I have been happily married for three years now..

**Paul#34** · 12-27-2009 01:23 AM

My wife and I have had a good sex life up until the last year or so. We have been together for 7 years now and have a 19 month old son. We have very different schedules with her working the night shift. We both work our schedules around each others so we do not have to send our son to day care; for many reasons I don't want to get into, but good reasons nonetheless. My wife has good morals and is very sweet. She was raised catholic and is very conventional in bed (no kinky things in bed).

I have latley been discouraged by the amount of sex we have been having the last year or so. I know our schedules suck for having a great sex life, but I feel like we never find the time to MAKE time

.

We have had arguments about how hard it is to find time and that she is exhausted, while at the same time I am dissatisfied with the amount of intimacy. We probably have sex 3 - 4 times a month. That is not enough for me.

I know we both love each other and would never leave one another because our love goes deeper than sex, but this is one thing that is hard for me to accept. I am a very competitive male that needs boosting and positive feedback from time to time just like any other male. Just being real.

Here lies the problem....I have recently caught my wife masturbating in the shower (ie listenting to her breathing through the door). I feel bad because I think it is invaiding her privacy. But at the same time I have always thought if she was masturbating and not finding time to be intiment with me that it would turn me off and eventually make me mad. Well...it did!
I understand she has alot on her plate as a fulltime worker and mom, but I just feel that I am losing my wife sexually. Even though we are both under the age of 30.

I also have the suspicion that she has done this in bed next to me while I am asleep at night (heavy sleeper). I have confronted her about it and she has denied it. However, I do not know for sure like I did in the shower.

My questions to you women:

Is their a way that I can ask my wife without making her upset or disgruntled about enhancing our sex life?

How can I find a way to make our sex life more enjoyable, like for example asking her to try new positions or new fantasies?

Do women masturbate in bed while sleeping next to their partner?

Thanks,
Paul

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-27-2009 01:43 AM

Hi Paul.

Masterbation is not all about being sexually fullfilled, it's about also, stress release and the difference in doing it to yourself is you do it in the fashion you want and you know.

So, my question back to you is sex is sex, intimacy is special, if she doesn't feel "special" and she feels sex, and your want for sex, then it's a turn off.

4 times a month is way better than so many people, believe me, that's 52 times a year, where some say 12 times .. So take that in your stride.

She works the graveyard shift and looks after a child. She is tired, frustrated, and doesn't want sex, she wants a back rub without sex involved... To know she is loved, like you state that you two are.

She wants her hair pulled out of her eyes, and hugged and told, "go to sleep" love you...

I am sure if you try this instead that you can wake her in the morning as an example and she would be fine with that, doubling to start with your 4 to 8.

The one thing women hate is " I want more sex" the one thing we love, is "I love you and I don't want sex, but the intimacy of a touch for no reason", with this, you can open her more up, as she feels the romance and therefore the intimacy even more, knowing you just love her and want her, not sex.

I can be exhausted and not want sex, but I'll give it ago because I do want relaxation and sleep and release of tension and it works everytime...

Just so you know.

It's not all about sex.

It is about imtimacy and love. I'm not talking about buying flowers, or such as that leads to guilt and sex. I'm talking about massage, brush of the hair, off her face, for NO reason.... and just holding her.

You'd be amazed at the difference that will make for you. Over time.

That's my take, and at 46 I think I have a calling to make it.

CW

**WildChild** · 12-27-2009 07:21 AM

Every woman is different. With the man in my life I always want him, always. He doesn't want sex even half as much as I do and rarely wants intimacy when he does want sex. That is hurtful. You have to watch that she isn't feeling that you just want to jump on her and have it done.

Foreplay is not just before intercourse, it's an all the time thing for women. How you speak to her, what you say, how you look at her and touch her, and not just when you want sex. You have to help her reach a point that seeing you or thinking of you makes her feel pleasurably juicy. It sounds like she is using orgasm for stress release rather than pleasure, that is what masterbation is for me. Unfortunately the man in my life has made sex into stress relief too. You have to give this some thought - is that what has happened? A quickie now and then is good but making love is what really connects a couple sexually. Try giving several days or even weeks, to building up to it. Be affectionate without any sexual expectations, leave her flowers in a vase on the table with a note about how lovely you find her, do a little extra around the house so she has a bit more time to herself. Give her a massage and instead of trying to move in into sex just spend some time talking or go do something else. Help her relax, raise some expectation, let her want it.

You do need to communicate too. Have you really, rationally, without being all pissy and demanding; talked about it?

**Paul#34** · 12-27-2009 09:13 AM

Thank you Chandlers Wish and Wild Child. Your points ring true and they are well taken. I am happy that I received this quick of a response. It just helps me realize the true situation at hand from hearing anothers prospective. I have been demanding as of late and probably need to slow down and enjoy our time together....hopefully we can reconnect in the near future.

Thanks again guys,
Paul#34

**WildChild** · 12-27-2009 09:51 AM

Do talk. Let her know if, for you, sex is a way of connecting and feeling more loving. Many of the therapists who have written books have said that women tend to need intimacy to feeled loved and thereby desire sex, while men for men sex tends to create or deepen feelings of love. Of course we are all more complex that than but in general it seems to be true.

**sperosi** · 12-27-2009 03:03 PM

pick a time when she is exhaustted, get a bottle of baby oil and give her a massage. dont tell her about the oil and just say you are going to rub her back. add a little oil to your hands and massage her back, neck, down her legs and just around her bum. spend at least 20 minutes on her and do not go for sex this time, just give her a firm massage.

do it again a few days later when she isnt quite as tired, and see what happens.

repeat as necessary.

**OhThereYouAre** · 12-28-2009 06:41 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Hi Paul.

Masterbation is not all about being sexually fullfilled, it's about also, stress release and the difference in doing it to yourself is you do it in the fashion you want and you know.

So, my question back to you is sex is sex, intimacy is special, if she doesn't feel "special" and she feels sex, and your want for sex, then it's a turn off.

4 times a month is way better than so many people, believe me, that's 52 times a year, where some say 12 times .. So take that in your stride.

She works the graveyard shift and looks after a child. She is tired, frustrated, and doesn't want sex, she wants a back rub without sex involved... To know she is loved, like you state that you two are.

She wants her hair pulled out of her eyes, and hugged and told, "go to sleep" love you...

I am sure if you try this instead that you can wake her in the morning as an example and she would be fine with that, doubling to start with your 4 to 8.

The one thing women hate is " I want more sex" the one thing we love, is "I love you and I don't want sex, but the intimacy of a touch for no reason", with this, you can open her more up, as she feels the romance and therefore the intimacy even more, knowing you just love her and want her, not sex.

I can be exhausted and not want sex, but I'll give it ago because I do want relaxation and sleep and release of tension and it works everytime...

Just so you know.

It's not all about sex.

It is about imtimacy and love. I'm not talking about buying flowers, or such as that leads to guilt and sex. I'm talking about massage, brush of the hair, off her face, for NO reason.... and just holding her.

You'd be amazed at the difference that will make for you. Over time.

That's my take, and at 46 I think I have a calling to make it.

CW

You completely missed the point.

Seriously, CW - this is such a recurring theme. One that really gets to me.

His wife is choosing to masturbate over having sex with him. You seem to think that that is an okay scenario.

However -

Why is it when a man chooses masturbation over sex with his wife, he is a sex addicted animal?

Mr. Paul - you need to gently ask your wife about this. Why is it that she prefers masturbation over sex with you? Are you doing something wrong, is there something else she'd prefer? Have a civilized discussion and go from there.

**WildChild** · 12-28-2009 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

Why is it when a man chooses masturbation over sex with his wife, he is a sex addicted animal?

I must have missed someting. Where has CW ever said this? Or implied it?

**rcoreyus** · 12-28-2009 08:24 AM

There are some women though (like my wife) who enjoy some physical affection, but simply don't want sex, or want it very rarely.

**WildChild** · 12-28-2009 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

There are some women though (like my wife) who enjoy some physical affection, but simply don't want sex, or want it very rarely.

Oh well R, To balance that there are some of us who want it all and don't get it. Seems to be a power thing, when a man has a women in his life who loves him and wants him, he shuts her down. Don't know what they get out of it. Guess we can't win, if we want someone, they turn their back, if we don't there is something wrong with us. Either way we get to be at fault somehow.