taught that masturbating is wrong or something they shouldn't do so that would be hard for some women to admit. Things like this all depend on the person and how they were braught up, if i was asked I say though simple, its not something I hide.
I made a deal with my partner a while ago that stated if he knew I was doing it and wanted to join in and help then he could because I would always prefer that but he didn't have too either it just depends on the moods and how the day has gone and how busy we have been.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-18-2009 07:39 PM

Haven - Beautifully and precisely said!

**caterpillar79** · 11-18-2009 08:27 PM

Originally Posted by Haven

That lie would only be a problem if you see it as a problem. You would, because for you, the ideal is full-disclosure honesty. The point of a marriage in your eyes is that you can tell each other everything. That's only half of what trust really is, though. One half, the half you've got right, is the ability to be open with your partner. The other, more important half is the ability to be respectful of your partner when they aren't open with you.

As Beautiful Disaster said, not everyone wants to be an open book. If they're not telling you the truth, you don't have to take them at their word, but there's an alternative to thinking "problem" and calling their bluff. You can trust their judgment. You can know that omission, deception, and ambiguity serve a purpose, that these things fulfill needs even their owners sometimes don't fully understand, and you can trust your partner to have a good reason for being less than completely honest with you.

A relationship in which you can tell your partner everything is a great ideal, but when CAN becomes MUST, that's the end of trust. Asking someone to play with their cards face-up is the kind of thing you do when you don't trust them.

Exactly what I have in mind.

**OhThereYouAre** · 11-19-2009 06:22 AM

Originally Posted by blondie80

OTYA if she is shy generally about her sexuality then she probably wont say anything, most women are taught that masturbating is wrong or something they shouldn't do so that would be hard for some women to admit.

Generic sterotype. I was also taught that masturbation wasn't a good thing. I got it from my father who was raised in a 3rd world country, my mother who is pretty religious and from my athletic coaches. It didn't stop me. So bollocks on that idea.

Also - I'd also say that most women are taught that lying is wrong and something they shouldn't do.

-------------

Haven you write very eloquently. But I disagree still.

I'd expect full disclosure, yes. If i'm not emotionally satisfying my partner, I want to know. If i'm not sexually satisfying my partner, I want to know. This simple communication may keep bigger problems from arising down the road.

We all may try and sugar coat and rationalize white lies, but-

Communication - isn't that what we rave about here EVERYDAY? Don't we regard it as the capstone of a successful relationship?

White lies like this turn into big ones. We all know this.

Yes, I trust my partner's better judgement. I wouldn't be with her otherwise. But I trust her better judgement because she has shown herself to be a honest person. I respect her because she makes decisions that she is confident enough about to not feel ashamed or embarassed. As a result she is comfortable sharing her actions.

**blondie80** · 11-19-2009 03:22 PM

Ok let me try and put this another way, if you are having sex as much as you can possibly handle it and you think your sex life is absolutely awesome the way it is would it then shatter you to find out that thats still not enough sex for your partner? Would then every time she told you that she masturbated would not have a negative effect on you at all? I can nearly garauntee that nearly every highly sexual woman has done this at some point, we all hit peaks when we want it more than our partners but it can damage our partners ego's and make them feel like they are not doing enough especially when they are doing all they can?
While you are right OTYA it would be very nice to know that your not satisfying your partners every need and whim, but when you know the smallest thing you do wrong and there is most likely something very small every day can you honestly say that it wouldn't bring you down? Sometimes tact comes into it as much as honesty, there has to be small lines drawn into the sand or otherwise no one would be happy with their relationships because no one would feel like they were doing enough.
Everyone is different, I do talk to my partner about everything, if he asks I tell and if he doesn't and I feel compelled to tell I do, but think of the situations when you have had a really bad day and you may feel as sick as a dog and you could be for a few days and your gf is really going to tell you in that time your not meeting her sexual expectations? Im sure that would be appropriate.
Ok I have had my rant for the moment lol.

**stabilo** · 02-02-2010 05:12 AM

My wife and I have been together for 11 years (I'm 30 she is 35)

When we first got together on the subject of masturbation she said that she didn't! Being an 18 year old male I didn't believe her, but she convinced me she felt no need to.

Over Christmas we had had a few drinks and it came out kind of randomly that around 6 months to a year ago she had started masturbating quite frequently.

We have sex 1 - 2 time per week and to be honest it has been that way for a good few years, I have always wanted more (as men usually do) and have always masturbsated, in fact sometimes I would stay up to masturbate rather than going to bed together. (although this is not something I would be honest about)

Last night I woke in the night and her breathing was very heavy I was sure she'd been masturbating. I have been feeling really jealous and today I feel horrible, I know that I shouldn't nad masturbation is natural and something to be enjoyed, I just feel like i've lost something especially when she didn't used to.

I actually think that she is probably masturbating daily.

I feel genuinly gutted, I feel completly wrong for feeling this way, please help me.

**manspoint** · 02-02-2010 05:59 AM

I actually wrote a short erotic story about this.
We are both in bed, thinking the other is asleep and masturbating. Then we silently start helping each other......and so it goes.

I like to get my wife to touch herself during our foreplay. It is a huge turn on. And I do it for her too. We are all about pleasuring each other and ourselves and the hornier we get the better.

**manspoint** · 02-02-2010 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by blondie80

Ok let me try and put this another way, if you are having sex as much as you can possibly handle it and you think your sex life is absolutely awesome the way it is would it then shatter you to find out that thats still not enough sex for your partner? Would then every time she told you that she masturbated would not have a negative effect on you at all? I can nearly garauntee that nearly every highly sexual woman has done this at some point, we all hit peaks when we want it more than our partners but it can damage our partners ego's and make them feel like they are not doing enough especially when they are doing all they can?
While you are right OTYA it would be very nice to know that your not satisfying your partners every need and whim, but when you know the smallest thing you do wrong and there is most likely something very small every day can you honestly say that it wouldn't bring you down? Sometimes tact comes into it as much as honesty, there has to be small lines drawn into the sand or otherwise no one would be happy with their relationships because no one would feel like they were doing enough.
Everyone is different, I do talk to my partner about everything, if he asks I tell and if he doesn't and I feel compelled to tell I do, but think of the situations when you have had a really bad day and you may feel as sick as a dog and you could be for a few days and your gf is really going to tell you in that time your not meeting her sexual expectations? Im sure that would be appropriate.
Ok I have had my rant for the moment lol.

Blondie...that wasn't a rant. That was perfectly said.
There is a time and place for everything, including the truth.
I am open and honest with my wife. We sometimes (rarely) masturbate together and she knows I masturbate alone. That doesn't mean I am going to say "Hey babe, just going to have a wank. Back soon"
Masturbation is however, quite different to sex, I believe. It is a different release of pent up tension, and lets face it, no one can do it the same as yourself. Not saying it's better...just different.
However, solo masturbation after sex suggests either a too high sex drive or non-satisfying sex. Both which should be looked into. That would be hard to accept I think...we've just had great sex in my opinion and you need to masturbate. WT?

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