Thread: Disappointed: masturbation feels better than sex

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

He has to have his nipple constantly stimulated in order to orgasm, he worries about losing his erection in positions you want to try, you have sex in an uncomfortable fashion to accomadate his needs, you give him foreplay he gives you none, when you inniciate... he shuts you down and you feel bad... waiting for him to inniciate can take weeks...you have had the problem in the past (don't know if you still do) with his porn usage...

I read all that... and I see a man that is very sexually selfish... its all about what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants. No thought or consideration is given to you about what feels good for you.

How can he possibly expect you to be sexually satisfied like that? He can't. So either he's too self-centered to realize he's not the only human in your marriage that has sexual desires... or he just doesn't care. One of the two... but he has to know that he is not doing the bare minimum to make you happy in bed.

Now the time thing, I don't think is as signficant. EXPLOSIVE.. dynamic and awesome intercourse can be had in less than 5 minutes... when there is passion and heat and plenty of foreplay involved. If he's just poking it in you while you exhaustively stimulate a nipple that 20 minutes you say is too short would feel like hours to me.

If he thinks he had good sex with his ex 10 years ago maybe its because she didn't like sex and so was fine with whatever bone he through, or perhaps she faked that she didn't need or want foreplay, and thoroughly enjoyed doing things his way or no way and same way always.

I do NOT think you can come out and just tell him you'd rather masturbate, thing is ... with what you have described here... it shouldn't come as a shock to him, but still it won't help bring you closer which is what you really want afterall.

Communication is going to have to happen though... tapping into his fantasies while gosh it seems like you shouldn't have to do a thing more for him before he starts doing them for you... however... you want the ball rolling, I know so , perhaps getting him to communicate some fantasies might allow you to spark some more interest from him... and when you do start sharing some of your own desires and see how he feels about that.

Have you ever guided his hand toward you and told him you want to feel him touch you etc? Do you let it be known in physical ways as well as verbal what he can do bring the heat? I am in no way holding you to be the one that should have to give him a map... he really should have figured you out so long ago...

Was the sex ever good between you guys? Has it always been this way?

Thank you for this long reply, I appreciate your words

He's stopped with porn, but since this year started I just don't care whether he watches or not to be honest, I don't search his computer anymore because porn should be the last thing to bother me, it's how he is with me that does. Of course if I'd look and find any I'd start a fight (because of how sex is) so I just choose to trust him and focus on the serious issue. I think I've changed a lot mentally, in a good way.

He knows I'm not satisfied, I can see that in irrelative discussions or jokes and insecurities he has. My worry is that he doesn't improve a lot while he knows this. He keeps asking without giving and if I don't give him anything spontaneously, without him asking, he says "you haven't done that in a while" (i.e. a few days - when I don't remember him ever doing the same thing to me without me having to ask days beforehand).

He could be self-centered, as he's told me many times that he's the one needing stimulation before sex as he's the one who has to perform. To this I've always said that it should not be about performance, it shouldn't be something planned 'that has to work', but something enjoyable for both. He always agrees and always brings the same excuse up the next time.

Once I mentioned the nipple issue and he said "it seems to be the way it works now", but I know he doesn't need it to orgasm, his hand always works for him.

You are correct about the time span, it just feels it takes longer than it is and actually 20 mins can be good enough time. It's just been 10 min foreplay for him and 10 min sex for so long that I add them together since it's always predictable.

And it's true about his 10-year ago ex. He was her first and since him she's had a few boyfriends. It's just that it's a bit annoying to know that they had sex many times a day at different places or that once he gave her such a huge orgasm she couldn't talk, or that he loved it when she was on top (which he doesn't with me). I mean, how can there be such a huge change in a person? He's not even 40 yet, he can't use age as an excuse. And why tell me that for, I don't need to know any details. In response I told him about something I did with my ex and he brings it up often because he hasn't tried it with me. He minds what I've done but thought it was ok for me to know what he's done...

Last week he told me "it's ok to masturbate, just think of me", right after the discussion we had about how often he thinks about sex. He expects me to be patient, not force things and that he will 'get there' slowly. I don't see why it takes SO much effort to give pleasure to the one you're in love with, it's supposed to come naturally.

A few days after that talk he talked to me about some fantasies he had and wanted to try, I said of course he can, it's great to know that he even has any. Yet, none of them actually include me in receiving any pleasure. All of them were about him 'being in control' and me just being there, doing something or sleeping. In a way it's good that he opens up, in another I'm disappointed because I was hoping his fantasies included me more or were more interactive.

I showed him what feels good for me a few times during the first year, those were the best for me. Yet all those times he complained about cramps in the finger or his hand getting tired or this angle not being convenient. I honestly don't remember the last time he used his hand on me, even if I've told him many times "you are tired, we don't have to have sex, but you can use your hand". The answer is always "of course, I can do that tomorrow" and of course he doesn't because of another excuse.

Like now, I'm still waiting for a backrub he promised last Saturday, which we agreed to (I made the coffee - he'd give me a half hour backrub). Since Saturday I hear "I haven't forgotten, I will do it tomorrow". Other times he's like "holding and kissing can be nice too, it doesn't always have to lead to sex", even if I don't pressure him about it anymore.

But I'll start showing him, again, what to do. Maybe I can tell him too, even though he doesn't seem to be interested in knowing, if he was he would have asked. It all seems to be about 'him'.

But I'll try...