Thread: I am confused but I have to let this out

I am close to 40 yrs old. I have a child. I've been with my husband over 10 years...

in the beginning I am the one who wanted sex all the time. Then I got depression and I wasn't interested in sex anymore.

My husband, he can't sleep without sex. He gets really frustrated, he can't concentrate, he gets really grumpy and his negative energy makes me really anxoius too. I strart to feel guilty and I just hate to see him not being able to sleep and all that, I let him do it.

I am not sure if it's beucase all the meds that I am taking or stress or pressures... sex started to hurt again. I don't like foreplay. I just ask my husband to finish asap. I know all the problems...

I've just realized that my husband pretty much been raping me all these years... there were times I did use word "NO" before but he didn't listen.
I didn't want to be pathetic so I just accepted... this is the way it's supposed to be...

I don't know... I am going through so much right now and I am keep realizing so many things (the wrong things)

I just don't know what to do...

where do I go for help???

Its never okay for your husband to have sex with you when you say no. It is possible for a woman to be raped in a relationship... your body is always yours and you can say no.

I think though it would be worth seeking help for your own personal issues and for him to seek help with his and for both of you to seek help together.

It is of course grossly innappropriate for him to have sex with you when you say no, if you are doing it saying just get it over with... and just feel like your being raped because you don't like sex and he pressures you for it that is a different problem, but both are problems.

Becuase you consider yourself to be asexual and not interested, and have a husband that is interested in sex... I'm not sure what the compromise could be. Surely he can't expect you to perform with him when you don't want to and surely you can't expect for him to live out the rest of his marriage without something as essential as sex, if he is a sexual person.

It seems in your case, that without heavy counseling for your marriage it is not headed anywhere good. He needs to understand how he is able to perform sex with someone who doesn't want it and be okay with that. You need to understand how you are okay with performing sex when you don't want it. And you both will have decide if you want to work on your sexuality to try to figure out how to enjoy again, enough to at least meet him half way or this just isn't going to work.

You are resenting him for wanting sex when you don't... and he will resent chosing to be faithful and celebate.

Its not good for your self esteem to do things for his pleasure only and its not good for his self esteem to feel like he is undesired by you.

If in fact he is just forcing you and not just guilting/coercing you... than that is a whole different set of issues that will obviously not help you progress toward enjoying sex and would turn him into disconnecting emotions from sex in order to essentially 'rape' his wife.

I am so sorry for your situation and hope that you can get a marriage counselor and a therapist for you alone as well... and one for him alone too.

How does he treat you outside of the bedroom? Do you feel loved Ever? Is he affectionate ? Are you? Is there any saving grace to this relationship?

All antidepressants have the possible side effect of no sex drive. It's actually one of the main complaints from people who take them and some times the entire reason people stop them. Depression will kill it as well so you have 2 things ruining any desire for sex. It takes more effort to get in the mood. You should communicate these things to your husband and he should be willing to try to help you. You may have to get creative and experiment to find something that turns your sex drive back on. The more you are exposed to things that make you think about it in a positive way the more you usually feel like doing it. Having sex out of guilt and on top of it having it be uncomfortable when you do will also make you feel less and less like sex so only increase the problem. He shouldn't force you and you shouldn't give in. That needs to stop if either of you wants your sex drive and enjoyment from it to improve again.

At the same time his needs should not go unfulfilled either. People need sex and not getting it will make them depressed and lower their mood. Causing him depression by ignoring his needs is not really anymore right than ignoring yours. However a compromise should be made instead of one person suffering. If nothing else when I'm not in the mood I at least will take the time to give my husband a hand (literally). He accepts being content with that when necessary and I make sure to keep the mindset that it's not a chore but something that keeps him happy just like he tries to make me happy. There have been occasions where he takes care of things himself because I'm sick and occasions where I've taken care of myself. Overall though we make it a goal that neither person feels the need to do that. Once you start thinking of it as a chore instead of a good part of the relationship it's all downhill. It takes a lot of work on the part of both people to break that line of thinking.

What do you still enjoy doing? Whether it's small or big come up with some things and tell him. If you have to then make it a mandatory requirement if he wants sex so long as it's something reasonable. Sometimes I do tell my husband to stop playing games and lay down to watch a movie with me or he doesn't get any sex for awhile. The response is sometimes "when I finish this" and 2 hours go by but he usually pays more attention to me the next day when that happens. It at least makes him remember that if he wants me to feel like having sex he has to keep me from feeling neglected and depressed. If he doesn't keep me from feeling neglected I don't feel like sex, he knows it, and I spend an evening hanging on his shoulder threatening to unplug his laptop cause it will survive just long enough on battery for him to log out of his game before dying. Sometimes when we haven't gone anywhere for weeks my sex drive and mood drop and I make the demand that we go see a movie or something if he wants my sex drive back. These are little things that aren't difficult and are good for our relationship. Not anything that should make him less happy. If something big does come up he usually does try to fix it without any demands or requests so long as I tell him whats wrong. Go communicate. Tell him you are unhappy, tell him what might help fix it, and tell him you won't feel like sex until then.

My sex drive would be nil if my husband treated me like a piece of meat or an object too. I was married to a man like this. If I didn't have sex with him, he griped and argued about it daily. He cheated, told me he wanted to buy hookers, threatened me with not supporting me financially anymore if I didn't sleep with him more, all because I only had sex with him once a week. I had never felt like a prostitute like I did with him. To him, I was an object to be used for his own gratification, not a person with feelings that he wanted to please too. Sex normally is a mutual act between 2 people where they both value the others feelings, and want to bring the other pleasure. What he has been doing to you is wrong, and I can only imagine how callous he must be towards you in other aspects of your relationship as well. Please see a counselor about this.

Originally Posted by danceintx

My sex drive would be nil if my husband treated me like a piece of meat or an object too. I was married to a man like this. If I didn't have sex with him, he griped and argued about it daily. He cheated, told me he wanted to buy hookers, threatened me with not supporting me financially anymore if I didn't sleep with him more, all because I only had sex with him once a week. I had never felt like a prostitute like I did with him. To him, I was an object to be used for his own gratification, not a person with feelings that he wanted to please too. Sex normally is a mutual act between 2 people where they both value the others feelings, and want to bring the other pleasure. What he has been doing to you is wrong, and I can only imagine how callous he must be towards you in other aspects of your relationship as well. Please see a counselor about this.

The woman refusing her husband sex has reduced herself to a piece of meat.

It's obvious from the OP's thread that she is the one lying there waiting for it to be over. If she was an active and involved part of the deed, there wouldn't be that "piece of meat" stigma.

Man or woman - refusing your partner sex, or reducing it to a bargaining tool in order to sustain financial reward is JUST as low as demanding sex from someone who doesn't want to give it.

The first sentence of my last post should read...

"The person refusing their partner sex has reduced themselves to a piece of meat."

It just so happens in this case...it was a woman who posted....which is why woman was in there in the original post. Obviously this situation can exist with either gender.