Thread: Why has it died so badly?

For the past... I am ashamed to admit, but 3 years or so, I have had no sexual desire for my partner, and only made love with him reluctantly to avoid a fight. Yes I am terribly ashamed of this, it's not fair on him I know.

I love being with him. I feel completely at ease, he makes me laugh and is my best friend and my friends and family adore him, but any time his hands start wandering I feel uncomfortable and kind of sad, thinking things like I really don't want to do this, but I know I should. I find myself very attracted to other men as well (I would NEVER cheat though). I hate that the best years of my life are passing me by (been with him since I was 21, 27 now) and I am having UNenjoyable sex during them, but I can't seem to let the relationship go. What am I holding onto?

It is not anything he is doing wrong in the bedroom, I just don't see him that way anymore... in all honesty I am not sure if I ever did. I fell in love with his magical personality. He was a big boy when we met and even though he has promised and promised to lose weight, he never has. In all our years together we have never been to the beach because he is embarassed by his body. I know how awful that sounds. We have had the "why don't we have sex anymore" fight at least 3 times now, and I just make some excuse like I am just not into it, my libido is low, I haven't been feeling attractive etc, but I can't keep this up my whole life. I just don't want to hurt him.

I feel like I have rambled on about this all before, sorry for the depressing rehash!

I'm sorry for your frustration...

I have to say that I think you need to respect him enough to tell him the truth. The weight is turn off for you. Making up excuses isnt helping him know what's going on. My guess is he senses the truth but he's not hearing it when he asks you.

Maybe volunteer to join a gym together, or at least to take walks, or find other active things to do. If you cook, make sure his meals are healthy.

At the very least, tell him the truth. Then the ball is in his corner. But if he does decide to make changes, you might be in for some pleasant surprises.

I agree with ExP. You could also keep the ball rolling by finding a personal trainer for yourself and secretly as the trainer to accommodate him with you once he's ready.

For some people to get started to change, they need a role model, and in your case, it's you.

It's a well known fact that the 'buzz' of sexual attraction does eventually fade and 'the seven year itch' isn't just a catch-phrase, it's around the time things may start to cool off. I felt the same in my marriage. He wasn't a bad guy, he was a good father, a hard worker and all-round nice guy - but I felt nothing for him sexually and actually came to dread his hand snaking across my body in the mornings. I realise now that I was never 'in love' with him and I think that had a lot to do with it. After the initial 'buzz' wore off there ws nothing there (like companionship, friendship or 'being in love') to help rebuild the sexual side of things. I stayed like that for nearly 20 years because I didn't want to create havoc in the kids lives.

People may say that sex isn't the be-all-and-end-all of a relationship, and it isn't BUT it is a hugely important part and one which can create a lot of misery and friction if you're not happy with it.

If he lost the weight and was 'trim, taut and terrific' do you think your feelings would change? If so, talk to him honestly sbout it and help him get there (both for your relationship and his health). If you don't think it would make much difference, then again talk to him honestly and set yourself free to find someone who will curl your toes no matter what he looks like - that's real love.

Sex is really important in a relationship, you need to work on this. Is there anything about him other than his weight that turns you off? He may be able to do something about it, but he may not.

Were you ever attracted to him? Did you start dating just because of his personality, or was there some spark as well.

If you aren't married, don't have children, maybe you should end it. You aren't doing either of you a favor by staying in a relationship that lacks physical attraction. Far better to do this now while you can each find someone you can both love and desire.

Originally Posted by LilahX

If he lost the weight and was 'trim, taut and terrific' do you think your feelings would change?

I'd like to say maybe but honestly, no. I don't think much would change. He is sooooooo far from what I go for in a man looks-wise.

I was 21 when we started dating, him 38 (now I'm 27 and him 44). Suddenly I had this incredible older person in my life and I was compltely infatuated, near on obsessed, hooked on his wise words and knowledge. Things have changed as I have gotten older though I think... do you think that has anything to do with it? People say you change most in your 20's.

This is something that has been driving me insane for god knows how long. I would think to myself I have this person who loves me, yet I don't want to be with him? What is wrong with me??

I think you've analyzed it yourself; you never were really in love, and you aren't ever likely to be. Why not do him and yourself both a tremendous favor and let him know this, so you can both find someone you're attracted to?

The last time we had the sex fight he said to me "So what, do you want to be together but never have sex??!" I said no of course, but I think that is exactly what I want. I want him in my life, but I don't want the physical side of things. That's just not possible though. If we break up, we couldn't be friends, it'd be too hard for him. Oh god I don't know what to do.

It sounds like the light has gone out, or was never really on for a kind, fun, wonderful man in your life. It is sad because he has done nothing to deserve this. But neither have you and it’s clear you would change it if you could. It’s just not to be. I think you know the conclusion. You knew when it became no longer possible to have sex to maintain the facade. So give yourself a little more time to completely come to terms with the truth, and then share it with him. He will be devastated to be sure. But hurt subsides and when it does truth and honesty will equal respect. Several years down the road from now who knows? But this is for certain; truth, honesty and respect are not bad places from which to rekindle a friendship.

figure out just exactly how you feel, because you do seem a little conflicted.

then you do need to sit down and tell him, because he deserves to know. you may end up losing him, but if the roles were reversed, wouldnt you want to know?