Thread: So many marriages ending due to cheating...

Through talking with my girlfriends and reading things on websites like this one, I realize so many of us women are unhappy in our marriages/relationships. I won’t sit here and male bash or stereotype men, because honestly, I have had some wonderful male role models and friends in my life. There are some good ones out there and they aren’t the only ones who cheat.

But I can’t help but to wonder what has happened in my generation (30 somethings)???? More than half of our marriages are ending in divorce and for those who get married a second time, that number increases up to over 60%.

I have 6 very close friends in my life among other casual friends. Out of the 7 of us, 5 are married, 1 is single but in a relationship and 1 is single after a break up with her boyfriend of 2 years. Here’s a break down of where we all stand in our relationships:

3-have never been faithful to a man (2 of them are married and currently having affairs)
3-have always been faithful to their husbands, but their husbands had affairs on them (including myself).
1-has never been married, always been faithful and has been cheated on by previous boyfriends

Not to mention, I have learned about several other friends who I’m not as close with cheating or ending their marriages because they were cheated on just in the last year. I believe it’s up to 6 marriages I have heard are ending due to cheating now this year. All within my age group.

My question to everyone is, why do you think this is happening? Could it be due to something missing in marriages? Or more opportunities and temptations? What do you think is causing such a decline in successful marriages?

I don't think any more marriages were good in the past. They just lasted longer because people were tolerating each other and forcing themselves to find a way to stay together even when they weren't so happy.

Every single relationship out there DOES have its ups and downs. Its natural. I took a course on this last year. If your relationship is happy and perfect, 100% of the time, there is actually something wrong.
And yes, some downs are going to last longer than others. But nowadays, most people are just looking for the quick fix. The easy way out.
And yes, I agree that there are some relationships that just aren't going to work out, no matter what. And there are things that should be completely intolerable, such as cheating, abuse, etc.
But I think that today, people are just looking at divorce as an easy way to solve their differences, not working through them.
(But don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions to this)

Well, not that this is any kind of definitive response of course..there was an article that came out today talking about how people marry oftentimes with a lot of illusions and unrealistic expectations-especially in the arena of intimate relations. A lot of times people think that things will get better after marriage, or that they can change their partner, and when they can't, the frustration begins to grow. After all, if you are a person with a high sex drive, regardless of how compatible you are in other areas, if your partner isn't responsive/receptive/excited to be with you intimately, over time the frustration of that mismatch can take a toll. People don't create their drives, they just are a natural part of who they are. And if someone comes along who also has a similar drive and the attraction factor..it can be very hard to resist. So the options would be to split and look for that better match or stay in the marriage, and obtain the release in other ways.
If a split occurs, then the article stated:
The second time around, people decide that they aren't going to settle for mismatches...especially in the bedroom. People find that sexual connectivity is much more important than they might have previously thought. The endorphins, stress releases, and closeness that comes from regular intimacy leads to healthier self images, better conflict resolution, and of course, deepening affection.

It was a good, thought provoking article.

Personally I think the longevity of marraiges these days is directly effected by the slipping values that people have. People lower their standards or compromise their beliefs in a relationship, and then turn around surprised when after a few years things aren't quite where they expected or wanted them to be. There is certainly a lot to be said about the fact that in the past people would stay wed since it was the proper thing to do, but I still think values has a lot to do with it.

That and the fact that people are in too much of a rush, and marry for the wrong reasons. I know right and wrong are typically a matter of opinion, but when it comes to marraige there are certainly some clear "wrong" choices that are getting more and more common. I've known girls that have married cause they got pregnant, no matter how the relationship was. I've known guys that have gotten married cause they were going on deployment and didn't wanna lose their girlfriend. I've known people that propose cause they truly think it will solve their relationship problems.

Marriages are a work in progress, no matter how you wanna look at it. It's not always going to sunshine and butter cups and it certainly cannot survive on lust alone, not for long. I honestly think that there should be no legal marriage below the age of 23. I understand that age doesn't always correlate to maturity, but at least that way you force people to take a little time to grow up and possibly grow together, or have the chance to grow apart gracefully.

I agree with the above.

I'm younger, but friends of mine who have gotten divorced have all been because of the following:

1. Slipping moral values - where the two don't want to put any effort in reconciliation...
2. Rushing into marriage - getting married before emotional and financial issues are sorted out. The fallacy that "all we need is love" is just that...a fallacy.
3. Unrealistic expecations - For whatever reason, people seem to think that marriage will solve their problems...and think things will change once that legal designation is upon them. Unfortunately....it only gets worse.
4. Sexual incompatibility - Later on in the marriage, one figures out that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them as often as they'd like.

Ok here's a theory that is quite sad but if you stop for a second and think about it, it kinda makes sense:

Back in the day when marriages lasted the world was a VERY different place! In most cases the woman would stay home and the man would go earn the money, said man would come home to a clean house and food on the table. For the most part most of the house cleaning was handled by the woman, and this was accepted. The couple got to spend more time together as work schedules weren't so demanding as today. The world moved at a MUCH slower pace! Divorce was considered a sin and most people were a lot more religious back then, so even if most people were unhappy, they just accepted their fate. Women in a lot of cases didn't have her own voice, the man ran the house and he made the rules. Sex wasn't as open and as in your face as it is today, most people probably weren't as in touch with their sexual desires. This sort of list can go on and on...

Take a look at today. Cost of living is through the roof! Now a days both the man and woman have to work in order to survive, and the world is SOOOO fast paced now. Everything needs to be done yesterday! Work schedules are all over the place and in most cases they are opposite from there spouses. People now spend more time with their co-workers then their partner. New relationships form and temptation is there. Woman now have a voice and are a lot more independent/successful. Successful woman have the hardest time finding and keeping a relationship as men have a natural drive to provide and when this is compromised they feel worthless and ashamed. People are too connected to the world and everyone in it (internet, cell phones etc.) especially to the opposite sex, its very easy to have a conversation on the internet or via text message that starts out innocent and friendly to eventually turning sexually playful and inappropriate. These sort of things escalate quickly as its so much easier to say things that you wouldn't say in person to say it digitally, and this can easily turn into affairs, especially if the person is lonely at home or unsatisfied. Sex is way more open and in your face today, its all over the media in many different forms. Divorce is acceptable now and people rather get out and move on then take the time to fix things (because people don't have the time or energy) Again this list can go on and on...

In conclusion I feel that the amount of cheating/divorce today has a lot more to do with the worlds fast pace and all the technology making people more connected to others. People don't have the time or patience to communicate. I mean there's obviously other factors too but I feel these are the biggest problems

Please don't after reading this think I'm some sort of male chauvinist pig that thinks woman should stay at home and clean the house and have food ready for her man when he comes home or that she should not have rights or be independent and successful. That's NOT what I'm getting at at all! These are just the things that have changed over the past 60 years or so and I think it all changed too fast and people haven't been able to find a happy medium yet. I just think the world needs to slow down an focus on the more important and simple things in life. Try to find more time for each other and put work last!! Put down the cell phones after work and only use the internet to keep in touch with family and close friends. Have more patience and communicate with your partner about EVERYTHING!

-Pascal