Thread: He can't pleasure me, and I can't orgasm. What should I do?

(I apologize beforehand for this very lengthy post. But I feel like such a basket case and I just need to vent and get this out.)

I understand that many women who have difficulty getting an orgasm during intercourse think that there may be something wrong with them. Indeed, not achieving orgasm is pretty common for a lot of women, but ever since I became sexually active 3 years ago, I seriously began to feel like there was something abnormal about by body.

Beginning with a short bio - I’m 21 years old, and since my teenage years I have had a lot of issues with my hormones. I have a benign pituitary tumor, which appears to cause me to lactate out of one breast (yet blood tests reveal that my prolactin levels are normal). I also have a benign nodule on my thyroid gland and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Yet despite my hormonal issues, I seem to have a pretty normal sex drive.

I began masturbating at the age of 13 or 14, and it was then that I noticed my inability to feel pleasure. Directly stimulating my clit did nothing, and it was actually quite uncomfortable for me. Rubbing my G-spot and nipples yielded no results, either. 'My lady parts' seem virtually numb. The only way I was ever able to reach orgasm was through pressure of some sort, like straddling a pillow and rubbing myself against it.

My favorite (and only) method was to insert my middle finger into my vagina, with my palm resting on my labia and clitoris, and proceeding to quickly rub back and forth while applying pressure using the palms of my hands. This is the only way I have ever been able to achieve orgasm. It is a very effective method and I am usually able to orgasm in under 30 seconds.

Now, this technique is pretty much impossible to replicate during intercourse, and I am utterly incapable of feeling pleasure from anything else, including sex. Surprisingly, my inability to orgasm has had no strain on my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. Even though sex between us is dull in the physical sense (at least on my end), I have grown to like it simply for the emotional aspects that come with having sex. I enjoy being in the moment and being close to him, and making him feel good.

We were both virgins when we met and started having sex after our 4th year together, so we’ve grown up knowing each others’ bodies. He has tried so hard to pleasure me, but he’s never been able to give me an orgasm, let alone make me feel good. We’ve tried dozens of different positions, oral sex, anal sex, foreplay, porn, toys, lubricants, you name it, and it always ends in me being frustrated and miserable.

Recently I’ve started to accept the fact that I cannot feel pleasure, and I’ve begun to think that this might just be for the better. I hear so many stories of couples breaking up because they are unable to satisfy each other in bed, and how sex can get dull with age, and I figure that if I’ve never known pleasure by any hand other than my own, I won’t know what I’m missing when I get old and crotchety and hit menopause.

As disappointing as it is, this hasn’t had any ill effects on my relationship with my boyfriend. We are both very happy and content with each other, but I’m wondering if I should maybe try and seek professional help, or just leave things as they are. I’m leery of consulting a specialist, partially due to pride (it’s embarrassing to be having these sorts of problems when I’m so young and in my prime), but also because I doubt it’ll do any good. It seems we’ve tried just about everything and I’m about ready to just accept this and live with it, but I figure I’d ask around first to see if I can get any suggestions/tips/hints.

You already know that you can orgasm --- so you don't need professional help! What you need is for your boyfriend to be loving, caring, patient --- and help him to understand just what he needs to do to pleasure you. Teach him to do the same thing you do to yourself. This will bring the two of you closer. And the closer you are, the more comfortable you will be, and I think you will eventually be able to orgasm other ways. I think it is great that you are open and honest with him. As long as you do this, you and he can develop a good understanding and a healthy sexual relationship!

P.S. You are very, very lucky to have a man who cares so much about making you happy. Have patience with yourself and reassure him of how much you appreciate his efforts. And remember, you are NOT abnormal --- lots of women go through this!

Originally Posted by Proud 50

Teach him to do the same thing you do to yourself.

This was actually one of the first things we tried. At first I tried getting him to do it using only his hands, considering that's what I was accustomed to, but that never worked. I don't know if it's the angle I'm used to or what, but it's such an awkward way of masturbating that he can't possibly replicate it during sex.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing of all is that we exert so much energy just trying to get me to feel SOMEthing... ANYthing... And then we're exhausted and all that grinding has been for nothing.

Proud 50, Thank you for the advice . I know I am very fortunate, and he really is a wonderful person. He has been extremely patient with me and we are trying very hard to work through this. I'm just lucky to have found someone who doesn't let an issue like this get in the way of having an intimate, meaningful relationship.

Unfortunately this just seems like a never-ending cycle. Pleasure shouldn't be something you have to shed blood, sweat, and tears in order to achieve. If there is a god, the female anatomy must be his/her version of a very cruel practical joke.

There are a lot of men who wouldnt even try, so yes, you are very lucky. It is a sensitive issue for men sometimes, as they can take a woman's inability to orgasm as a sign that they are a failure. Assure him this isn't so, and educate him --- tell him to read about how common your issue is. He seems very sensitive, and both of you very smart/mature/open for your age. Now listen --- its not that the femal anatomy is messed up, its that for some reason men and and women were created so differently! Dont give up --- be patient with yourself. :-)