public sex

**skigirl** · 01-15-2010 11:22 PM

Ok, so my bf has a fetish. He likes to have sex in public places, and I know he can't help the fact that he craves public sex, so I want to accomodate him sexually (He does everything I ask sexually). But I am TERRIFIED of getting caught. I have had sex with hiim in the water in the day at a public beach (in mexico, and we just looked like we were hugging.) We were kind of far out deep in the water, but we could still see all the people on the beach. I also gave him a bj in a dressing room, road head kind of often, and we had sex with me bent over the hood of the car at night, on a side road in a rural area. A few other public times I can't think of right now also. Now he keeps asking me for sex in public. He asks all the time, and I feel so inadequate when I say no, like I'm not meeting his needs, but I am so scared of getting caught. Anyone have any ideas of places we could do it where he can have the thrill of being in a public place, but there is a very tiny chance of us getting caught? Also, do you think I am right to accomodate this fetish, or should I just say no all the time since public sex makes me uncomfortable, and is illegal most of the time?

**skipper** · 01-16-2010 04:56 PM

If it makes you feel uncomfortable you should say NO. Tell him to save it till you get home.

Maybe try places where you are very unlikely to get caught: Public places that aren't very public.

**shikiraclare** · 01-16-2010 05:29 PM

Hi there,

It is surprisingly quite common for couples to like the added danger attached to this kind of sex, but it has to be a shared feeling of excitement for it to work out and because it is illegal, the risks are great and is treated as a public offence. It's not a good idea to minimize the risks when all it takes is a peeping eye or passing off duty police officer.

I only ever did it once (in a field) years ago and that was enough for me to feel very uneasy about doing it anywhere else public. Your boyfriend definitely has exciting qualities about him and that's great, but not when it becomes a kind of addiction. Obviously you don't want to hurt his feelings but forcing yourself to go along with something against your will; will create more damage than getting caught out.

Personally speaking however, I think it is unfair that your boyfriend demands of you to have sexual intercourse at will and in public places that could easily land yourself in trouble (not just him) and his role is to protect you from those kind of dangers - not invite them. It is great that you refuse him sex when you don't feel comfortable with it as this tells him that you are not some bed he can just roll out when he feels like sex. You shouldn't ever do anything you aren't comfortable with when it can easily create resentment and anxiety between two people who have different needs from one another.

I don't know what kind of advice you are expecting but in my opinion, I think that there is some degree of selfishness on your partners side and isn't really being all that respectful of you when he is placing you in danger as well as treating you as a sexual object (even if he does show that he loves you in other ways). I'm not saying he is using you; just that how he treats you isn't very attractive or loving. It's normal and healthy to want sex; but not if it's on tap and occurs like running water where there is no emotional bonding; then it's just sex for the pure sake of it.

You need to be direct and honest with him and tell him that although you have enjoyed the public sex so far; the risks are just too great and this has no reflection on your feelings for him at all. If he rejects you or tries to manipulate you or threatens to leave you; then clearly his love for you has not been there throughout the time you have been together. If he cares and is supportive and accepting of your decision, then problem solved! - I wish you luck and hope it works out.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-16-2010 06:28 PM

skigirl, you should never do anything that you DO NOT want to do.

The posters above have given you some very good advice.

There is an element of "excitement" in being caught but you have to have that nature in order to accomodate it.

If it is not you, DON'T do it... we aren't all compatible in all areas of life and one person should not fear that if they don't do something, then the other party will leave.

Be straight forward and honest with him, the odd occasion if you feel up to it is fine but it's not you..

CW

**skigirl** · 01-16-2010 11:30 PM

Thanks for the advice guys! Thanks for reinforcing to me that it is reasonable for me to say "no", and also I can show your replies to my bf to show him that I am not the only one who thinks his requests are unreasonable. To be fair to him though, when he asks for public sex, he gives me tons of outs, and I never feel like he will love me less or leave me or anything if I say no. Its just that I really love him a lot and we are SO compatible in EVERY other way. I want to be a great, giving, and game lover (if any of you read Dan Savage), so I want to find a way to have sex with him in public with the smallest possible risk. Our current solution is for him to ask much less frequently and for me to say yes whenever I feel comfortable, aka somewhere really dark, or in a locked changing room or something. Also, I do feel comfortable flashing him quickly in fairly public places, like the car, a deserted alley, etc. Although I still feel nervous, I don't want to completely give up on satisfying this part of his sexuality, so if anyone has any ideas of low risk public sex places I would appreciate it a lot.

**sperosi** · 01-17-2010 07:08 AM

i dont know if there are such things as low risk public places, since if you get caught in any of them you could get arrested and labeled as a sex offender in a lot of states.

**danceintx** · 01-17-2010 10:32 AM

Seriously, depending on where you live, you could be charged with a sex offense and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. I knew of this guy who streaked a football game and is a registered sex offender now.

**rcoreyus** · 01-17-2010 04:56 PM

I think the idea is to go places where the consequences of being caught aren't so bad. Generally as long as you are someone you aren't likely to be seen by children I think most police will look the other way. Parked cars on lonely roads are probably OK. Outdoor places. (there is a little cave just below that horn of Half Dome that is rather tempting....). Back of movie theaters (for R-X rated films only). Airplane restrooms (if there isn't a line).

**sperosi** · 01-17-2010 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I think the idea is to go places where the consequences of being caught aren't so bad. Generally as long as you are someone you aren't likely to be seen by children I think most police will look the other way.

. . .

I am not sure that is true. it varies greatly by the location, whether or not the department or prosecutors have a no-tolerance policy for stuff like that, or even the individual officer.

in the area i live in, i have read in the paper about the police making arrests for things that you think they'd just yell at the people and then send them on their way.

it's too much of a gamble to do without being really sure you wont get caught.

**LilahX** · 01-17-2010 09:39 PM

Yes, it's reasonable to say no to anything you're very uncomfortable with. If you don't find it exciting and the stress wouldn't let you relax and enjoy then just tell him that it's not something you're ok with and find another adventure for you both to enjoy.

On the other hand you could take the time to find a places (or places) which might have less risk of being caught - like staying in your car somewhere.

Personally we get a great kick out of public sex, my personal favourite being when we've had dinner in Chinatown we wander thru the alleyways behind the restaurants to find a wide and secluded back doorway. I'm picking him up from the airport tonight actually and one of our favourite things is to go to the 'baby change room'. Ok, it's not 'public' per se, but it's still a place we're not supposed to do it. Oh, another really hot night was giving him a bj in the back of a cab.

As others have said, it would pay to check out the local laws if you're really worried. Over here (Australia) I don't think it's policed much (if at all), only if someone complains - which is why people tend to find somewhere very secluded.

Don't rush into saying no but have a talk about possibilities where you would feel the safest. I believe there should be compromise with relation to sexual adventures, but you have to find where you draw the line.