Back in the saddle

**StillLearnin** · 12-14-2009 07:31 AM

If I seemed so focused it was because, well, I WAS focused on my needs. I've been focused on hers forever. It's my turn now. I'm not going to apologize for that...

**WildChild** · 12-14-2009 07:36 AM

The pendulum swings, sounds like you both got stuck and out of sync. I think we all do it, at least you took action; started tinkering, cleaning and adjusting. Too many people just give up and either trash it or give up and start collecting dust.

**StillLearnin** · 12-14-2009 08:06 AM

When I set my mind to something I'm a determined and driven man. I was determined to force some changes in the marriage to make it work better for my needs, which weren't being met at all. If things didn't change I was ready to start over. (that's one reason why I didn't want to get the vasectomy) I had plenty of other options. But I chose to stay with my wife and my family, and chose to make it work for me (ultimately for us and our children) by forcing the issues.

One thing about my positive attitude change was that I always ended a thought or conversation with "we'll see how it goes" (which left me an out to the marriage). Now I'm not thinking that way. I'm staying positive for now on about this marriage because things are great now. No more caveats (outs) from me. And I used the word "hopefully" a lot (actually I've lived on that word the past 25 years). I no longer live on hope, and I no longer live with thinking the end is possibly near ("we'll see" attitude). I now live on what IS today. Right now. If things change for the worse for me I'll deal with it then and only then.

Used to be I would do the good deeds for her and "hope" it helps her feel better or whatever so I can get some that week. Of course I did/do those things because I really want to, because I think it's only fair to take an active partner role in the home and family. I was speaking her "love language." In return I hoped to be spoken to in my love language (physical needs).

Now I still do those things because I want to. But I don't "hope" that my needs will be met. Now I know they will be met. And if they aren't, I address them and resolve the issue immediately.

Sorry, I'm rambling.