Thread: Frustrated no sex

I really don't WANT to cheat on him but it has come across my mind alot and I know I should not have said anything to him but it was purely out of anger and frustration and I later apologized and he said just as I have feelings so do he and I never take that into consideration.

He has been stressed lately due to his job situation but that has been worked out so I am not understanding what is going on. He hasn't given me any reason to think he is cheating and pretty much he is home all the time, occassional hang out with the boys but nothing to be alarmed because I know where he is and most of the time we go out together so that I don't think so. I threw that out there because I don't know what is going on and I know it's unfair now but I don't know what to do or say. To even say he was gay, was wrong, I don't believe he is but I am trying to figure this out.

Besides the lack of sex, he is a great husband, very attractive nice looking man, a good father to my children who is not his, cooks, cleans and don't leave the house without a kiss and saying he love me. He is all I been wanting except in having sex which is good when we do have it, just lacking.

I have tried before to back off and not say anything and wait for him to initiate and it took 3 weeks for him to do that and that was the hardest 3 weeks to endure, having to go to bed which he loves to cuddle and I was frustrated. We discussed that and he said he would give more loving but that lasted a week and it was back to normal. He claim I want it too much.

I don't know if would be happy with just kissing, touch until I orgasmed but I know at the moment, I actually would want penetration. I am even thinking of investing in toys which he is against but at this point, I need something. I truly don't want to cheat but I am at wits end. I even thought about divorce but I know I don't truly want that, I love him dearly and no I didn't tell him that because I know that would REALLY cross the line. As if I haven't already.

Is that selfish to say that sex is a big part of a relationship or am I making something small out of something big as he claim I am???

MzLynnie - I'm afraid I understand how you feel. Its 9pm here, my wife is sleeping soundly after a long back, neck, foot massage. She asked me to come to bed early this evening to have sex. Asked for a massage - then said she was tired and fell asleep - just like the last 3 times. Its been more than 2 months now since we last had sex - and that isn't unusual. Then she wonders why I get cranky, or distant, or unaffectionate.

I understand your wanting to cheat. I have often considered it - and have plenty of opportunity. I haven't yet (25 years). But - I wouldn't fault someone in your situation who did. I don't think that anyone who hasn't been in this sort of situation can really understand how bad it is. What it is like to live with someone you desire but cannot have - and to not be able to be intimate with anyone else either.

He might be gay, or might be cheating - but I suspect not. I think some people simply don't have much of a sex drive. He probably doesn't understand at all why this matters to you.

You could ask him to go to counselling. He won't think its important, but maybe he will go anyway. You could leave - tell him that you don't want to live like this. Or you can live the rest of your life in frustration. I think those are all the choices.

I chose the last - but I would give different advice to myself if I could go back in time.

Originally Posted by MzLynnie

Is that selfish to say that sex is a big part of a relationship or am I making something small out of something big as he claim I am???

No it is not selfish! For most people, sex is a big part of a marriage since it is THE most fun thing a man and a woman can do together, and when it's right, it is just the best thing there is!
What you are describing is NOT normal, it's not normal for your husband to have so little interest in sex as you describe, and his age should not be a factor at all unless he has some medical problem.
Have you suggested to him that he get a physical exam? It could be he has a condition that has resulted in a very low sex drive, or as the doctors like to call it, "libido."

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

MzLynnie - I'm afraid I understand how you feel. Its 9pm here, my wife is sleeping soundly . ...Its been more than 2 months now since we last had sex - and that isn't unusual. Then she wonders why I get cranky, or distant, or unaffectionate.

You're sure not alone, brother: we've "only" been married 18 years (but it sure seems longer...), but I'm writing from the "guest bedroom," and the only reason it's been a little less than 2 months for me is, I think my wife thinks if she "does it" once in a while she won't have to worry about me cheating. What I can't seem to make her understand is, there's more to sex than just HER enjoying it.
So I've given up trying.
With her.

I just spent 2 days sharing a jacuzzi suite in Vegas with a very nice woman I've known for years - with my wife's full knowledge. My wife assumes that because she isn't interested in me, no one else would be as well. Not true. I didn't sleep with, or do anything more that flirt with this other woman - we are very good long term friends, and we felt we couldn't betray my wife's trust. She assumes that my wife and I are deeply in love (true) and that we have a wonderful sex life (not true), and that my wife simply trusts me without reservation (which she can - sadly).

This other woman's husband treats her quite badly - they are in an open relationship - though so far it has been open for him, but not her.

Pride - its the best sin.

OK it is quite simply very frustrating and can be very painful to be aroused all the time and attracted to the person in your life and not be able to fulfill the thoughts and desires you harbor. BELIEVE ME I know! I live with my best Male friend, we both are single, we sleep in the same bed and even cuddle sometimes! He is very attractive! Sometimes it is so distracting that I can not even function! Good luck to all of us!

Personally the only real problem I see here is that something like this wasn't discussed or covered before the two of you got married. A huge difference in sex drive is kind of a big footnote to gloss over before taking some wedding vows.

As far as "right or "wrong" it's no one's place to chastise someone for a high or low drive, people are different. Givena the plethora of reasons there are for one not wanting sex (both male and female) I think cheating is nothing more than the easy way out.

How long have the two of you been married? Even though he doesn't feel sex is very important, have you explained how important it is to you, without getting heated about it? You need to be srue it's not coming off as a failing of his when you tell him, that typically shuts people down and conversation goes nowhere.