(man here) Can't take it any more

**Swiftus** · 11-19-2009 02:10 PM

Many of you know me from month's past. I have had issues with a wife that has zero sex drive.

We are trying to have kids... somehow my wife must expect an angel to come down and impregnate her. , I had a bilateral vericocele ligation to make me more fertile. I think we've had sex three times in 6 weeks.

For instance, today we both somehow were home from 11am until 330pm. I went down stairs and suggestively asked her if I could borrow her for a few.. that was around 11:30am. She said right after she does a little more work. Okay... at around 12:30pm I bring some dishes downstairs and she said let's go after someone comes over and picks something up (12:45pm). At 1:00pm she said that she has to finish an application. I quit trying at this point.

Now getting to the part that REALLY pisses me off. At 3:00pm I take a shower (secretly hoping she'd hop in). I know she had to leave at 3:30. At 3:20pm after I dried off, she comes into our bedroom and offers her "butt" ... that means some doggie... and that I'd have to be really quick about it. I decline. She makes some rude remark and tries to make me feel like the guilty party. That's bull if you ask me.

I've been asked to never beg so I don't. I honestly quit asking for it much at all. Any time I have gotten any

We've discussed it and she can't have the conversation without her throwing up her arms and telling me how horrible she is and that she's a terrible lover, blah blah blah........ so, that's out. Even our neighbor Stacey said to her "keep him f'd".

I always compliment her, tell her how sexxy she is, I send fun/kinky texts, I buy flowers, make fires, make dinner, buy wine, buy lingerie, offer to scratch/rub/lick/touch/tickle,.... My return, "you've got 5 minutes and you'd better hurry".

So here I am:

1. 31 year old man with a good drive.
2. 31 year old woman with none.
3. Woman will not discuss this much.

I really wish sex wasn't so darn important.

**WildChild** · 11-19-2009 02:14 PM

Hi Swiftus,
Sorry you are still fighting this.
I really, really encourage you to get this resolved BEFORE you have children.

**Swiftus** · 11-19-2009 02:20 PM

Yulp, still fighting.

It got better for awhile and then, with the temperature outside, my wife's drive bottomed out.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-19-2009 02:23 PM

Do you have to "ask?"..

If my man walked behind me and kissed the nape of my neck whilst I was doing the dishes for instance, I'd more than likely turn around and kiss him, feel him against me and go from there.

If he "asked" I'd feel like it was a "chore" I had to do it, there is no sexual tension of even 2 seconds built up, to give me the desire, just a question for me to answer.

Wondering that's all, if you can just change that pattern and what she would do, if you did?

**StillLearnin** · 11-19-2009 02:24 PM

Been there, done that.

I lived for years going through what you are dealing with. But I finally decided that it wasn't working for me any more, so a couple of years ago I started telling her what my needs are. Sometimes not very nicely. But we have got through it so far.

Here's what I finally had to do to get her attention. Well, this, and there was one other big statement I made this past March that really caused her to listen to me and start taking me seriously. Then it was threatening to leave if she didn't change. The latest, which you can read about in the thread "My ideal marriage," was a result of her telling me that I'm wanting to live in a fantasy world, but she did suggest for me to write down what I really need in the marriage so I can express more clearly to her.

I have heard all kinds of advice like "be more romantic," "play sexy music to put her in the mood," "offer her hot baths," "give back rubs." Well, you won't hear any of that advice from me because I have lived my life pleasing her all these years. So what I have to suggest is practical advice from a guy that has been there with the exact same problem. You can only give so many back rubs or whatever. Enough is enough. I decided no more walking on egg shells to try to make her "comfortable" and "relaxed" enough to want to take the time for our physical relationship. The problem is, you and I have been "trained." Now we are breaking free and standing up for our needs that have been ignored forever. All men unite!

So here is what I came up with:

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...-marriage.html

She was scared to read it when I gave it to her. And I was scared for her to read it. But after I put it in easy to understand terms, she finally understood what I need in this marriage. The only thing she wasn't sure about was the frequency. But we're working on that.

Hang in there. It will probably work out for both of you if you can be patient. But, I do understand how patience runs thin after years of going through that.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-19-2009 02:34 PM

I completely agree with wildchild on putting off having kids until you guys work through this issue that is so important for your happiness. If she doesn't want sex with you now, pregnancy, being up all night with a baby etc... your looking at way less sex than your practically non exsistent sex life already has (doesn't have).

Then if you decide to end up ending the relationship you have kids futures your dealing with etc. Work this out before the babies, it's only fair to you, her and your possible future children.

If she doesn't enjoy sex, gets no pleasure, than doing it with you IS going to be a chore for her. Think of something you don't enjoy and how her asking you to do it all the time would lead to some resentment etc.

This will not resolve itself smoothly unless she can learn to enjoy the sensations her body gives her during sex, enjoy the act and learn to desire it with you. Anything other than that will just be her compromising to make you happy -- which is great, but it will still feel like a chore to her and you will feel undesirable and that you are getting obligitory pitty sex from her.

Not good for either of you. Does she experience orgasms? Was there EVER a point in the relationship that she enjoyed sex? Does she like other forms of affection? Cuddling... hand-holding , etc?

**StillLearnin** · 11-19-2009 02:38 PM

One nice thing about the result of my insistence on change is that my wife has learned different forms of making love, of having sex. She's now experiencing sensations and experiences that she never knew before. She is getting more sensual, and is enjoying sex more.
Sometimes it takes some drastic measures to make positive change happen.

**LanaBear** · 11-19-2009 02:38 PM

*sigh*

I'm the female half of that problem you two have... I was like this with my husband for years, more than I'd like to admit. I don't know why, it wasn't like that when we first got together...

He'd bring it up, I'd argue, same thing as above. It was my only defense because I KNEW I was in the wrong. It's a hard thing to admit and an even harder thing to correct.

However, I'm living, walking proof that sometimes things will change, she'll get it back. I did with a serious lustful vengeance, can't keep my hands off him now...

Good luck!

**StillLearnin** · 11-19-2009 03:38 PM

My SO's excuse has always been "but I don't need it as much as you!" So she didn't want to go there with me to be more frequent and adventurous. Her needs were being met (sexually, which is about 1/8th of mine, emotionally, and by my support for her and the family), which is all she cared about. Pretty one sided relationship, isn't it?

**LanaBear** · 11-19-2009 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

My SO's excuse has always been "but I don't need it as much as you!" So she didn't want to go there with me to be more frequent and adventurous. Her needs were being met (sexually, which is about 1/8th of mine, emotionally, and by my support for her and the family), which is all she cared about. Pretty one sided relationship, isn't it?

Sadly, yes, I used that excuse plenty of times...

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