Thread: What is wrong with me!!?? Please help

Ok so I gained some weight after getting married, and I feel gross, disgusting, not sexy at all
therefore I dont initiate sex, my husband wants me to initiate it so bad, he initiates 95% of the time, we have been together about 12 years, married 3

He looks at porn, I hate it, I talked to him about it, he says its not a big deal, its only a stupid computer screen and that all guys do it
Trying to deal with accepting his love for porn(about once or 2 times per week)
Thankfully he still initiates sex with me about 2 to 3 times per week

Please do not tell me to talk to him about the porn again, it doesnt work, I have tried, he wont stop, he loves lookin at the nekid ladies

So of course since I have gained weight I feel even more disgusting when he looks at porn, like he prefers to view these women, like he is probably thinking DAM why cant I have THAT, or why cant my wife be as sexy as her?
All my own insecurities, I am fully aware of this

I had a long talk with him this past weekend about me and my insecurities and how I really wish I would initiate sex more, I DO desire him greatly, to me he is super sexy even though he has gained a little weight, I asked him if he still thinks I am sexy, if my weight bothers him, I also ask him if I am boring in the bedroom etc(because I am SO self consious since he has been viewing porn a lot again)
He tells me I am crazy, he adores me, my weight is not an issue to him and if it was he would tell me straight out, he tells me our sex life is good, he says I am beautiful the way I am that I dont need to loose any weight for him
(bc I had mentioned to him I joined a gym-starting today actually)
he told me that if I am going to work out-to do it for myself, not for him-for my own gain in confidence, and I agree, I am going to work out mostly to help MY own insecurities and confidence out

I just cant understand myself, why if he is feeding me all this: you are still sexy to me, I love you, I would not be with someone if I did not find them attractive and love them etc

So WHY am I so down on myself? Why cant I just feel confident?
I know loosing weight is going to be a long hard road
is there any tips that women have to help me on my road to recovery?
I used to be a nice thin toned dancer, cheerleader

Now I am a chubby wife, husband always wants me, TRIES to make me feel good and sexy, and all I do is beat myself up because I feel disgusting
I cry all the time, I hate looking in the mirror
Any advice helps me, thanks girls

I can see a few views but no replys I just want to feel sexy again! and have some self worth! I just hate this feeling and hoping to get some type of replies
In the meantime I am jumpin' on that elliptical tonight
I think if I loose weight I should feel better? but since it takes SO long to loose weight, was seeing if anyone had any tips on how to feel sexy as a plus sized girl ..thanks in advance

Given what you've said about the situition I don't think there is much that can be done to make you happy with yourself, you need to get past whatever block it is that makes you feel that your not good enough.

If he is telling you it's not a problem, and treating you it's not a problem, then chances are it's not a problem to him. If I had to guess I would say that you are being hard on yourself cause of what was compared to what is, and that is a hard way to judge things like appearance.

If excercising will make you feel better about yourself, then take that road. If he's a porn guy then chances are even making yourself look like any pornstar still wouldn't kick his habit of watching porn, so you may want to stop keeping that in the back of your mind when your judging your looks.

If he is still being romantic with you, it's a safe bet that he does not find you as disgusting as your find yourself, and i'd be willing to be, not at all. It seems he loves, it seems that he wants you, and it seems that this is something you need to work out internally. I don't think there is a quick cure to insecurity, and if the problem prevails then it may be worth talking to a professional about. Anything (constructive) to help you get past this is worth the time.

Hi M

I don't think porn is the route of the problem and if you keep on at your SO he will just get irritated.

You seem to have a self worth/self esteem issue.

No one looks as good as they do when they were 21 but he loves you and you love him. A am sure you don't look at him and think chubby yuck. Chances are he still sees you as the women you were when you met.

I suggest you write yourself a list of things you want (not think you should) to acheive over the now 12 months or few years. And work on acheiving them this should raise you're self worth.

It could be anything: Charity work, climb a mountain, initiate sex 12 times in the next 12 months what ever. Have a look on the new years resolution thread for a few ideas

Hope this helps

He thinks you are sexy. He wants you to initiate sex. He doesn't think you are disgusting. Believe him!

He's gained some weight too. Consider that he may be feeling a bit self-conscious as well, and wants you to show that you are still attracted to him.

Put on something sexy (heck, just a long t-shirt with nothing underneath will do) this evening and show him that you still want him. Just grab him and start kissing. I'm absolutely sure his reaction will show that he still wants you.

Worry about the porn later. If he has a hot affectionate woman who shows she desires him, he may completely loose interest in porn.

Please don't let this continue. It is so tragic for 2 people who obviously love and are attracted to each other to let insecurities get in the way of their intimacy.

Thank you so much for replying everyone! I never knew a self esteem issue would be so hard to get through, my friends and family, even husband always tell me I am beautiful-I think I am way too hard on myself. I am a latina and have curves and I am not thin but I am not obese either, so I dont know why I beat myself up so hard, I guess because I am used to being 115-120 lbs(I am 5'3") Now I am 155 and hate it, but I guess it could be worse
Working at the gym now, about 5 days a week
we will see how it pans out
newhere808-I think ur right, I think I am beating myself up way too much about not looking a certain way, I will continue to work out, at least that helps my moods/makes me feel better about myself
Futureboy-thats a good idea-making a list of what I would like to accomplish this year, I wish we always looked like we did when we were 21 BUT I know we can not! We met fairly young, we were all hot, thin, and happy! Why does marriage have to =weight? Oh well, working on loosing it, I think thats my MAIN problem-I have never been 'fat' until about 3 years ago, I am going to work on that 'list' today, he gained a little weight but I dont even 'see' his weight, I see the person I met, so thats true-I dont think chubby yuck, I think he is super sexy to me-thanks for helping me out
rcoreyus-I will definitley try this tonight, he always tells me he would "love it" if I would just 'jump him' instead of him always having to come to me, yes he has gained weight too, so I am sure he feels I dont desire him(SO untrue) I always want him, Ineed to SHOW him. definitley working on this! I doubt he will loose his interest in porn but maybe he wont watch it as much if I am always wanting him, showing him that he is still sexy to me
Thank you everyone!

I have real problems with my self esteem so know how you feel. It got so bad that in Dec 2008 I went to the doctors and was referred to a coucillor. It helped, but to be honest, I had to do it myself. I still see myself as grose and ugly when everyone tells me the opposite.

I have an amazing fiance who puts up with me moaning and he's asked me to initiate sex - but I feel "why does he want to have sex with me" all the time. I've started putting my feelings to the back of my head as I dont want him to start feeling .

I've bought some new underwear and stockings, bought some toys to try in the bedroom and even had a brazillian bikini wax to make myself feel sexier - and it works!!! I felt sexy in my underwear and being different down there made a massive impact on him as well as me.

I couldnt help but pounce on my man (the first time in 7 months I'd inititated sex) and it really was amazing. I let myself go and enjoyed myself and I really did start to believe my man wanted me and that I was sexy.

It has taken me over a year to get like this, ok with Christmas I've eaten loads and feel yukky again but I now know I have the confidence to feel and be sexy. I was at rock bottom with my confidence, so if I can do it, so can you x