Is she a control freak?

**StillLearnin** · 01-03-2010 01:42 PM

Hey there. It's been a while since I posted. I'm really just venting here, but if any of you women have insight please fill me in. I will be talking to her about this...

If you have been following my posts you have seen that I have made great progress with getting my wife to understand my needs. I give her all the credit she deserves for that. She's helped save the marriage by finally taking time to understand my needs. She has surprised me by initiating sometimes. And the different things she's now doing to spice up our marriage in the bedroom. It's all good stuff.

But now I'm starting to see a pattern. Makes me wonder if she's trying to gain control of the bedroom again.

I wanted some afternoon delight today after church. I love the Sunday afternoon "naps" that we used to take, that we are trying to get back into doing. Taking part of the afternoon just for each other. She loves those times too. But today she said that since we had Tuesday, Wednesday, and last night, that we should be good for a while. It was all great, but I'm still pushing for it again today. I'm thinking that with her period starting in a couple days that today would be good thing to do before it starts. See, I'm planning ahead for the week.

Here's the problem: she's starting to say that since we did it so and so, we're good for a while. I've told her that we are working on my contentment now in our marriage, since she has been content the past 20 years. She agreed that she has been content. I told her to never question my contentment again. That's for me to be the judge of.

Here's the pattern: it's not just in the bedroom where she is trying to make these decisions for me. It's with everyday things as well. When I tell her that I need something done, she'll make a judgement call and change it to what she thinks needs to be done.

Simple things like I asked her to get two large bags of ice at the store for a New Years Eve party we hosted. She came home with one, and when I told her "I asked for two" she said "I assumed you meant two small bags." "But I did say large, didn't I?" was my response.

I invited my mom to lunch and set up a time of noon to meet her. Well, we get up the next day and she says she wants to change the time to 12:30 or later because "it's more natural for us to eat a later lunch." But I've already set up the time with my mom, which we agreed to. So I tell her if she wants to change it that she'll have to call my mom to tell her.

When her sister called I asked her to tell her sister that we'd be by to get the ski clothes she borrowed after we go to lunch. She didn't tell her sister that. Her reason was because she was going to see her sister next weekend, so why bother? But I needed those clothes now so our sons can try them on and I can get whatever we need this week. We're going skiing on Jan 19th, so I wanted some time to purchase or beg, borrow, or steal (not really steal) what we needed. I wanted the extra time for this.

None of these things on their own is a big deal. I realize that. But over the years I'm now realizing that this is what she does. She'll adjust my plans to meet her needs or schedule. I don't tell her every little thought or reason why I decide to do things the way I do them. I just would like her help and work with me without overridding what I was planning on doing. I don't change her plans or overrule her on things (like the time to meet her mom or dad for lunch!).

Now the bedroom thing is happening and she's saying that we're good. But the focus is now on meeting my needs. I don't like being told that my needs are met. She has no idea. I'm thinking "how dare you decide when I'm content."

I'm just venting. Thanks for listening.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-03-2010 02:01 PM

Well, you did say if we wanted to say something to do so

I'm thinking that with her period starting in a couple days that today would be good thing to do before it starts. See, I'm planning ahead for the week.

Why plan with sex? Maybe that is really what she is saying to you, your a planner, you plan when to have it, look ahead, I mean I appreciate it's up to her as well if she will have sex on her periods, but in general terms, yep, we have a few days where our bodies change and we really feel a bit down at that time, but also a few days before, have you considered that? PMT? It's the last thing on our mind sometimes...

You plan times, dates, and they may not suit her, she may want longer to prepare the lunch for instance. I know I would want 12.30 or 1pm if I am cooking, or even for cleaning up the house so it's kind of perfect before people get there...

Couldn't it actually be that "you are a planner" and she is a "go with the flow" type of person?

Think of travel.

Do you or would you plan the date, the hotel, the entertainment, sight seeing and would she just organise the plane and the hotel and pftttt, we'll see when we get there what we are doing?

There are two different people in this world. One that goes with the flow and the other that has to plan everything.

I asked for two" she said "I assumed you meant two small bags." "But I did say large, didn't I?" was my response.

See, I felt anger then. Why assume that she heard you but did it wrong deliberately? Or if she did it wrong accidentally, why tell her off?

Here's the problem: she's starting to say that since we did it so and so, we're good for a while. I've told her that we are working on my contentment now in our marriage, since she has been content the past 20 years. She agreed that she has been content. I told her to never question my contentment again. That's for me to be the judge of.

Wow, see here your in control, your controlling her. Your telling her, you will do it my way, or the highway.

What's with that?

You finally got her to open up and give, and in that, your now demanding that she look after your needs, because you have in the past and not to tell you when you can or can't have sex..

Where's the togetherness here?

She gave it up 3 days and basically has to tell you that she doesn't want to for a while and then is going to have her periods and you kind of jump down her throat and tell her "you've committed to pleasing me, not acceptable, please me". I want it so bad luck type attitude.

Sounds to me that she was / is willing to try for you but your taking advantage of it all and putting her down, or demanding.

Sorry, I really am but you need to really read your vent

If she has changed her pattern to help the marriage and please you, let her do it in her time, quit pushing her, your getting more than you ever did but naturally as a result you want more.

Sex is or should be "intimacy" and therefore, there should not be rules of when, how often, or telling a person off for not feeling like it, because you can see a period coming on? Should it? Really?

It should be non-planned. Perhaps you have a fear that she will step backwards to where she was.

How about taking some time to hug her only, and "silly duffer" when she gets it wrong like the ice, smiling at her, or " well if you need more time to clean or prepare lunch no problems, I'll give Mum a ring and let her know", I just am not getting the fact you see it as controlling. I see it as her, trying to speak but only giving a word or sentance cause she's going to get her head snapped off.

What do you think?

CW

**StillLearnin** · 01-03-2010 02:16 PM

Wow.

I don't snap her head off.

Actually, she's more of the planner than I am. But when I'm planning lunch with my mother, or a ski trip, I have made commitments and have deadlines. When I'm having 40 people over one bag of ice just isn't going to cut it. You have to plan things like that.

Yes, I have tried to gain some control over our sexual relationship because I haven't had ANY the past 25 years. Since we've been dating. I'm not apologizing for that.

Planning for a ski trip, going to lunch with my mother, and planning a party isn't being a control freak from my end.

BTW, I was asking if others thought she might be controlling. I'm on the fence about it right now.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-03-2010 02:18 PM

ok a couple things, about the ski clothes. i have done similar things with my hubby. he will tell me he needs something & i figure well if i'm going there on such & such date then i can get them then. well he doesn't tell me he needs them b4 then nor does he give me ne details, so how am i suppose to know that it isn't ok. so don't get frustrated on that one cause she wasn't informed on the details. that's really irritating because u get upset & we didn't know......gotta fill her in you know.
otherwise, on the other stuff her reasons make no sense. of course do u know if she could b ocd? i myself feel compelled to not control my hubby but to control every little detail & schedule of my life. sometimes my hubby get a bit tangled in it but he knows he can go & do as he pleases just as long as he tells me if we had future plans involving him. i like having a routine or schedule in advance otherwise i feel lost. now there r many variations on how ppl with ocd behave. u to need to talk about arrangements not let her decide nor let u decide & that be the final word, consider each other.
the whole thing of her deciding ur contentment, is bonkers to me. only u can decide that & she needs to understand that.
but also i don't think like most other girls

**LanaBear** · 01-03-2010 02:31 PM

Well.....

I'm kind of trying to figure out what to say because you could have easily described me. I'm a strong willed person who feels the need to be in control of most everything in my life. My hubby is very stubborn too, so we have our challenges. You are obviously angry but nothing you've stated should make you that angry.

I wanted some afternoon delight today after church. I love the Sunday afternoon "naps" that we used to take, that we are trying to get back into doing. Taking part of the afternoon just for each other. She loves those times too. But today she said that since we had Tuesday, Wednesday, and last night, that we should be good for a while. It was all great, but I'm still pushing for it again today. I'm thinking that with her period starting in a couple days that today would be good thing to do before it starts. See, I'm planning ahead for the week.

Why plan? So what if she's on her period... Doesn't mean you can't have sex or be intimate. If my hubby did this, I would smack him upside the head. Stop 'pushing' for it, if you have to 'push' for it, it won't happen.

Here's the problem: she's starting to say that since we did it so and so, we're good for a while. I've told her that we are working on my contentment now in our marriage, since she has been content the past 20 years. She agreed that she has been content. I told her to never question my contentment again. That's for me to be the judge of.

You are still harboring this whole battle of contentment thing, this isn't going to work. Stop battling for King/Queen of Contentment. What's in the past has happened, get over it and move on. You both should be making sure the two of you are content, not you've been content for the last 20, now it's my turn. And to tell her to never question you contentment again; again, smack upside the head.

Simple things like I asked her to get two large bags of ice at the store for a New Years Eve party we hosted. She came home with one, and when I told her "I asked for two" she said "I assumed you meant two small bags." "But I did say large, didn't I?" was my response.

Meh, move on. It's not a big deal... I do the same, my hubby tells me one thing, we are both our own persons, I don't have to listen to him. If I'm going to the store, I may have a different feel for what we need, I'll make the spur of the moment final decision. If I get back and it won't work, then okay, my mistake, I'll go back and suffer the "I told you so" from him. So what? No big deal, there's bigger things to stress over.

I invited my mom to lunch and set up a time of noon to meet her. Well, we get up the next day and she says she wants to change the time to 12:30 or later because "it's more natural for us to eat a later lunch." But I've already set up the time with my mom, which we agreed to. So I tell her if she wants to change it that she'll have to call my mom to tell her.

I see your point, you made plans and she wants them to change. This one you both have to communicate on. It was already discussed, she agreed, okay, that's fine. Sometimes there is a last minute change of plans, it sucks. In this case, she should understand the timing that was already agreed to. However, would it have been a big deal to agree that maybe your mom still comes over at 12:30, but maybe do lunch a little later? Best of both worlds.

Stop trying to make things even for what she put you through in the past, this won't work. Make a clean slate, forgive and move on. I've been through this and if my hubby came across as you are, I'd probably shut right back down. Don't go down that path.

Just being honest...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-03-2010 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

Wow.

I don't snap her head off.

Actually, she's more of the planner than I am. But when I'm planning lunch with my mother, or a ski trip, I have made commitments and have deadlines. When I'm having 40 people over one bag of ice just isn't going to cut it. You have to plan things like that.

Yes, I have tried to gain some control over our sexual relationship because I haven't had ANY the past 25 years. Since we've been dating. I'm not apologizing for that.

Planning for a ski trip, going to lunch with my mother, and planning a party isn't being a control freak from my end.

BTW, I was asking if others thought she might be controlling. I'm on the fence about it right now.

I'm sorry, but I do feel that she is feeling that maybe you demand for things to be "correct" to your as you put it "deadlines" where is there a deadline in a lunch date? It starts somewhere and ends somewhere.

Why couldn't you have both sat down and worked out the time together?

All I am pointing out is "togetherness", sure she stuffed up with the ice, I get that, but maybe she thought that was enough, maybe she really did think "2 small bags", I got one big bag.. I don't see why you told her off and you did.

Anyways, I have answered your other threads/posts and I know you've had a horrid time.

Perhaps now that you are having some success your putting the deadlines as you put it, through fear of it all going back the other way... After all you've viewed she's going to get her periods in a few days, so you've put a deadline of right up until that time, in your words, you are planning on having sex until she gets her periods, whereby she is saying, I'm not in the mood, and as I said, perhaps she suffers from PMT, which really does make you feel like no thanks, before your periods start...

As you've not had sex properly for 25 years, isn't that possible that you haven't considered that?

CW

**danceintx** · 01-03-2010 02:44 PM

I don't think that because she misses one afternoon session she is trying to be a control freak over your sex lives. Honestly if someone was being this pushy with me it would get on my nerves a little. I understand your situation for the last 20 something years, but she still has a say over her own body too. She has made great strides now considering where you guys were before. Let her have an off day if she needs it! Going from 0 to 60 could be overwhelming her at times too, she could be PMS-ing, or could just be tired and in a fowl mood. I am so sex obsessed with my bf right now, I mean he is hot and I just came off the pill for the first time in 15 years, and out of a marriage where the sex (and the man) were horrendous. I want sex 8 times a day. But I still have my off days were I don't. Try not to cram it down her throat where it will end up being counterproductive for your sex life.

**StillLearnin** · 01-03-2010 03:27 PM

I'm sorry, but I don't think I told her off. I just asked "where's the second bag of ice?" Then I smoothed out any friction that might have caused by saying that we'll probably need to go back to the store anyway, so don't worry about it. And I did have to go back.

I know, each of these things by themselves is no big deal. But it is a pattern I've noticed.

Used to, she'd make us late to my family get togethers like lunch, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. I finally told her after about 10 years of that that she can make us late to her family because it's her family. But when my family has plans, and others are already there, and we show up an hour late, that's not acceptable to me. If she wants to be an hour late to her family Thanksgiving dinner that's her decision. I just chill out and catch some TV before we go. No big deal. Just please be considerate to me and my family and be on time so we can get time to visit with everybody before its over. That's all I ask.

I'm holding firm on my needs right now because, as CW said, if I let it go and don't keep it in the forefront of our relationship right now, yes, it could revert back to the old ways. When I finally feel like the norm is what I need, and my level of contentment is up and I'm satisfied, then I'll back off. She's prone to going back to her old ways very quickly. Believe me, I know her very well. So I have to stay on top of it.

One week before Thanksgiving we had something going about every night. Almost. So I "scheduled" two nights of love with her. And she later told me that she liked it that way because she knows during the week when she needs to be ready for me. So go figure. I thought she would be mad because I forced the issue during that busy week. But she was appreciative. I was surprised.

Good points made. I think I sometimes have a case of "venus and mars" going on. But I think I've been in good tune with her for all these years and empathize in every way with her needs. If you were to ask her she would probably agree for the most part.

**Explorer44** · 01-03-2010 03:56 PM

Originally Posted by StillLearnin

I have made great progress with getting my wife to understand my needs. I give her all the credit she deserves for that. She's helped save the marriage by finally taking time to understand my needs. She has surprised me by initiating sometimes. And the different things she's now doing to spice up our marriage in the bedroom. It's all good stuff.

I wanted some afternoon delight today after church. She loves those times too.
It was all great, but I'm still pushing for it again today. See, I'm planning ahead for the week.

I've told her that we are working on my contentment now in our marriage, since she has been content the past 20 years.
I told her to never question my contentment again. That's for me to be the judge of.

When I tell her that I need something done, she'll make a judgement call and change it to what she thinks needs to be done.

I invited my mom to lunch and set up a time of noon to meet her. Well, we get up the next day and she says she wants to change the time to 12:30 or later because "it's more natural for us to eat a later lunch." But I've already set up the time with my mom, which we agreed to. So I tell her if she wants to change it that she'll have to call my mom to tell her.

When her sister called I asked her to tell her sister that we'd be by to get the ski clothes she borrowed after we go to lunch. She didn't tell her sister that. Her reason was because she was going to see her sister next weekend, so why bother? But I needed those clothes now so our sons can try them on and I can get whatever we need this week. We're going skiing on Jan 19th, so I wanted some time to purchase or beg, borrow, or steal (not really steal) what we needed. I wanted the extra time for this.

I don't change her plans or overrule her on things (like the time to meet her mom or dad for lunch!).

But the focus is now on meeting my needs. I don't like being told that my needs are met. She has no idea. I'm thinking "how dare you decide when I'm content."

ok, this started off well, and then went kind of downhill...

lot's of "I" and not much "we" language. "I wanted" "I don't" "I don't like"

Sorry but it really come across like you are wanting her to be your minion..do exactly what you want, when you want, with no dissention or opinion on her part. I do see in your second post that she has indicated that she liked your proactively 'scheduling' some intimate times, but yet, when she couldn't/wouldn't have the 'afternoon delight' session with you, it came across like you turned on her.

You already know that I have posted in support of your previous struggles. But on this one, I am very surprised. I wish I saw more closeness, more unity, more compassion..I know you have waited along time for change. Change has come! But change is not always overnight, and not always as we decide it should be.

As for the pattern, make sure you aren't reading into things. Even I, with my high drive have times that I am not ready or in the mood..especially if my period is due!

Best of luck with your continued progress with your marriage...

**StillLearnin** · 01-03-2010 04:03 PM

Ok, so I've been venting. It's been frustrating.

Of course I'm wanting the "we," "us," "our love," "our family," etc. I don't think she's a minion of mine, a puppet that I can control as I like.

I probably have read way too much into this...

I'm venting here so I don't express anger at her. I told her that I'm not going to get angry towards her anymore about our sexual problems. I'm so tired of doing that.