Disappointed: masturbation feels better than sex

**stressed** · 02-01-2010 10:25 PM

I just need to vent for a while. I know the solution is "discuss it with your partner and make him understand your problem" but I just have to tell someone because I can't tell him this in these exact words, he'd never want sex again.

The problem is that sex has been a 20-min quick session with no foreplay for me (only for him) and even when I ask for it he doesn't seem interested in stimulating me enough before sex, so most times I'm not even physically 'ready' for it. Now I have a cut after one of those sessions (two weeks after the last one) and I'm not happy about it. Masturbating makes my legs shake and I don't even do anything special, nothing he can't do -if not better than me- but he's just not interested. It's always the same position as well, it doesn't feel good anymore. It hasn't for a while but now that I've found it feels better without him I don't know what to tell him.

He says he believes he's making progress, that he knows he's currently not great at it, but I don't see that progress. I've given him 2 years of this being as it is, how long am I supposed to wait...

I'm going to tell him about the cut and the lack of foreplay, see if he picks up on that. I'm just a little bit annoyed at the moment.

**Mes T** · 02-01-2010 10:41 PM

I hear ya, that's totally unfair to you. The extent of his disinterest in your needs worries me, does it extend beyond the bedroom at all?

**WildChild** · 02-01-2010 10:42 PM

Expecting him to "pick up on it" is probably about as effective as expecting him to read your mind. Most men just aren't that good at picking up on any cues you give. You have to sort of wack them over the head with it before they "get" it.

**Mes T** · 02-01-2010 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Expecting him to "pick up on it" is probably about as effective as expecting him to read your mind. Most men just aren't that good at picking up on any cues you give. You have to sort of wack them over the head with it before they "get" it.

You know what that's certainly been true with my guy.

**stressed** · 02-01-2010 10:58 PM

We only have this bedroom problem at the moment. He helps around a little everyday, he's affectionate, he loves hugs and kisses (not the lingering kind though, more like a kiss you'd give your mum, but anyway at least he's cute) we sit down and discuss our worries calmly, we listen to each other and have made it through difficult times, but this problem is still there.

It was only last week I asked him how often he thinks about sex (with me, not just in general), he said he does think about it often but he's usually too tired to act. I mentioned weekends, when he's less tired, to that he said "sure, why not", which does not really count as an answer, so I left it at that. It's when he also said he felt he's improving (it could take a month to have sex in the beginning, now it's become more 'regular' because he can see it affects me. It just feels like he only asks when he sees I'm disappointed for not getting it and when I do get it it's just something to be done with. Now all this has got to my head and I feel he only starts it when I'm down and he can guess why. It's not spontaneous and I don't dare start it because he's turned me down too many times.

It's true that men 'don't get it' by hints. But he already knows I'm tired of the same position, I've told him that directly, and that it doesn't occur as much as I'd like to. He knows that... so if I bring it up again he'll take it as nagging and not encouraging him when he believes he's making progress. Especially if I bring it up right after a 'session', then I'm afraid it will make things worse.

It's just so difficult to tell your man you don't enjoy sex with him. It slipped once during an argument months ago, when he said "you say this and that about me but you don't complain when we have sex" and to that I said "and you call that sex?". After that he didn't want sex for 2 weeks, felt awful and wondered why am I with him if he's so bad at it. So telling him it's not good is not an option. I did explain that what I meant was that it was all about him and not me, which he realized for a while but then he changed back to his usual self.

**rcoreyus** · 02-01-2010 11:11 PM

Stresed, I think I understand how you feel. Things are so far from right. You want more sex AND you want better sex - you are worried that pressuring him for better sex will make him give you less.

You should have both - you should have a lover that is passionate and skilled, or what is more important: cares about your enjoyment and is eager to learn.

Unfortunately I think the problems are tied together. People who have little interest in sex, also don't find it interesting. They don't want much sex because to them it is a somewhat boring repetitive bump-and-grind.

**Moon** · 02-01-2010 11:18 PM

I have the opposite problem. i just cant pleasure myself no matter what. if i'm horny, and my man isn't with me, i have to take a cold shower cuz i know i cant do anything about it.

As for foreplay, All i can say is keep hinting (aka flat out telling him) to do it more. I know what that is like, I was too "shy" (i guess would be the word for it) to ask my man to do more or tell him what i liked the best, and after a wile it turned to me getting him up, giving him a bit of foreplay and bam, he was ready to go in me and i wasnt wet enough yet cuz he didnt do much for me. Finally i just started ignoring my shyness and started to talk to him about it. and he still forgets sometimes, but i remind him. Just remind him that it needs to be enjoyable for both of you, not just him.

as for positions, try to insist on trying new things. My man really will try anything i suggest, but he always wants me to decide. "How do you want it tonight? I say I dont know because after so long of choosing i just want him to decide. and that seems to be my problem with things, he wants to make sure i enjoy it, he wont choose things. (says he dont wanna hurt me though he knows what i dont like... lol)

**stressed** · 02-01-2010 11:24 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Stresed, I think I understand how you feel. Things are so far from right. You want more sex AND you want better sex - you are worried that pressuring him for better sex will make him give you less.

You should have both - you should have a lover that is passionate and skilled, or what is more important: cares about your enjoyment and is eager to learn.

Unfortunately I think the problems are tied together. People who have little interest in sex, also don't find it interesting. They don't want much sex because to them it is a somewhat boring repetitive bump-and-grind.

Add to this that he's told me stories about how much and good sex he had with his ex over 10 years ago. This used to make me wonder if it's me with the problem, especially the first year this situation got me down, I thought it was my fault. Now I've reached the conclusion that it's not me, it's him, and he's admitted that many times. I've got all kinds of excuses, from performance worries, to weight worries, possible health issues, smoking, work, a 'mental barrier' that prevents him from initiating sex, now it's back to work making him tired again... If I knew what it was at least I'd work on that. I'm trying to help him with his diet now, not that he's that overweight, but just to cover that side and he will only feel better for himself eventually.

What I don't understand with people who don't find sex interesting when they have a willing partner is why don't they try new things, why do they have to give up on it when they know it's serious? But then again, they don't believe it's serious, many of them think sex is overrated, that companionship and love are more important. I just don't see how a relationship can be healthy without good love making. I can tell it affects me a lot even if I don't have any other problems and feel good about myself. I physically feel I need this kind of connection and when I think about it, knowing that even if I start anything I will only be turned down, it affects my mood. If only sex was something like food, that we could buy at a store, and not have to bother our unwilling partners with (theoretically it is possible to do that, but most of us here are not like that). Those with no interest in sex should not commit to parters with high sex drive, it's not a fair trap. If I'd known that from the start I wouldn't have continued, but he led me into thinking that he was into sex as much as I was.

**stressed** · 02-01-2010 11:35 PM

Originally Posted by Moon

I have the opposite problem. i just cant pleasure myself no matter what. if i'm horny, and my man isn't with me, i have to take a cold shower cuz i know i cant do anything about it.

As for foreplay, All i can say is keep hinting (aka flat out telling him) to do it more. I know what that is like, I was too "shy" (i guess would be the word for it) to ask my man to do more or tell him what i liked the best, and after a wile it turned to me getting him up, giving him a bit of foreplay and bam, he was ready to go in me and i wasnt wet enough yet cuz he didnt do much for me. Finally i just started ignoring my shyness and started to talk to him about it. and he still forgets sometimes, but i remind him. Just remind him that it needs to be enjoyable for both of you, not just him.

as for positions, try to insist on trying new things. My man really will try anything i suggest, but he always wants me to decide. "How do you want it tonight? I say I dont know because after so long of choosing i just want him to decide. and that seems to be my problem with things, he wants to make sure i enjoy it, he wont choose things. (says he dont wanna hurt me though he knows what i dont like... lol)

There are a few things you could try, I know I don't enjoy toys as much even if they are extremely popular. But it's not bad at all to enjoy it more with your man, on the contrary

But you are right, I have to tell him every time and show him what to do (he can't say no since I never say no); maybe he will eventually start doing it without me having to tell him. It's exactly like that, when I start foreplay on him he just wants to go for it without giving any back. I just wish he'd do this without me having to tell him, as it's one thing to always ask your man to pleasure you and another to see him wanting to do it by himself, then it feels like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to and that's not how it should be. If he doesn't want to then I don't want it either, but I will try to tell him the next few times, maybe he doesn't fully understand that women need stimulation as much as men do (which I find odd he doesn't understand by himself, but I'll give it a try).

Hmmm about positions, I don't know how to insist anymore. I remind him every 2 weeks or so, I say 'why don't we try here or there, this or that', but the usual responses are "it's not convenient, what if I lose my erection, the bed is too short, the chair is too high, I don't want to make a mess"... We've tried 2 different ones last year, 2 out of 3 times it doesn't work for him, as if he's used to that specific one which is uncomfortable for me (I have to constantly stimulate his nipple and I can't enjoy it for myself this way, I'm more worried about him being happy with himself than me having a good time).

But I will try! Thank you

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-02-2010 02:37 AM

He has to have his nipple constantly stimulated in order to orgasm, he worries about losing his erection in positions you want to try, you have sex in an uncomfortable fashion to accomadate his needs, you give him foreplay he gives you none, when you inniciate... he shuts you down and you feel bad... waiting for him to inniciate can take weeks...you have had the problem in the past (don't know if you still do) with his porn usage...

I read all that... and I see a man that is very sexually selfish... its all about what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants. No thought or consideration is given to you about what feels good for you.

How can he possibly expect you to be sexually satisfied like that? He can't. So either he's too self-centered to realize he's not the only human in your marriage that has sexual desires... or he just doesn't care. One of the two... but he has to know that he is not doing the bare minimum to make you happy in bed.

Now the time thing, I don't think is as signficant. EXPLOSIVE.. dynamic and awesome intercourse can be had in less than 5 minutes... when there is passion and heat and plenty of foreplay involved. If he's just poking it in you while you exhaustively stimulate a nipple that 20 minutes you say is too short would feel like hours to me.

If he thinks he had good sex with his ex 10 years ago maybe its because she didn't like sex and so was fine with whatever bone he through, or perhaps she faked that she didn't need or want foreplay, and thoroughly enjoyed doing things his way or no way and same way always.

I do NOT think you can come out and just tell him you'd rather masturbate, thing is ... with what you have described here... it shouldn't come as a shock to him, but still it won't help bring you closer which is what you really want afterall.

Communication is going to have to happen though... tapping into his fantasies while gosh it seems like you shouldn't have to do a thing more for him before he starts doing them for you... however... you want the ball rolling, I know so , perhaps getting him to communicate some fantasies might allow you to spark some more interest from him... and when you do start sharing some of your own desires and see how he feels about that.

Have you ever guided his hand toward you and told him you want to feel him touch you etc? Do you let it be known in physical ways as well as verbal what he can do bring the heat? I am in no way holding you to be the one that should have to give him a map... he really should have figured you out so long ago...

Was the sex ever good between you guys? Has it always been this way?

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