Thread: Boyfriend's Sexual past (help me please)

Hey,

So I have big issues. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and I seem to have a problem with his sexual past. He was my first but I wasn't his. He had 3 girls before me, 2 of them which were sort of a one night stand and another which he slept with like a couple times and he had no relationship with (which makes me his first gf but he was not my first boyfriend).
I keep asking these questions about what he did and didn't do with them and get incredibly mad, judgemental and even hurtful towards him when he answers.
He's never cheated on me or given me any reason to believe he has, he does almost everything I ask him to do and he's amazing to me. However I frown upon what he did before me even though it was way over a year before we were together.
I have tried to talk myself out of asking him these things but I haven't been able to do so.
I know that this could potentially harm my relationship but i can't get myself to stop. I need some advice. Has anybody been in this position before? I need help! I really do love him and don't want to keep hurting him and hurting myself like this.

From a man's perspective:

First of all, you need to get over his sexual past. If you have religious reasons why you disapprove then he isn't the man for you. If it's jealousy you definitely need to get past that. He had a life before you, and none of his past should affect the way he feels about you. If he truly loves you it doesn't matter.

From my experience, like him, I had a lot of experience (9 compared to his 3) before dating my wife. The only real thing that it has caused me was to know what an active sex life was like before her. It sometimes causes comparisons to occur, and possible dissatisfaction. To me, from a religious perspective, I think the sin of premarital sex is to avoid the possible problem it might cause later. Making comparisons is not healthy to a marriage. I really don't want to get into a religious debate here. That's just my take on what the possible reason is to not have pre-marital sex. Makes sense to me.

Learn what his past is now. Have a "full disclosure" session with him to get everything out on the table. If you decide you can't handle it and you don't approve, time to move on. But most guys you will find have a sexual history. It's just what we do.

Good luck!

Does it upset you that he slept with them without being in a relationship with them or that you weren't his first and he has more sexual experience than you?

Hi, thanks for answering. No, it's not for religious reasons, I have never believed in the sin of premarital sex or anything. I am an incredibly jealous person though.
I tend to have a problem with only one of the three women just because when we were first dated he told me she was meaningless unwanted sex and then he started dropping "new information bombs" to me.
I tend to ask him random questions about this, I never pry on his other experiences it's always this one.
I know I have to let go, I really do, but I get stuck here somehow.

The way I look at it is that when I'm in a relationship the only information that is anyone's business (mine or his) is whether or not we are both STD free. What we did with whom is no one's business, including a current boyfriend or girlfriend. Worry about the present relationship. Jealousy will kill an otherwise good relationship, but you know you need to work on it and get past it. So maybe if you are feeling curious and feel like asking him about it again, take a minute to think to yourself about letting it go and not being jealous. He's with you and not with them and that's all that should matter.

I agree, it is best if you leave his past in the past. I have been in this situation before and it sucked. I dated a woman for 3 years who was a virgin and she never ever could deal with the fact that I had a sexual past. She was saving herself for marriage, but kept comparing our relationship to the others of my past (i.e. was she w/o sex better than others w/ sex). I think this eventually contributed significantly to the eventual breakup of the relationship.

I would encourage you to live in the now. He is with you because he wants to be with you. If you feel it too, then go with it. Enjoy it. Don't let a real or imagined past interfere unless there is genuine reason for concern.

Thank you for your answers.. I was feeling "curious" today and I know I was going to ask him and ruin his day (he's out of the country for the holidays).
I don't want it to end so I better stop.
Thanks everyone.

I like asking my husband's past and I occasionally comment on my own. We generally laugh about it especially since we both have some insane exs that keep contacting us occasionally. It helps both of us to know each others experiences and where we stand especially when it comes to sex. Somewhere he has pictures of all the women he had sex with. He removed them off this laptop when I went looking. :/ Although he did offer to show them to me once when I was complaining it's hard to know if you look normal when there are few pictures of naked normal people anywhere.

Why does it matter to you what he did with someone previously? Very few people find a long term relationship their first time. In fact I suggest finding a guy with some experience. I've been in relationships with a few virgins (who aren't anymore :P) and so has my sister. We ended up making an agreement to never date another guy who hadn't been in a serious relationship and dumped before. It's a huge learning experience that forces someone to grow up. In my experience both men and women end up being much nicer and accomodating in future relationships after a few failed ones. 2 virgins together also makes it a bit more difficult to figure things out. Not impossible and a handful of people enjoy that kind of relationship but still more difficult.

I think it's foolish to say "just get over it", if it's something that bothers you then it's something that bothers you. The thing I will agree with however is figuring out what the problem you have it. If the issue is disclosure (seems that way) then like others have suggested, spend some time laying it all out on the table.

Bottom line, if this is something that continues to bother you it may hurt the relationship later. That being said, i'd suggest coming to terms with your issue with his history, then figure out a way around it. If he's that important to you, you will find a way.

If you're a jealous person, NOT knowing his sexual past would be best. But since you know already, it's too late, no matter what you do you're always going to feel this way about him. So even now, stop asking him about it because the more you know, the more upset you're going to be with him.

Either let it go or leave him...because he can find someone else who WON'T judge him on his past or get jealous...and you can find some perfect little virgin boy who never had sex before. It's not like he gave you some STD or slept with 100s of women (there are men like that), so whats the big deal? Do you want a man with experience or not.

I'm sorry to be blunt hun, but you set yourself up to get upset. Now that you got the information, either take it or leave it. It's not like he can go back into his past and undo any sexual acts he's done. A man can only apologize for so many things...having sex isn't one of them.