Hot mess- need your input

**c.chandler** · 12-05-2009 01:03 PM

Been with same guy (romantically and sexually) for 5 years.

He's nice looking (scale 1-10...he's 6.5-7.5). I don't like our sex life. I fake most of the orgasms though he can give me one if I'm on top. So technically, I'm giving myself one. I've never had one otherwise.

I hate when he goes down on me. So uncomfortable...I get all squirmy. Sometimes he tries to finger me and I CAN'T STAND it. It feels horrible and kind of grosses me out. He ends up getting kind of frustrated with me because I can't let go and relax and I don't enjoy those two things.

Question-- is there something wrong with me? Does this mean we really have no future together? I feel like it's really unhealthy for me to have faked orgasms for 5 years, right? I don't trust him -- #1 because he hasn't put a ring on my finger. 2- I recently found out he's been taking some girl out and sending dirty texts to another (I decided to forgive him because he said he didnt sleep with him). But I still have major trust issues.

Should I stick it out or get the out? Also, does anyone else have the same sexual issues that i do or is that just toally weird?

**the wench** · 12-05-2009 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by c.chandler

Been with same guy (romantically and sexually) for 5 years.

He's nice looking (scale 1-10...he's 6.5-7.5). I don't like our sex life. I fake most of the orgasms though he can give me one if I'm on top. So technically, I'm giving myself one. I've never had one otherwise.

I hate when he goes down on me. So uncomfortable...I get all squirmy. Sometimes he tries to finger me and I CAN'T STAND it. It feels horrible and kind of grosses me out. He ends up getting kind of frustrated with me because I can't let go and relax and I don't enjoy those two things.

Question-- is there something wrong with me? Does this mean we really have no future together? I feel like it's really unhealthy for me to have faked orgasms for 5 years, right? I don't trust him -- #1 because he hasn't put a ring on my finger. 2- I recently found out he's been taking some girl out and sending dirty texts to another (I decided to forgive him because he said he didnt sleep with him). But I still have major trust issues.

Should I stick it out or get the out? Also, does anyone else have the same sexual issues that i do or is that just toally weird?

it doesnt seem as if you are compatible if you squirm!

**Futureboy** · 12-05-2009 01:30 PM

Seems like you have two questions in one my interpretation:

1)My boyfriend is emotionally unfaithful, should I dump him?

For me emotional monogamy is more important than sexual monogamy. Love is not just based on sex. Personally I would be more inclined to forgive a SO if they got drunk and shagged someone than someone who set out to hide something from my they knew I would not accept.

2) I am not getting as much out of my sex life as I want, what can I do?

There are many questions I need to ask to understand whether this is a phsycological issue or a physical one. Based on the above I assume it is phsycological.

You're not getting the sex you deserve because either he is c r ap in bed or you cant emotionally bond with him, probably the later. Based on the fact he is 'not emotionally present' IMHO Cut your losses move on you can do it and the next guy might not be the one but chances are he will good enough to give you some hot sex

Normally I'd write more on #2 but sort #1 and #2 goes away

Good luck

**c.chandler** · 12-05-2009 01:31 PM

Yeah..I guess it's not normal not to like oral sex. It just grosses me out. I feel like I'm being molested or something. I probably need to see a shrink. I mean, sometimes I can just lay there and pretend to like it (mind wanders and I start getting bored) and other time I down right hate it. Just want to kick his face.

Wow, I have problems. Oh well...feels good to get this out in the open.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-05-2009 01:33 PM

I feel like I am almost talking to my chandler

To have an orgasm on top is because you are able to reach the spot yourself, exactly at the pace you want, when your ready and you can concentrate on this.

Not many women for some reason experience vaginal orgasms, most can achieve cliteral orgasms.

We as women, were bought up that sex is to have babies and so many girls were aware of bj's but not a man going down on a woman and for what ever reason, she gets it in her head, it's discusting.

A free spirit just goes with the flow and experiements and learns and likes, but a person who is slightly closed to these thoughts can't get it past their brain that it's actually "intimacy" with our S/O.

It's a mental thought that you have to overcome that's all, there is nothing wrong with you, you feel un-comfortable about it do you feel "dirty" over it?

Read up on it more, WC will share book titles I am sure with you of what to read.

Once your get your mind around the fact it's no different than you giving your husband a blow job, then you will be able to face it in a different light, unless you don't do that either?

I don't think it's a matter of whether he's put a ring on your finger or not, it's a matter of whether you two can communicate about these things and work on exploring each other, you may not like the way he does it, he may not make you feel comfortable, kissing you, touching your face, telling you your beautiful, looking at your body and telling you it's beautiful, slowly touching your thighs, legs, and going from there, or he may simple go straight there which doesn't make you feel "special/loved"...

You have to have compatibility in your lives in many ways and feel that bond and love, to share the rest of your lives together.

Not be accustomed to years together and expect this is it, it has to be, you've been together for years.

Faking it is lying is it not?

Texting other women, is emotionally cheating is it not?

Asking about it, and establishing he hasn't slept with her/them and forgiving is hiding behind the issues, problems is it not?

It's time to discuss exactly what you love and don't love in bed, how you want to be treated in love making, intimacy, what he wants and needs, how he likes to be touched, do you both even know your weak spots, on your body?

It's time to be open and honest, including why he hasn't put a ring on your finger yet, it seems that you both just blow things off, and accept, so consequently, never fixing the problem.

CW

**c.chandler** · 12-05-2009 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by Futureboy

Seems like you have two questions in one my interpretation:

1)My boyfriend is emotionally unfaithful, should I dump him?

For me emotional monogamy is more important than sexual monogamy. Love is not just based on sex. Personally I would be more inclined to forgive a SO if they got drunk and shagged someone than someone who set out to hide something from my they knew I would not accept.

2) I am not getting as much out of my sex life as I want, what can I do?

There are many questions I need to ask to understand whether this is a phsycological issue or a physical one. Based on the above I assume it is phsycological.

You're not getting the sex you deserve because either he is c r ap in bed or you cant emotionally bond with him, probably the later. Based on the fact he is 'not emotionally present' IMHO Cut your losses move on you can do it and the next guy might not be the one but chances are he will good enough to give you some hot sex

Normally I'd write more on #2 but sort #1 and #2 goes away

Good luck

I appreciate it. That's what I was thinking. But 5 years, man. Coming up on 6! That's a LONG time to be with someone. I've invested a lot into this. We know each other so well and he really is my best friend and I am his. He's just...I dunno. Not willing to committ. When I found out about the other girl, he lost it. Promised to marry me by this month. Then backed out of it due to me still being untrusting and constantly nagging and questioning him. He said he's paying on a ring that's ready in March. I think he's a LIAR. It's like he can't help it.

UUUGH. Relationships suck. Maybe I should just go out and have some fun.

**c.chandler** · 12-05-2009 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

It's time to be open and honest, including why he hasn't put a ring on your finger yet, it seems that you both just blow things off, and accept, so consequently, never fixing the problem.

CW

Thank you very much for your input. Well put. We definitely have been blowing the issues off. I broke up with him FOR GOOD (like I have 10 other times before) last night. We were sitting down enjoying the evening when he got a text. He shifted away from me as to keep me from seeing his phone and of couse I HAD to ask:

"Uh...who are you texting?" The big sigh ensued and he just shook his head and said "You're not ready for this" in which I said "Yeah...you're right." Got my stuff and walked out. He said "Im not chasing after your anymore." I said "Awesome. Buh bye now."

After I caught him texting and seeing the other woman, he promised soooo many things. One of which was, I'll do ANYTHING to keep you in my life. So shouldn't the mofo answer me when I ask who he's texting? Guess not. If I don't trust, there's no hope. What a jerk. Had to go and do a stupid thing and ruin what couldve been a great relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-05-2009 01:52 PM

Haha, your threads already turning....

"Your not ready for this?"... To me says, he's enjoying what ever it is he's doing.

"I'm not chasing you again", means to me "You'll be back, in the meantime, I can continue and you won't change it" You keep forgiving....

Be tough on this one, stay away for a while, let him see what he's missing, lost, and that he was wrong, your serious.

But then seriously, if you do go back later, communicate, skirting around problems AND hiding behind them, don't solve them sweet.

If that can't happen it never ever will.

CW

**c.chandler** · 12-05-2009 02:00 PM

Problem solved. Thank you, Chandlers Wish.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-05-2009 02:13 PM

Don't you nick off now, start another thread, join the lounge, reply to more posts

I like having a mini me here, chandler

Thread: Hot mess- need your input

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Hot mess- need your input

Similar Threads

Just a mess!

inlaw mess

WOW what a mess

i'm a mess, advice please?

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions