Thread: too hot to handle- high sex drive

i am 28 years old and have a really high sex drive. My husband is 9 years older than me and he just cant be bothered with me. At the moment we are only having sex about once a month and it is over and done with just like that. I am going nuts and feel that my partner just goes through the motions to keep me happy. Which he isnt! I have tried talking about this many times over the past 10 years but it gets me nowhere.
He says he loves me and desires me. But there are a few times where we have gone 1 year without sex.
I love my partner, but he makes me feel undesirable. And i dont think i can live like this.
Im a highly sexed person, and i have tried masturbation, porn and toys. But it just isnt the same as sex with a willing male.
I am only just coming into my sexual peak and already im too hot to handle.
My husband has never put in much effort, and does not care to. He would prefer to masturbate to porn by himself than to be bothered with me.
Any suggestions? im so frustrated i could almost have an affair

How is he in general when it comes to intimacy and displays of affection? Does he like to hug and kiss, pay attention to you and compliment you, or does he seem withdrawn and disconnected?

Sadly, this is FAR more common than you might think.

Sounds like you've exhausted all means.

I once read across a similar tone in a thread and remember it was suggested that maybe it's time to tell DH to try an open relationship.

If he knows of your needs but is unwilling to even try to accommodate then maybe you should try an open relationship. I would definitely suggest talking to him about it first...at least tell him, if not (preferably) ask him. It may even spark him into action.
But the fact that you say he masturbates to porn is a worry coz he still has some sex drive.
I was in a similar situation with my first wife. Having sex once a month and she wasn't actively involved. Sorry to tell you but it did end up in an affair and the big D.
But know I have moved on and found my meant-to-be!

Withdrawn and disconnected. I left my husband a year ago because i was not happy. He managed to convince me to come home and get married and promised that things would change. But it has only got worse.

Was he ever married before? Or simply had a relationship before in general that left him very hurt?

It is sadly very common for people in relationships to have very different levels of interest in sex (just look at the zillions of old postings on this). Sometimes people change, but sometimes they never do.

This can lead to terrible stress in a relationship. The partner who wants sex will feel constantly rejected, unloved, and unattractive. The partner who doesn't want sex will feel pressured to do something they don't want. The partner who doesn't want sex may start using it as a reward - ultimately making it feel like some sort of sordid business arrangement.

It sounds like he isn't interested in changing and so he probably won't. You basically have 3 choices:

1. Live with him faithfully and basically do without sex for the rest of your life.

2. Live with him and cheat. He will probably eventually find out, but until then you will be with the man you (presumably) love, and still have sex.

3. Leave and find someone else. He will probably not understand, since sex isn't important to him, but eventually you will each find someone else. Better to do it now than 20 years from now.

I've chosen #1 in my life - but probably for the wrong reasons, and I don't think I'd recommend it to anyone else. #2 will ultimately leave you feeling unhappy and guilty - and this really isn't your fault (so far). So, in my book you have a right to an affair, but again I wouldn't recommend it. Overall #3 may be the best bet - there will be pain, but eventually you will find someone who meets your needs, and he will find someone compatible with his (like my wife ).

good luck .

If he's into porn and not you, he has a problem that he needs to deal with. That will destroy your marriage, as you are experiencing. I hope he can work out his intimacy problems and get back together with you sexually.