Disappointed: masturbation feels better than sex

**stressed** · 02-03-2010 04:34 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

My ex played this card. His ex, wife cheated on him, but as I learnt, he turned her insecure, from size 8 to 16... She left for someone whom appreciated her, all women from then were............. fill in the blanks..

It's controlling though stressed, to ask for his works... when he's listening to you "asking" for your needs is it not?

He can't handle your sexuality... He doesn't believe in giving, sexually, he's bruised, hurt, and apart from not doing it or back rups, because he may fear he will do it wrong, he has a problem with women... Therefore, he'd probably prefer one that gave, didn't ask, and therefore showed love.

See where I'm coming from? He may need to feel total love, instead of sex, he may need to feel that everything about your touch IS NOT sex, it's with love, change his thought pattern.

That's about all I can offer you.

It didn't work for me, but it may work for you.

CW

This made me think now... if he was into sex with the ex and gave a lot, only to be cheated on then this might have changed him into someone who finds that sex isn't what keeps a couple together and that love and cuddling are more to value. This way he's safe it won't happen again. By me giving without asking and not insisting on sex I make him feel loved and secure that I won't do the same as her.

He does say a lot that he feels 'secure' when I just hold him or I'm around him and it can be equally nicer, if not more nice, than sex... He does need to feel that I'm not always after sex when I touch him, up to the point where now I never touch him with thoughts of it leading to sex (since he'll turn it down anyway).

This can more serious than I thought. I'll ponder about it, thank you.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-03-2010 04:44 AM

sex isn't what keeps a couple together and that love and cuddling are more to value....etc........

Reading what you wrote? I'd say yes, before your reply of "questioning if this may, be, the case".

Think... You go out with someone, your smitten, and all they do is ............day after day, sure, laughter in-between but more, chemistry... How would you feel? Used? Questioning?

Time to maybe show "love" intimacy" not "needs, sex", if that's how you percieve it

**stressed** · 02-03-2010 04:53 AM

Well, sure, I can understand that. But it's been 'cuddling' and 'love intimacy' since the beginning. It's been 4 years if I include the dating stage. We've been living together for nearly 2 years and we agreed right from the start that we'll take it easy and not be so much into sex, so that he gets the time to adjust, that I'll wait for him and so on. The first 6 months I felt like I was living with my friend or my brother, there was nothing sexual at all, he'd rather watch porn instead.

But if I continue like this I risk him being convenient in a relationship where I don't ask for sex, where he can believe that I'm satisfied the way things are and that I can wait forever while in the meantime I'm sexually frustrated and don't really feel as if I've been living with a man I love for 2 years but with my best buddy.
You see the problem.

**tabris** · 02-03-2010 12:27 PM

Oh my god.
Sorry girl, I can be of no help because I am going through the same thing!
"I'm too tired, work is stressing me out" or
"I don't want to do it now because I'm tired and it wont be any good, let's do it when I have energy"

And he'll say we'll do it tomorrow or Saturday or whatever and when that time comes, there is no mention of it. And when I ask for sex I get the same response as asking to take out the garbage "Awwww right noooow?"

Oh and forget foreplay. Forget kissing or touching in any fashion. Forget trying to be playful or romantic or you get the "what's wrong with you" look.

I get so angry now watching sitcoms where the husband is always after sex or joking about how little he gets.

I feel so disgusting and unwanted. It's a painful thing. I'm starting to think that women need sex more than men do!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-03-2010 12:33 PM

Stressed, that's too long a time to "try" and "try", let alone your first 6 months.

If, he's wounded, you've been around long enough to change his thought pattern and for him to realise, "it's ok" to give.

As I said, it may work for you but it didn't work for me.

I read in another thread you talking about age, trust me as well, 46..remember, age is not a problem, in fact we go back to when we were 20

shhh.

You either have a sex drive or you don't. Yes you can turn it off, but if you have one and your with someone and you've turned it off, it's too hard to resist, if the other person is sexual and it's not "just sex"..

Maybe your cup has runith dry and it's time to consider your life?

CW

**rcoreyus** · 02-03-2010 04:06 PM

Or the equally bad - "OK, but I need to take the garbage out first, finish reading the paper, and check on my hobby discussion forum". Great - sex is something to do when there is nothing important or fun to do - sort of a last resort if there isn't any other option.

Originally Posted by tabris

Oh my god.

And when I ask for sex I get the same response as asking to take out the garbage "Awwww right noooow?"

**stressed** · 02-03-2010 09:50 PM

*Update*

See what happens when you give them "their time to take it easy": they start an argument.

After a 4th straight night of me doing what he wants me to do without receiving he saw on me that something was wrong and said he had a feeling I wasn't totally satisfied. We talked a little more, then he got conveniently quiet and then I said with a smile, not wanting to upset him, "well it would be nice if I'd get something too once in a while". The discussion was the following:
"You know how it is, work is so hard"
"I know, but it doesn't take much energy to rub someone for five minutes"
"Here, I'm rubbing now" (barely stroking my knee, in the way you do to a child after he's fallen and hurt).
"You know what I mean, doing *this* for five minutes doesn't take much out of you" (showed him on the other side of his palm what he had to do). What you did for 10 minutes a while ago required a lot more energy (he masturbated). -here he started to get annoyed-
"It's not the same"
"But it's easier, I just showed you the difference in movement".
"What I did was because you got me to a certain point when..."
"So I have to get you to a 'certain point' to get something".
"Maybe!"
"Nice"
"You'll understand how it is when you have a job. You don't understand" (I don't have a job yet, I study).
"No, You don't understand how it is" -short pause-.
"Turn off the light now and let me sleep".

...

**stressed** · 02-03-2010 09:58 PM

He actually got annoyed to the words "you just don't want to", right after showing him what he should do.

(I like the 'Edit' option, but it should last longer than 5 minutes

)

**manspoint** · 02-03-2010 11:17 PM

Originally Posted by tabris

I'm starting to think that women need sex more than men do!

Being a man and spending many a night in the "shed" or fighting fires or what ever it is that men do to "bond" I can tell you that you are SO right. (self excluded).

All their carry on about not getting enough is a smoke screen that I cannot fathom.

I don't brag about my sex life but...I have sexy pictures of my wife (not nude) on my laptop screen saver and phone. Being in IT they think I download porn all day. I say, "of course, my wife and watch them all the time".
The guys at work think I am some kind of depraved maniac.

**stressed** · 02-03-2010 11:22 PM

Originally Posted by tabris

Oh my god.
Sorry girl, I can be of no help because I am going through the same thing!
"I'm too tired, work is stressing me out" or
"I don't want to do it now because I'm tired and it wont be any good, let's do it when I have energy"

And he'll say we'll do it tomorrow or Saturday or whatever and when that time comes, there is no mention of it. And when I ask for sex I get the same response as asking to take out the garbage "Awwww right noooow?"

Oh and forget foreplay. Forget kissing or touching in any fashion. Forget trying to be playful or romantic or you get the "what's wrong with you" look.

I get so angry now watching sitcoms where the husband is always after sex or joking about how little he gets.

I feel so disgusting and unwanted. It's a painful thing. I'm starting to think that women need sex more than men do!

It's just awful, isn't it? I've also noticed that when we watch films together, once I mentioned in a jokingly way that look, that's what couples do, but to that he said "that only happens in movies"...

Some men are totally helpless. What a huge myth it is that men think of sex all the time, I wonder who came up with that one.

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