Thread: No sex/porn/sex fantasy addiction/???respect????

There is hope, but I recommend you put the marriage plans on hold until this is resolved. My wife and I faced a similar situation a few years ago when we were engaged. It took some serious work to really get to understanding what was going on but it was worth it. We're now happier than we ever thought we could be.

My looking at porn and checking out other women upset her greatly but were things that I didn't want to give up. I protested that it didn't affect our relationship or how I felt about her but she couldn't deal with it and considered leaving. We committed to working to try to understand what was going on for each other.

In a nutshell, we learned that everything we do is an attempt to meet some basic human need but often the way we go about it doesn't work out very well. I was actually seeking a greater level of intimacy but I feared the vulnerability of opening up to her. I was trying to protect myself from the potential pain of losing her. And I was trying to protect her from the part of me that felt depraved.

For me, porn was an attempt to seek that intimacy but obviously it wasn't a great strategy. With my background of viewing porn in this oversexualized society, it seemed like the only 'safe' alternative to me. When I finally saw this strategy was not working, things began to change for us and we started to build trust in each other.

This was a profound experience for both of us. As we began to open up and discuss it with others, we found many had struggled with the same kind of problems who encouraged us to write about it and share it with others. We set up *edited outbound link* to help others deal with similar issues.

I hope you and your partner are able to find a way to deal with this situation like my wife and I did. There IS hope.